Woman 'ruins' BIL's wedding day after husband's 'devastating' drunken confession. AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this woman is devastated by her husband's drunken confession and proceeds to 'ruin his brother's wedding day,' she asks Reddit:
"Am I "crazy" for allowing a small mean comment to domino into my husband not wanting to hang out with his family anymore on his brother's wedding day?"
I've never posted on reddit and I feel like the title sounds off but here it it is.
My husband (M36) and I (F34) went to his brother's wedding out of state this weekend. We have been married for 5 years and together for 8 years, but I had never met most of the family we were meeting. I only knew my in laws, my brother in laws, and the my husband's nieces.
For a bit of back story, my in laws have never been a fan of mine. The first time they met me they told my husband that I was "too much" and that he could do much better.
My family and I are open, honest, and very "lovey". I tend to be the kind of person that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and tries my hardest to see every situation from every perspective, but realized quickly that his family liked to find things to judge about people no matter what they do.
They are also conservative in that they are not big on sharing feelings or physical displays of affection and things like that. I have learned to accept the relationship we have even though it is more shallow than what I am use to and can be hard at times.
I accept that I am mocked and talked about negatively very regularly and do my best not to let it get to me, especially since we have 2 small children (F4 and M2) who love them very much.
My husband and I flew to the location the day before so that we could enjoy the town and have a nice day together. We had dinner with the family that night where I was introduced to some of the family and then we went to the wedding the next day. The wedding was simple and sweet and everything went very well.
My husband and I were flirting all day and night, really enjoying our couple days away from the kids and responsibilities, and as the night progressed, we became less sober. I had been sipping wine most of the night aside from 1 cocktail I had at the very beginning.
My husband had been drinking cocktails most of the night, as well as a few beers in between, so he had become much more intoxicated than I was. Near the end of the wedding when things were soon to be shutting down, he ended up taking a couple double shots of vodka with some friends and his brothers. It was after this that things got a little messed up.
I was flirting with my husband as I had been doing all day, and he made a comment about not being in the mood for that. I asked him what he wasn't in the mood for and he responded with "sex. I'm not in the mood to have sex with you right now."
I was a little taken aback and told him that I didn't ask him to have sex right now and he said "good, because I'm not interested." I was a little irritated by it because it felt a bit mean spirited since it hadn't been mentioned. Since I was annoyed, I stopped flirting and wasn't being touchy feely anymore.
When he tried to be cutesy with me a couple minutes later and I didn't really reciprocate much, he asked if I was mad and I told him I was just a little confused by his comment and told him I wasn't sure why he felt it necessary to blurt that out.
He then proceeded to tell me that men lose 30% of their testosterone after having children so they lose a lot of interest in sex, which confused me further. I told him I still don't understand what the point of this is and what he is trying to say, then asked if he was trying to tell me that he's less interested in me sexually since we had children.
He said "yes". I then asked him how interested he thinks he is in me sexually, which he replied "30%".
This upset me, 1. because I never wanted to talk about any of this in the first place, and 2. because it was mean and made me feel bad about myself. I left the table and went outside to a corner to be alone so that I could cry a little bit (I can get very teary when I drink even when I don't want to) then returned to the room and had my last drink before everything wrapped up.
They announced that they were having a bon fire at the house for those who wanted to join and I knew my husband would want to go and hang out with the family so I wanted to table everything so that he could enjoy the rest of the night.
When he saw me he mentioned going to the house and I said yes definitely let's do it, but he noticed that I looked like I had been crying and became angry.
He started asking me what my problem was and I told him the whole thing just felt mean spirited, but that we could deal with that later because I wanted him to have fun with his family tonight.
He began to tell me that this was why he didn't want me there and that he shouldn't have ever brought me because I ruin everything. We went outside and All I wanted to do was deescalate him so he could enjoy the rest of the night, so I told him everything was fine and that we should find a ride.
He repeated multiple times that he was "sorry he didn't want to f me right there in the bathroom of the wedding" for which I assured him was never something I wanted or mentioned and then kept telling me that the night was over because I ruined it.
I started crying and I tried so hard to stop because it agitated him more, but between him yelling and pushing me away as I tried to assure him everything was fine, I couldn't get myself to stop tearing up. He finally threw his hands in the air and said that he was done and stomped off quickly.
I was in heels and couldn't keep up. I looked around and most everybody was gone and I didn't know where my in laws went. I looked at my phone and it had died. I realized he had just left me in a strange place with no phone or way to get back and I freaked out a little bit.
I started walking towards a bar down the street to find a phone, but ended up sitting on a bench crying for a few minutes because I was so upset that he just left me there.
Even if everything was my fault and no mater how angry, you're never suppose to abandon someone in a strange place, especially late at night. I was crying and that's when his cousin saw me from her car and took me to the family's house.
I was so embarrassed because at that point I was crying really hard. I stayed there for a bit while my phone charged and then got a ride back to the airbnb around midnight.
After my husband calmed down and realized how drunk he was, he apologized a lot and felt horrible. He initially didn't even realize what had happened because he didn't remember a lot of it.
He assured me that he loved me and had interest in me and that he has his own insecurities to deal with that are most likely the culprit in those comments. The mean comments aside, I was so shocked by being left there in a strange place. In my world, that's just never acceptable no matter what the circumstances.
His family is now saying that I am totally crazy and psycho and that I caused problems and that they witnessed enough to see what a crazy person I am. To be clear, they didn't hear any of the conversations or know what was going on, they just saw me crying multiple times.
I knew that they would most likely villainize me, and again, I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. It's not like I think that I am not to blame at all. Maybe I should have just not let that initial weird comment get to me so much because I knew how much he had been drinking.
Maybe I should have just ignored it from the beginning so that there was no agitation in the first place, or I shouldn't have taken the bait and asked follow up questions. I was not sober and it's definitely harder to sensor my feelings and thoughts in that state.
What I'm confused about is that his family seems to think that because I was acting "crazy", aka crying, that I deserved to be left there by my husband.
When someone brought up that whether I was acting crazy or not it was not appropriate to leave a spouse stranded in a foreign place without knowing how they would get home, his brother said that the whole thing was my fault so yes it was perfectly alright to leave me there to figure it out on my own.
So, am I crazy in thinking that abandoning your spouse in an unknown place without knowing how they will get home is just never ok, or am I the outlier on this one? Also, am I crazy for feeling a bit jilted by the initial comment that started the issue? Was I being overly sensitive?
Before we give you OP's long update about the wedding, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
llammadrama writes:
It is often said on this thread that drunken comments are sober thoughts. Sounds like your husband and you have a lot to talk about when you're sober. You may want to consider marital counseling. At a minimum don't put yourself at his mercy again, make sure you stay sober and have your own ride.
What he said is 100% BS as well. Most men - REAL men - love their wives even MORE after children because they know we're the mothers of their kids that they love so much. If my hubs had said he only was attracted to me 30% I would've hit him with a 10 day old wet fish. Heck no.
Girl you deserve to be treated better. Either your man needs to step up and get therapy, or you should consider if he's worth it when he only likes you 30%.
oldmeal7 writes:
You’ve just had a preview of what the rest of your life with your husband is going to look like if something does not change.
I would start looking into my options and maybe have a break from him. Take the kids to stay with your family for a while, or just go by yourself, get some space away from him so you can really think outside of his influence.
Before you leave, write him a letter. Be brutally honest with him about what happened that night, how you felt about it, how his behaviour affected you, how the behaviour of his family continues affect you, and that you will no longer tolerate any of this from them any longer, because no one should have to put up with this.
Best of luck OP, stay strong, stay firm, put up some boundaries.
morchard37 writes:
I've been stranded before, too. It wasn't fun. He shouldn't have just left you like that, and he shouldn't have become so intoxicated. Though, I think that what he said about being only 30% sexually attracted to you is true.
Maybe he just married you, even though his parents thought that he could do better, because you were all that he could find in the moment that he wanted a partner, and he didn't want to have to wait to find someone who his parents like, because that would most likely never happen, from the sounds of it.
I also think that he may care about you, but he obviously doesn't love you like he may have when you two first committed to being in a relationship together, because otherwise, he wouldn't have said what he said when he was blackout drunk.
It sounds like he has developed views of you that are similar to those of his parents, and that may be because of just being around them and knowing they don't like you like they should. Or, maybe, because he goes to their house in secret and they tell him all about their complaints of you, and he may do the same back to them.
Who knows? Either way, if this had happened to me, I would sit down with him and talk this out and evaluate whether to stay in this relationship or not. If it had happened to me, I think that, even though I had talked this out, I would have said, "This isn't working out. I want a divorce."
I wish you the best, and I hope things turn out okay, no matter what happens.
barbarianspoonie writes:
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his actions. He needs to tell his family that he was drunk, argumentative, and purposely upset you and then left you alone in an unknown place with no way to contact anyone.
He is at fault, and he doesn't need his family to defend him. They should be appalled that he treated his partner that way. His family seems way overly involved in this situation, and frankly they need to butt out.
I'd be wary of his family's way of thinking, rubbing off on my children. You don't want them pushing the narrative that you are overly emotional and crazy. If your husband can't defend you and own up to this bad behaviour, I would refuse to be around your inlaws they sound horrible.
I wonder if his behaviour always changes when he is around family, perhaps drinking more, and being argumentive with you. Couples counselling would perhaps be beneficial and open his eyes to his family's dysfunction.
myjoyjnglife writes:
Unfortunately alcohol is a truth serum. He told you how he really feels about you when he normally wouldn't. Just because he doesn't say it when sober doesn't mean he doesn't think it.
I normally am not one to jump on leave him. But you two seriously need to talk about this and how he really feels about you. If he is really only 30% attractive to you sexually, this will not end well.
He can tell you otherwise when sober, but I would never be able to get passed that. Especially as you two age, and as the kids grow older and the tension builds in the marriage, it would always be in the back of my mind. Is he only staying for the kids? You know that is not a good marriage, the kids will know too.
You are not wrong, he was mean, you reacted like any one would. His family is gross and he has yet to stand up for you to them, so that will continue.
I think now the best thing for you to do is take a step back and really decide if this is the future you really want.
Then, OP provides this lengthy update about the situation:
Sorry this was so long. I'm just feeling a little conflicted and sad about it. Thanks for your feedback.
Update: wow. Thank you all for the responses, good and bad. I appreciate them. There are a lot more than I expected so I figured I'd respond to some common questions and comments rather than individual comments. I read as many as I could, which I think was most of them.
While I've never posted before, I've listened to them read and know it can be a challenge to give all pertinent information over a simple post and there's only so much you can gather about someone from it because of that.
First, a lot of people asked what flirting constituted which I thought was a super good question since it's different for everyone. Our version is mostly hugs, holding hands, hands on knees, he puts his arm around me, and gives me forehead kisses.
His parents have mentioned to him in the past that they were concerned that his arm around me and periodic forehead kisses were "obsessive" behavior, but he assured them that he believed our interactions were perfectly appropriate.
We are not drinkers, aside from a beer or glass of wine here and there. This was the first time we had done anything to that extent in years so I'm happy to report that this is far from a regular occurrence. Some of his family members are definitely regular drinkers, though.
My husband and I were raised in very different areas socially and culturally (small town vs city, North vs South) which is why I was so confused about this understanding with leaving someone alone in a strange place.
Sometimes things that seem very normal to me seem super foreign to him and vise versa and so I was very curious to find out if this was a general understanding that I had because of how and where I was raised that was not common elsewhere, or was it just something that his family never instilled in him because they didn't value it.
Many people mentioned that someone may have said something to him and that had got him agitated which caused a bit of a flip. I hadn't thought of that and it's very possible so I will ask him when I talk to him.
Something to mention about his family's dislike of me is that their dislike of me is not unique. I realized very early on that they do the same for everyone that is not one of them.
They do it to everyone around us with me there as well. My husband is realistic about their unhappiness and aversion to "others" and has worked very hard over the years to pull himself out of those habits.
He was honest with me from the beginning of our relationship about their cold demeanor and the effect it had on him growing up. Before I ever met them, he told me that he was working on these things and I do believe that it's not right to punish him for his family's behavior, especially if he is aware and actively trying to break the patterns.
My husband has always been very open and willing when it comes to therapy and has seeked it out before, as have I! We are both huge advocates of therapy, but are currently struggling with finding a provider within network.
Hopefully that will be resolved soon! But that's part of the reason I thought I would try to get some outside perspective for now from people I don't know.
When it comes to insecurity, he has mentioned his insecurity before the wedding about his libido being lower lately. He has gained some weight and believes that it may have had some impact on his self esteem as well as his sex drive and he has been open about this in the past month or so leading up to this occurrence.
We rarely see his family. Partially due to the tension it causes both of us, but also because they don't seem to feel the need either. We see them maybe twice a year and about 1/3 of the time I do not participate. This is why I don't know a lot of the family. They don't celebrate holidays together and aren't big on social interaction so it works out for us.
As for our day to day, we have a very loving and affectionate relationship. We deal with a lot of stress due to having 2 very small children, but in general, we communicate well and work through things productively when issues arise, which is why I think this bothered me as much as it did.
It felt strangely out of pocket. Some people pointed out that he may have fallen into habit again being around them all weekend and I think there is a lot of truth to that. In the end, he was raised by and around them and I know I am also very influenced by my family's traits, even more so when surrounded by them.
This is definitely an issue that we are going to talk about tonight now that we are home and level headed. And I am going to address his support of me around his family, because I do think that it's something that has bothered me for a long time and much more than I realized.
Thank you ALL again for your feedback and outside perspective. If there are any worth while updates I'll let you know.