'AITA for not using my inheritance for my husband’s family?'
"AITA for not using my inheritance for my husband’s family?"
My husband (52) and myself (50) have been married for 31 years. We purchased his parents farm several years ago and paid for it with a mortgage.
We have since paid that mortgage off. We also built our forever home on the farm and it is also paid for and we raise cattle on the farm. His family is always asking for help. His sisters specifically and a couple of his nephews. For context, we took care of his father, mother, and Down’s syndrome sister when nobody else in his family would take care of them.
We were the only ones of his siblings who still had young children at home but we felt that if we didn’t take care of them the state was going to step in and take them away. In my family you take care of your family so we took them in and never looked back.
However I think his family resented us for this and somehow feels like they are owed something because we own the family farm. And for some reason my husband thinks he has to take care of his other sisters even though there is nothing wrong with them except they have low IQs.
I have inherited a decent amount of money from my parents. My husband doesn’t know the specifics and is upset that I won’t disclose the amount. He doesn’t have access to the account.
He wants me to take some of the money and build a house on our farm (his family farm) for his sisters to live in so they won’t have to pay rent anymore or live in apartments. He wants us to pay their property taxes and insurance because “they won’t be able to afford that” but they can pay their utilities. He doesn’t want to charge them rent.
Why should I use my inheritance that my parents worked their butts off to earn and pass on to me so that my husband’s lazy sisters can sit in a brand new house on their family’s farm and never have to pay property tax or insurance or rent? I feel like this is my money and I shouldn’t have to spend it on his family.
I want to put the majority of it in trust funds to our two children so I can pass it on to them. And to be honest, I am seriously thinking about just taking my inheritance and getting a divorce and living happily ever after. So…AITA?
Here's what people had to say about this:
beginagain4me said:
NTA. He should be thinking of his children not his siblings. After 31 years I assume there are very good reasons that you are considering divorce.
Actual-Hamster4692 said:
Divorce him, then take your inheritance and your half of the value of the farm and live your best life. He can get a new mortgage to pay you your share, then move his deadbeat sisters into the house, and be their doormat. NTA.
WaryScientist said:
NTA - ask him to use his inheritance money for his sisters…oh, wait, there won’t be any. It seems like he’s taking after the rest of his family and seeing you as his personal piggy bank. Your inheritance is yours. It was left to you for you and whoever YOU choose to use it on.
Shichimi88 said:
Nta. Stand strong. Put the inheritance in a trust for your own kids. Or spend it traveling. Don’t spend it on leeches.
Amazing-Wave4704 said:
Get the divorce. please be sure to take half the farm. This is unreal. NTA.
mathhews95 said:
NTA. But you should correct yourself. It's not his family's or parent's or extended family's farm. It's your and your husband's farm now. You should make that clear to him and to his family.
I think you answered your own question. You sound tired of giving and doing for HIS family members and being resented for it and now HE is asking you to do it again so you'll NEVER have any privacy on your property or in your own home because they'll always be over at your home freeloading.
OP, your husband wants you to play caregiver the REST OF YOUR LIFE. I don't know how old you were when you took in both of his parents and their Down Syndrome child but at what point do you get to be free to enjoy what's left of YOUR life? You're fifty years old.
OP, I wouldn't normally say this but you've been given a gift from your parents of FREEDOM.
Start planning your exit. Keep your mouth shut and start planning Monday morning. You've been given the key to freedom. If you try to set up a trust for your kids, your husband will find a way to guilt them into the money. Don't do it. YOU take that money. You get yourself a patio home or condo. Invest the rest.
Your comment is absolutely speaking to my heart! We took care of his dad for just two years (he had dementia), his mom we took care of for 9 years (that was hard- multiple health problems). We have had his sister now for 22 years. Both of our own children are grown adults with lives of their own.
I know there is no other alternative for his sister. No one else will care for her like we do. Where we live there are none of those homes that care for people like her. God knows no one else in his family would take care for her. So I am not angry or bitter about caring for her.
It’s his other two sisters and his treatment of me that has made me angry and bitter. I am honestly just done. Getting my inheritance has put the icing on the cake for me. He is still trying to get me to buy things and build them that house.
He doesn’t know I have contacted an attorney and have things already in motion to divorce him. I have been “decluttering” the house and “donating “ items to goodwill (I rented a storage unit in another town) so I am moving out family heirlooms that he thinks are junk. Slow and steady wins the race.