Woman refuses to let her son's pregnant ex-partner and her kids stay in her mansion. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to let my son’s pregnant homeless baby mama and her kids stay in my mansion?"
Ever since my husband died, I have been a very lonely woman. I (55F) have one son (27M) and two grandchildren (10M, 2F), with a third and fourth due in 6 months. His first child is from his ex-girlfriend (25F), while his second child and soon-to-be twins are from his current wife (27F).
My son is a very bright but naive boy; he was head over heels in love with his ex, and when he got accepted into his dream university, she dropped out of school to follow him and start their "perfect" family. Their relationship didn't survive the following year.
Despite all the stress and workload of college, my son still paid child support and visited his child. They both moved on to different relationships; my son married a beautiful, kind girl he met in college; his ex started dating another man and had three more kids (7F, 4F, 2M) with him.
Earlier this month, his ex came to him in need of somewhere to live. To put it briefly, her new partner was an awful person. She was 7 months pregnant, had 4 kids, no money, job, or education. His ex has a mental illness that has caused her a hard time keeping a job, and they had been living at a homeless shelter for the past week.
My son and daughter-in-law were kind enough to let them temporarily stay at their home rent free until she found somewhere else. My daughter-in-law's parents work in real estate and were renting out one of their properties, a 2 bedroom house, to them for a reduced cost. My son and his wife had been having financial troubles ever since their daughter was born premature, and with the twins on the way, I thought they would be in need of a larger home.
In the 1990s, I inherited a spacious house from my grandparents, which has 7 bedrooms, and 3 extra rooms that have been turned into an office, library, and art studio. As an otherwise regular middle class couple, my husband and I were incredibly thankful for their generosity.
It's so large that it can technically be considered a mansion. And I've been living in it all alone after my husband's death. I discussed it with my son and daughter-in-law, and we agreed it would be best if they moved in, after all, this house is way too big for one woman.
However, my son's ex and her kids would not be allowed to join them. My grandson would be allowed to stay if he has no other place to go, but the rest of the family have nothing to do with me. Don't get me wrong, I have empathy for her situation, but at the end of the day, they're not my family, and I worry about potential tensions that could arise - pregnancy is stressful enough and it wouldn't be fair for my daughter-in-law to share her husband with his ex.
I refuse to let my beautiful home become a breeding ground for dysfunction. I talked this over with the parents of my daughter-in-law, and they decided to give the ex one month to find somewhere else to stay while my son prepares to move in. The ex is absolutely livid with me for trying to 'tear apart' her family. I explained to her that it was MY house, MY rules. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
The_Fangirl_Ley said:
NTA. Sure, her situation is awful, but you're not obligated to shelter her and three kids that aren't related to you at all. If your son and his wife want to help, then that's really kind of them, but you can make your own decisions. Your points are valid, it would not be a good idea to have your son, his wife, his ex and so many kids under one roof, especially since she's pregnant. I do hope that this woman finds a place to stay and a partner who loves and supports her, but this is not your problem.
FormerRunnerAgain said:
NTA - though take off the rose colored glasses about your son - he has a lot of room for improvement. "Despite all the stress and workload of college, my son still paid child support and visited his child." You say this like he was going above and beyond yet he wasn't even doing the minimum of PARENTING his child and he was all for his girlfriend dropping out of school - gee, how did that work out for her.
Sounds like he still doesn't parent as he allows his son to live in lousy situation and then homeless shelter. Why doesn't he have at least 50% custody if not more since it sounds like his ex is really struggling. Then to top it off he is having financial troubles, yet decides to expand his family, so he will now have 4 kids (unless you don't count the first one that he just "visits").
Usrname52 said:
NTA. But why would your son "visit and send child support" for his oldest? Why doesn't he have at least joint custody, especially with his son practically homeless or with an awful stepfather, why wasn't he fighting for primary custody?
uwe0x123 said:
Your son has a legal, financial, and moral responsibility to support his 10 year old child. It isn't your responsibility. If your son is meeting his financial obligations but his ex is still unable to provide for their 10 year old child, then your son should file for custody and have him move in with you (since you said you were OK with having all of your grandchildren move in).
NTA but your communication skills could do with some polish. Phrases like "breeding ground for dysfunction" and "MY house, MY rules" are not helpful. Remember that you are talking to your grandson's mother.
Even if she has made poor life choices, that's his mother and while her other children are "nothing to do with" you, they are his siblings. He is your grandson and is growing up poor and homeless through no fault of his own. Your son needs to step up to take are of his child.
[deleted] said:
NTA. I would tell the girl that she can give you your grandchild if she needs, and if she refuses I would then tell your son to get the state involved if she can't take care of your grandchild financial needs if the kid is in danger.
100% this is going to be a nightmare if sh is mentally unstable and in this state financially. I promise you people like this are not seeking a peaceful life, doing the daily grind. It's possible she's the noble victim but I wouldn't put money on it.
crymson7 said:
NTA. This one is difficult because of the grandchild from the EX...offering a place to stay for GS but not her seems like you are being an AH, but you aren't. She has no tied to you or your son except that child and you DID offer GS a place to stay. It sucks for her, but it is what it is.