'AITA for not helping my brother with his daughters when his wife left him?' UPDATED

"AITA for not helping my brother with his daughters when his wife left him?"

I (F30) am single and childfree by choice. I occasionally date but have not pursued any long-term relationships. There are various reasons for this, such as my love for personal freedom, my desire to enjoy life without the responsibilities of parenthood, and my dedication to focusing on my career.

My older brother (M34) got married when he was 26 and has two children (F7, F4). They had a traditional household where he worked while his wife stayed at home to take care of the family, as that was their mutual preference.

However, over the past couple of years, his wife began showing signs of dissatisfaction with this arrangement. She wanted to pursue further education and work outside the home, seeking to build something of her own.

My brother, unfortunately, did not support her in these aspirations. I warned him about the consequences of his stance once, but he told me that it was none of my business how he managed his household, so I refrained from commenting further.

About a month ago, my brother's wife left him, leaving behind a letter expressing her inability to continue with the way things were and her desire to explore life on her own. She left their children with my brother and essentially disappeared. No one knows her whereabouts, and it seems her family is also unaware.

The issue now is that my brother lacks even the most basic parenting skills. He is the type of person who has never changed a diaper or toasted a slice of bread. When his wife left, he immediately called our mother for help, and she hurried to his aid. Initially, she believed it would be a short-term situation, expecting my sister-in-law to return. However, she hasn't.

My father is unwell and requires my mother's assistance back home, as they live hours away. My brother suggested that she take the children with her, but my father declined. He is retired and elderly and does not want to have children in the house full time, as it would consume her time and energy.

Given that, my brother asked me to either move in with them to help out or take the children in with me. I declined.

From my perspective, my brother is a grown adult, and these children are his responsibility. I made a conscious choice to live my life in a particular way, and I do not want to sacrifice my own choices for his.

My family is pressuring me, arguing that my brother does not know how to take care of the children, that the girls need a female presence in their lives, and emphasizing the importance of family helping family. My brother has called me cold-hearted for not making an effort to assist him. AITA?

Here are some of the top comments:

empathy10 says:

Necessity is the mother of invention as the saying goes. He will have to learn quickly as us his duty and responsibility as a father. How did he get to be so chauvinistic in this era?

Witty_Commentator says:

NTA (Not the A%#hole). It's kind of a shame that his wife couldn't sit him down and make him realize, "This changes, or I'm leaving." But that's not your fault. You even warned him, and he refused to listen.

I feel sorry for the girls that their father is trying to foist them off on anyone who's willing to take them. (Or even someone unwilling!) But that's not your fault, either.

I don't think you should have to sacrifice your life to be his nanny. He can take some parenting classes. (If he makes enough money to afford one parent to be a stay-at-home parent, maybe he can hire a part-time nanny.) Don't let your family guilt you into this; none of this is your responsibility!

blueberryyogurtcup says:

NTA. He's not asking you to 'help.' He's asking you to give him your entire life to take over his responsibilities for him.

Helping would be coming over for a couple of hours and teaching him how to do laundry and basic cooking, showing him where to look online to learn more about basic cleaning chores, or where to research about hiring help.

He doesn't want just help. He wants a housekeeper, babysitter, cook and maid to replace the one that left him because of his disrespect for her. And he wants a family member so he won't have to pay.

Later OP came back with these updates:

Is she okay: In the post I had given no one knew where she is based on info I was given by my mother. She told me they had communicated with SILs parents as well.

Hearing that she had taken all her documents and per her note, I trusted she had gone somewhere where she can study and make something of herself.

But a lot of comments had me questioning about it all. Many of you wanted me to file report as missing person. What I realised is, me and my parents not filing it made sense. We know and trust my brother. But why didn't my SIL's parents file a report? They should have been more suspicious, right?

So I called SIL's mom. She didn't sound worried or sad, so I was more suspicious. I asked if she knew where SIL is. She said they don't know, SIL did not say anything to them etc. I told her I would be filing report today then, so we know she is safe.

Her mom panicked at that and told me not to. That SIL will come home when she is ready. I told her I have to file report unless I know she is safe. She kept insisting I don't have to. It was very suspicious.

5 mins after my call, I got a call from an unknown number. It was SIL. She was panicking and more or less begged me not to file a report. Turns out she was in another state, crashing with distant family. She really did want to go to college and my brother was not letting her.

She had a huge fight with him about all that the week before she left. She was really depressed and feeling stuck. Her parents loaned her some cash through a church friend who also helped her go away.

She begged me not to file report saying he will sue her for child support and she can barely support herself and go to college.

I told her abandoning her kids was wrong. She was crying when she said she know and hope they can forgive her. She really couldn't live this life anymore. Leaving them was the hardest decision she ever made but she felt it was better than taking them and letting them starve with her. At least here they have home and family.

I did ask why she couldn't just divorce my brother then. She said she did not have money for lawyer or anything. No home to return to. She is not proud of it but she just couldn't stay and fight.

She did not tell me where exactly she is. Did not want to risk it. Asked me not to give her number to my family. I did tell her situation with her kids. She just said my brother will figure it out. She cannot help in any way right now. She will come back to her babies when she can.