Woman shares relationship saga; 'I brought up the possibility of an open relationship, things ended badly.' UPDATED

"I asked my boyfriend his thoughts on an open relationship and he broke up with me. How can I fix this?"

First off, let me start by saying that our age gap is not the issue here. My boyfriend is the best thing to happen to me in my adult life because of his age, not despite it. Over the two years we've been together I've grown so much as a person thanks, in large part, to his gentle love and overwhelming support.

None of my friends in long term relationships have anything like what my boyfriend and I have and they all say they wish they did. Also he's more attractive and in better shape than all their boyfriends.

So if your first reaction to this situation is that some dirty old man is taking advantage of a young naive girl, then you're wrong. And for the record I was the one that asked him out first. I'm sorry if that comes across as defensive, but that seems to be the first reaction to our relationship by anyone who doesn't know us.

We are both nurses. He is an administrative supervisor at my company. He trained me my first 2 weeks on the job and we hit it off because we both love to work out and have a lot of things in common. Nothing happened then but I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

So after about a month I stopped by his office after work and asked him out for coffee. Six months later I moved in with him. That first year was the best time I've ever had in a relationship. We traveled, ate out, went to shows and movies. He taught me so much about life.

He would really engage with me and listen to what I had to say. He also wasn't afraid to ask me those really tough questions that made me look at situations from another perspective. He taught me how to stand up for myself, and conflict resolution. The more time we spent together the more I love him. Then lock down happened.

My boyfriend is not perfect. On major problem is he is a mirco-manager when it comes to work, and a workaholic. As soon as lock down started he started working non-stop. Sometimes he would work 14 to 16 hours a day.

From the end of April to the second week in June he worked 36 days straight. He would come home, kiss me, work out, shower, and go to bed, just to get up the next morning and do it all over again. No one asks him to work like that, he just does. He says, "I have to be an advocate for our patients, and make sure they're safe and taken care of."

I wont lie, I got really lonely during this time. I talked to him about it, and he cut back some. He even started doing silly things like ordering cheesy decorations online then decorating our dining room like a Chinese restaurant and ordering take out from our favorite Chinese place so it would feel like we went out. It was fun and nice but I was still lonely.

Around this time an old friend from high school contacted me through FB. We started talking first on IM then we started texting. He was really there for me, and showed me a lot of attention. After a while he asked if I wanted to meet up for drinks (outdoor bars are open here). I said yes, since my BF wasn't home. I ended up drinking more than I usually do.

Before I knew it, we were kissing. I'm not going to lie, it felt really good. I did allow it to go too far but I stopped it before we had se%. I left and went home. I felt awful, not because I did it but because I did it behind my BF's back.

The next day I asked my BF if we could talk. I started out by telling him how lonely I've felt for these past few months and how I wanted to ask his thoughts on an open relationship. He was actually really receptive.

He sat down with me and asked several questions about our relationship, and how strong did I think it was. He listened as I explained that I loved him but needed attention that he can't provide right now. I wanted him, but I didn't feel like my needs were being met, and this would be an easy and safe way for me to get that attention I've been missing.

He asked what brought this on, and I explained about my friend, and how I wasn't interested in a relationship with him but I would like to go out with him just for some distraction from everything going on. He sat there for several minutes and that's when I saw the hurt in his eyes.

It wasn't til that moment I realized how selfish I had been. It was like someone poured ice water over me. I had not once thought about him in this entire situation. But before I could say a word he said, "you need to leave."

I tried to talk more, but he said he was not in a place emotionally to communicate with me effectively, and that I needed to give him space. I just broke down crying. I had messed it all up, and hadn't even realized it til that moment. He left after that and asked me to leave before he got back.

About two hours later, I got a text from him saying that we need some time apart, and he didn't feel like we needed to be in a relationship right now.

That was two days ago. I'm at my parents house now, and I can't eat, or sleep. I'm a wreck. I know I'm a dumbass and a horrible person, but please if you have any advice on how to fix this, please help. I am literally making myself sick over this, and I have no clue what to even say to him.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

visonn writes:

So you cheated and didn’t tell him? So you brought up the prospect of an open relationship so you can sleep with your friend and have it be okay, but still keeping what happened a secret? Then when he found out you were thinking of an open relationship just so you can bang your friend, he got mad?

Only part that makes sense is him getting mad. You fd up long before that part though.

OP responds:

In that moment with my friend, I swear I didn't see it as cheating. I really did think that what I was doing was right until I saw the look in my BF's eyes and realized I hadn't thought about my BF or his feelings once the entire time I had been talking to my friend. I'm disgusted with myself. Is there any way to approach this with my BF to help him forgive me?

ceekats writes:

This actually is related to the age difference, not for the difference in years but for the difference in maturity level. You had a wonderful relationship with an equally wonderful man. But you were not able to be an adult when things got tough so you cheated because....he didn’t give you enough attention...?!

That’s the stupidest excuse for cheating I’ve ever heard. Basically, as long as things were going your way, you were happy. But as soon as things got a little tough, you cheated. He was working, not out partying with friends, or sitting on a computer playing games all day ignoring you.

Working during this pandemic to provide you stability and a warm, loving home. And instead of acting like an adult in a mature, loving relationship and supporting him, you cheated. And not only that, you state:

I felt awful, not because I did it but because I did it behind my BF’s back.

Your guilt should lie in the fact that you even considered it, then followed through with it. You’re too immature and self centered to even understand the real problem! Yeah, you fd up, majorly.

And you are an immature idiot. He deserves better than you. Learn from this, try to really look at this and figure out why you’re so self centered and to understand exactly what it means to commit yourself to one person, one relationship. But for goodness sake, leave him alone. He’s seen you for what & who you actually are. Move on.

OP responds:

This is actually very helpful. You are right, I need to figure out what allowed me to block any consideration for my BF out of my mind when it came to talking to my friend. I thought that there was nothing wrong with my actions. I didn't even see it as cheating. I have really messed up here.

One thing that I didn't say in the original post, because I didn't know if it was relevant is that actually he is a widower. That's why he is single at 41. He was married for 10 years, then his wife passed away three years ago.

And now, OP's update:

It's been over a week and some people asked for an update so here goes. He called last Tuesday and said he wanted to talk. I was both scared and over the moon because I took the advice so many people here gave me to give him space.

We hadn't talked since the Saturday before and I missed him like mad. He says he wants to meet at my parents house, and I agreed, although I thought that was a little weird.

When he pulled into the driveway, he sent me a text asking me to come outside. I went out to meet him and he was standing in front of his car. I immediately saw that he had someone in the car with him, and I just broke down. I knew what was coming, and I didn't want to face it.

He was so kind. He comforted me, and helped me up on the porch where we both sat on the steps. I can't quote what was said so this is paraphrased.

He loved me, but my actions proved to him that we were in two different places in our lives, and he wasn't going to hold me back anymore. He said he knew I needed to live more, and enjoy life before settling down.

He apologized for holding me back for so long, and thanked me for his "best two years since his wife had died." I wanted to lay down on the ground and die right there. I just sobbed, its all I could do.

My dad finally came out and helped me back into the house. My dad then went back out and talked to my bf. They talked for a while, I don't really remember how long because I was near hysterical at that point. My mom gave me something to help me relax.

When my father came back in he whispered something to my mom, and she helped me upstairs to my room. I laid there for a while til I heard someone pull into the dive way. I looked out and saw that a moving truck had backed in.

He had all my belongings, at our place, packed up and delivered to my parents house. That's when I really lost all control of myself. I was crying so hard I didn't feel like I was in control of my own body anymore. My mom ended up sleeping in my room with me all night.

In the past three days I have been out of bed probably less than 10 times, and that was just to use the bathroom. I'm lost, and worse than that I lost him. But I was finally able to eat today, so I figured I would give you all a look at the end of my world.

So yes Reddit you were right, and he left me. You were right that I'm a horrible person, and I deserved this. But it still hurts really bad.