Woman refuses to visit sister and her newborn; 'Not after EVERYTHING she's put me through.' AITA?

When this woman is annoyed with her sister, she asks the internet:

"AITA for refusing to visit my sister and her newborn?"

I (22F) am the youngest of three in my family. My parents got married when they were both 20 and had my sister and brother pretty quickly after.

They’ve always planned on just two kids, but they accidentally became pregnant with me when they were 38, making my sister and brother 16 and 15 years older than me respectively. My parents and family have constantly reminded me throughout my childhood up until now that I was the mistake in sly ways.

My mom on few occasions had told me she wished she never had me because I ruined her body. Growing up, I was often compared to my sister and always reminded of how I paled in comparison to her. Relatives would often berate me about my appearance, especially acne which I have no control over.

My aunt once told me it is a shame that I was born dark and how my parents were blessed to have one daughter with lighter skin. My own mother would say how much of a disappointment I am for not being as educationally gifted as my sister even though we both got A’s in high school and college.

She has even told me that my degree wasn’t as useful as my sister’s even though our careers are in the same field. My father would avoid looking or speaking with me, but would constantly communicate with my other two siblings. He would only speak with me if he had an issue with what I was doing.

Because of this, over the years, I have developed dislike towards her. I hate being near her, and I loathe seeing her. I would often evade her if she entered a room. Also, because of our age difference, we have never really talked properly or interacted a whole bunch. I’ve never heard her say anything bad about me, but I just can’t help it. I dislike her.

When I left for college, I really started enjoying life again and became more social. In general, I felt happier and freer and felt like I didn’t have to act so grumpy and depressed all the time like when I was at home.

However, after I’ve graduated, I have come back home for the summer and have regressed back into that mentality. It also didn’t help that my sister was pregnant with her first child after suffering from infertility issues, and everyone around me constantly talked about how she looks radiant and beautiful.

Earlier last week, she gave birth to a baby girl, and everyone has been visiting her at the hospital. I was able to weasel my way out of going when she was in labor, but now, everyone is pushing me to go, calling me rude and selfish if I don’t.

I just don’t want to go because I don’t know what I’ll say if I hear one more person make a comparison or compliment her. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

ahan writes:

YTA. Your sister isn't responsible for your parents' behaviour. You admit she's never done anything to you or said anything mean to or about you, you just resent her because of the way your parents have treated you.

barbieseacow writes:

NTA, but with conditions. Your parents are the real villains for pitting you against your siblings and being over all emotionally abusive. But you are harboring hate towards someone who is probably also suffering this dynamic.

I can guarantee that if you ever sat down and really talked to your sister, she would tell you that she has suffered immense pressure being "the golden child". You were not really there to see the ways that they parented her, and they're never going to give you an honest picture of it. Chances are they were just as horrible to her as they were to you.

Now that she's had a child, I'll bet they're going to be stuck so far up her butt she will feel like she can't breathe, because that's what overbearing parents do when they have grandchildren.

I would suggest going low or no contact with your parents, getting into therapy to deal with your issues towards your sister, and then seeing where the relationship with her can go from there. It may always be distant, but it doesn't have to have all this resentment and hate either.

zestclose writes:

YTA. Your sister never did a thing to you. I can understand you being angry with your parents. They treated you like crap. But your sister never did anything.

mrfruitfly writes:

NTA but I think you should think about what you want from your family in general going forward.

I get why you feel the way you feel, but your anger should be directed at everyone in your family except your sister. She may have also treated you not so great, but that isn't in your story as much you cover your parents and other relatives.

If you want to keep a polite distance from everyone but still need to be around your family, which is understandable because you need to come home from the summer, need financial support, etc, then go and visit your sister.

You just go, you congratulate her, tell her the baby is adorable, and then get out of the way and ignore what people are saying. You do this because you are getting grief for not going and it just ends that grief.

Then you come back from the visit and really focus on getting out of that home and also ways to not regress more while there.

Your family treated you and treats you like shit. I am so sorry that you grew up in that environment and that you still have to deal with them. You don't deserve that and none of what they say about you is true. Period.

But you are now in charge of your emotional health and future, so you need to find ways- and again it sucks that it is on you to sort out living in a traumatic environment- to get out of there and in the meantime ignore them.

My suggestion would be to be scarce and focus on your job/job search and being out in the world. When you are home, ignore comments, which is hard, but just fully ignore them and remember that most of the world doesn't agree with them. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't let them be the reason you don't live it fully.