Man ruins friend's marriage and unrelated engagement party; 'A comment I made did so much damage.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

"AITA for teasing my friend about not recognizing my kid, thus ruining her marriage and an unrelated engagement party?"

So, me and my wife have a 5 year old son. Our group of friends is mostly couples with kids as we are nearing our 40s and so a lot of our meetings with friends now include meeting up as entire families, kids included.

This can sometimes mean a lot of adults and a lot of of kids. One person in this group, Emma (fake name) used to be my roommate in college. She was married and has her own kids, and we hang out with her and her husband sometimes in a group setting, but rarely on our own. Emma also tends to run late, often. This is all relevant to the story.

As our son is an only child, we sometimes worry that he wouldn't really learn to share or get along with other kids. To prevent this, and while I love spending time with him, I would sometimes preemptively nudge him to engage with other kids when we are in public playgrounds or at the beach or the pool.

To that end when I buy him a water pistol or an RC car or the like, I'd often just buy 2 or 3. I'd get to the playground and play with him, and when another kid would show interest in the toys I'd just go "oh you wanna play with us?" and hand him the remote or the pistol or the whatever, thus getting the kids to play.

This works great quite often, and I have a generally good relationship with the parents at our neighborhood. This is also relevant.

One day, like a year back, me and my wife were planning on taking our kid to the pool. I pack my large bag of pool toys. Emma texts me - her husband is away that day and she's looking for something to do with the kids.

I talk to my wife and tell Emma we're going to our local pool and she's welcome to join us, but we're planning on heading there early, so she can just join us whenever.

We arrive at the pool pretty early and get a really good spot poolside, right by the shallows. I grab some water pistols and me and my kid start playing world domination (I am trying to take over the world and can only be stopped through the power of water pistols. It's a whole thing. Kid loves it.)

Soon another kid is there - it's a kid from my son's kindergarten class. he's there with his mom. He is, of course, welcome to join us. We know the family, the mom and my wife are pretty friendly and our kids play together often.

So my wife says she wants to go for a swim, and the kid's mom says she wants to join her, and asks me if I'm okay watching the kids - I say sure since by this point the kids are blasting each other with water pistols and I'm just chillin' poolside, just occasionally having to call out "oh no, my plans for world domination, ruined!!!" (because sometimes that's just what parenting is.)

Then Emma and her kids show up. She is really happy to see me, and I give out toys to her kids. All is going well. Then my son's friend runs up and asks for some other toy and I go "sure thing" and hand it to him.

Emma goes: "OH MY GOD! so cute! He looks just like you!" I laugh and say "okay cool, but this isn't my kid." Now, In her defense - the kid DOES look kinda like me, making this kinda hilarious. When my wife and the kid's mom come back - I tell them this story. they also find it hilarious. We all have a friendly chuckle but think little of it.

Fast forward to a few months ago. I haven't seen Emma in a while. We are at a friends group gathering, and it was a good time all around.

When we're about to call it a day, me and Emma are at the enterance, she's grabbing her stuff and I'm on my 2nd trip from the car (kid's toys, kid's clothes, dirty dishes, Tupperware with leftovers I want etc.) and I call out to Emma's husband "Hey! Can you call my wife and kid over! Just make sure it's actually my kid and not some random kid who kinda looks like me."

I think it's a hilarious callback. He seems confused and kinda angry. He asks what the hell I'm talking about. Why would he call a random kid? I'm also confused so I tell him the pool story. He doesn't laugh. Emma doesn't laugh either. the entire thing now feels kinda awkward. I awkwardly say goodbye, go grab my wife and kid myself and we leave.

Later that day I text Emma to ask if everything is alright. I get no reply. I text again a few days later. no reply. I get the distinct sense I fd up, but also if she doesn't wanna talk to me, I'm not gonna force the issue.

I leave well enough alone. At worst I thought she was mad at a joke I made which was apparently in poor taste. Boy howdy did I underestimate the fallout of this joke.

A few days ago I arrive at a friend's place and she's there. This is an engagement party, so no kids. I wasn't supposed to come but decided to last minute, and my wife was at home with our kid. Emma sees me and is LIVID.

She wasn't expecting to. she only came because she thought I wouldn't be here. She does, however, take the opportunity to tear me a new one though. She calls me out in front of everyone.

Because of my "joke" (originally said with air quotes) her husband was furious. From what she said and what I gathered from mutual friends afterwards - she previously commented on someone else's kid looking like someone who wasn't his father.

Except that whole thing led to family drama in Emma's husband's family because in that case that dude WAS cheating and that was his kid and a whole bunch of people were really hurt in the aftermath.

Emma's husband was FURIOUS because he apparently thought she would know better than to comment on kids looking like people AGAIN.

This sent them down a spiral, especially because the husband apparently thought she told me that other family story - and that I was mocking him for his family drama, and he thought the story I told was just covering for her when I realized I fd up - this was not the case.

I had no idea that whole thing happened. Still - he didn't believe Emma when she told him. So they are now separated. She calls me an asshole and says I ruined her marriage. I am not a confrontational person, I apologize profusely. I say I didn't know and if she didn't want me telling the story she should have said something. She tells me I'm making excuses.

This is now a scene. I apologize profusely again and leave quickly after telling the couple a quick congratulations. I am later told this was anything anyone could talk about at the party and now the engaged couple are mad at me too. Emma is even more mad because now EVERYONE knows her drama. I am unfriended and unfollowed on everything.

Some friends think I couldn't have known better and the joke was pretty benign. Other friends say it was in really poor taste to "throw her under the bus" and I am totally the asshole.

Emma's best friend (who I also know from college) thinks I DID know about the thing with her husband, and now I'm just covering my own ass to get away with being cruel. It has been a few days and some of my friends will no longer talk to me.

Others think she is wrong to blame me and that marriage was doomed anyway. Still - I feel really guilty about making the joke, and I obviously wouldn't have made it had I known the trouble it would cause.

I like Emma, and I didn't want to hurt her. I also liked her husband. I'd like to say that maybe he was wrong to let the marriage implode like that because of a stupid joke, but at the same time I don't exactly know his family drama and their history, nor the specifics of his relationship with Emma, so I can't really say he's wrong or overreacting.

The entire thing just kinda sucks. My wife sortta got my back though. She thinks the joke was hilarious, and actually thinks me breaking up their marriage makes it even funnier, because WTF. She also loves crazy Reddit stories so she sent me to post this... so at least I got that going for me, which is nice. so... AITA?

Tl;dr - my friend accidentally said someone else's kid looks like me. I later made a joke about this in front of her husband. Turns out she said something like that before and it destroyed their marriage. She confronted me at an engagement party, and apparently I ruined that too. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

Commenter 1: Nah it sounds like she's being blamed for someone else's infidelity and her whole in-law family is gaslighted her. I actually kinda feel bad for her.

OOP: I haven't actually thought of that. That entire thing must be really hard on her, I will try talking to her again in a few days, try to clear the air again. Because she IS a friend, and she is clearly going through stuff. Like I'm not super thrilled about how she called me out at the party but at the same time... I dunno I've known her for over 15 years...

Commenter 2: Info: I'm curious if you reached out to the husband to try and explain, especially considering how everyone in your group is supposed to be friends. And if you did reach out to him, what did he say?

OOP: I did not, and probably will not since he and I were never really close like that. I liked him well enough but he wasn't really the friendliest guy (at least with me).

Commenter 3: NTA

Emma’s husband wanted an out and you gave him one. It wasn’t your fault and you shouldn’t have even apologized. There was nothing wrong with your joke.

Honestly though your friend group sounds like it thrives on drama and you’re probably better off not being friends with the people who took Emma’s side.

Commenter 4: NTA - at all. And I love how she freaks out on you and publicly airs her dirty laundry then blames you for everyone learning about the situation she blurted out.

Update 1:

I am now updating you because the last few hours have been... a lot. It turns out that when I wrote my post I left out one critical piece of context: I thought I was regular person living a normal life. Turns out I am Chaz, a side character on the worst Gossip Girl episode ever written.

So after posting yesterday, reading replies and thinking it over, I decided to reach out to Emma one final time. Some of you thought I shouldn't and that these were, in fact, not my monkeys. Others made me realize that Emma was probably in a shitty situation with her husband and his family and was actively being gaslit.

Now, of note here, while as I mentioned we're not as close as we used to be - we used to be very close. She helped me pick out a spot and let me borrow her car for my first date with who later became my wife.

She was a significant part of my support system during some very rough times in my life. Despite everything, I still felt like I cared about her and wanted to work things out. This is no longer the case.

See from my perspective - I thought we were good friends, then when she met her husband we naturally drifted apart, and then this thing happened out of nowhere.

This was not what it looked like from her perspective. How do I know? Well buckle up because this is absolutely unhinged.

So, last night, before going to bed, I text her a long thoughtful message. I explain that I do apologize for the part I played in ruining her marriage, and I understand she is going through a tough time.

I understand if she wants nothing more to do with me, but if and when she feels she wants to talk it out, she is welcome to reach out, and I leave the ball in her court. I show this to my wife and she is practically giddy. She tells me there is no way this shit doesn't blow up in my face and I should have just cut my losses, like many of ya'll said.

Emma SHOWS UP AT MY HOUSE AT AROUND 7AM UNANNOUNCED. I ask WTF. She says she really needs to talk to me. I call my wife to the door and explain this. She sends me off with this woman because she understands this shit can only go poorly and apparently she is here for it and it's my own fault at this point.

So as I said, from my perspective we were friends, we drifted apart. From her perspective - for the last 15 years she has been playing some weird game of 4d chess. Or... 2 different games of 4d chess?

Apparently she had feelings for me back in college, and she was trying to "nice girl" her way into a relationship with me. By being there for me when my dad died, and when I was struggling with being single. She always gave everything because she just assumed I would, at some point "come around".

You'd think that me getting married or her getting married would change that, and it did, just... badly. apparently her husband knew about her feelings, which is why he always kept me at a distance. We never drifted apart, he explicitly asked her not to meet with me anymore outside of large social gatherings.

that day at the pool? yeah that was her sticking it to him, because he was "away" cheating on her or something, and he didn't like her hanging around me scantily clad. It wasn't just that he was upset at the joke, he was upset because apparently I was having an affair with his wife and rubbing it in his face. Makes no sense? I know. It gets worse.

That thing at the wedding? Well at least she didn't plan THAT. I told our friends getting engaged that I wasn't coming. She asked and verified this.

She wasn't expecting to see me and they told her I wouldn't be there, but once I showed up, she decided to exploit it. She INTENDED to have a huge scene with me, so that she could tell her estranged husband and friends - that I ambushed her because she broke off OUR AFFAIR.

OUR AFFAIR. APPARENTLY WE HAD AN AFFAIR.

"Oh what affair is that?" you ask. I did too. apparently the story some people got was that she and I were having an affair, and it ended and I was stalking her. Her husband left her because he found out. So people more inclined to believe her just thought that was what happened and wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

so why did her husband ACTUALLY leave? well some of you called it. According to her, he was cheating on her a bunch and overall not a nice person. She never actually cheated on him, but used me to pretend that she did without my knowledge. So after the joke at the gathering which may have indeed been in poor taste - they had a huge fight and he left the house.

As for the thing with his family - from what I gather it was some dude sleeping with his cousin's wife or some such shit.

So anyway, she tells me all this insanity, and tops it off with that my message really moved her and we can still be friends.

The reason she rushed to show up at 7am? My message made her realize I am actually the only one who really cares about her and everyone else in her life is fake and don't really care. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but now this sounds like some really manipulative shit to me, and now I'm thinking back to a lot of our previous interactions - and a lot of them also seem like that to me now.

I am not a confrontational person. I was willing to accept that I fd up. maybe some of you were right, and the joke was in poor taste, and I'm a huge asshole for making it because I thought that if he knew the story he would get the callback, and if he didn't I'd tell him a funny story about his wife. I accept all that criticism.

But THIS?! F no. I was done. I tell her I am done with her shit. She can get back to her husband, leave her husband, keep any friends she wants, because I am fN done.

I can forgive a lot, but she had been basically not communicating with me for over 15 years. I was telling her everything about my life and my feelings, and I was absolutely appalled by just how much of a one way street it turned out to be. I feel like I didn't ever really know her.

Maybe I played a role in that too. Maybe I was self centered or selfish and didn't consider her emotions or her signs. I don't know. And you know what? At this point I don't think it matters. She lied to me SO MUCH. she lied to SO MANY PEOPLE SO MUCH. I just don't care anymore. I don't think there's anything left to this friendship to fix.

And the worst part? I just gave you this huge update, and I genuinely don't know how much of it is true. Maybe she was completely honest with me.

Maybe she lied about everything and we're still playing 4d chess. Who knows? I certainly don't. And that, more than anything, is why this friendship is over - because even if I could forgive everything - I can never really trust her.

So that's that. there will probably not be anymore updates because this was meant to be a lighthearted post and it turned out into a total clusterf and I'm just so tired and so sad. I'm sorry if this wasn't as readable or as coherent as my previous post.

This just happened and I am just exhausted. My wife has been very supportive, though I assume at some point I'm due some well-earned "I told you so"s. She knows there wasn't an affair and certainly no stalking, and most of my friends probably know that too.

I may try reaching out to some others because well... I dunno maybe they were told even worse things about me? But I am just done with this. And now I am going to spend what's left of this weekend with my family and try to put this s behind me. thank you all for reading, and for your advice.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Wow, what a rollercoaster. It sounds like you made the right call in cutting ties. The situation was beyond your control, and you can’t be responsible for someone else’s complex web of lies and manipulation. Focus on your own well-being and enjoy the support of your wife and family.

Commenter 2: So she's been telling people you had an affair?

RUN FOR THE HILLS, open a group chat with the friends, tell the truth and whoever doesn't belive you drop them, if she takes the narrative would be your word againts her.

Update 2:

some of you thought things were going to get pretty crazy. Before I give the update I should probably clarify some things that were brought up in comments:

First - when I said we were roommates, I did not mean we shared a literal room. We lived off-campus in an apartment with another friend. Each had their own room.

Second - to clarify (and more on this later) the only person she told about having an affair with me long term was her husband (now ex). Everyone else "heard" about it only after the engagement party outburst.

Third - my house already has cameras and security. My dogs and her never really got along so I don't think she's going to be trying anything anyhow. (suppose they were the first to know what's up?)

Okay onto the actual update:

while unfortunately I do not have the conversation with her recorded. I DO have a text from a later time where she confirms making it up.

I did not block her because my wife said it might be better to let her incriminate herself further and have it documented, so I just let her do it for a while and once I got her to admit she made the affair up, I stopped responding.

Got increasingly angrier text but nothing yesterday so hopefully that's done with. She said some pretty nasty shit about my wife, and I considered responding, but my wife laughed it off and said that's just how sore losers are, and I shouldn't engage any further, so I didn't.

I also have screenshots from her husband where she talks about the affair she is supposedly having with me.

How do I have those you ask? Well, realizing just how much she lied about to me, it occurred to me that almost everything I know about her husband - let's call him Dave, comes, even indirectly, from her, and by this point I suspect she might not be the most honest conveyor of events. So I took a risk and texted him to meet up.

We had a long talk, and... again he might be lying of course, but from what he said - he actually never cheated on her, though she often accused him of that. the "innocent mistake" she made with his family?

Yeah she felt his cousin's wife was being a little bit TOO familiar with him (Dave), and started actively spreading the rumor the kid was his, maliciously.

This, understandably caused huge backlash, and was one of the many things which caused Dave to want to leave. the interaction with me, in that context, was just the final straw.

Thinking of that now - the mistake she made with me might not have been so innocent, and I think she might have tried to start some shit if my wife or the kid's mom were less good-natured about the whole thing.

So anyway, Dave is fighting for full custody so that can get really ugly. I don't know the legal nuance of divorce but I assume he's in for a shitstorm. He really likes a lot of our mutual friends and has been a part of the group for quite a while - so he doesn't really want to have to leave or anything, and to be fair, having talked to him vs. Emma, I tend to agree.

We talked for a long time and he seems to be a pretty good guy (though I HAVE been wrong before), and I offered some support because, well... having read my posts you can probably assume what divorcing Emma is like.

He worries about it and I understand him completely. So I offered support best I could and will probably continue to do so.

So as for my friends - I sortta took ya'll's advice but not really - I didn't do a group text, but I DID give a short summary of what happened and some choice screenshots to most of my friends.

This started some conversation, and a lot of tea was spilled, and some realizations were made regarding the fact that a lot of drama that plagued our group over the years can actually be attributed to "misunderstandings" attributed to Emma.

More tea ensued. Wife is having a blast. So.. yeah, some of my friends were gobsmacked since they didn't really hear Emma's story, but understood what a clusterf this was. Others were understanding. Emma's best friend blocked me so she got nothing, but I suspect she'd remain unswayed regardless, and I suppose that's good.

Most people I talked to felt We should probably cut contact from Emma, and that would be that. Her house in our neighborhood is owned by Dave, and she already moved out, so we're not supposed to be seeing too much of her day-to-day.

I don't want to demonize her. I don't think she was evilly cackling as she tried to ruin lives. I think she is a very troubled person and I still hope she finds peace and friends and relationships that would help her through whatever the f she is going through, and mostly a good therapist, but... this is no longer my circus, and she is not my monkey, and so I hope she does all that way the f away from me.

As for my wife - here things get a little tricky. See my wife confessed that she and Dave were having an affair all this time, and so we are getting a divorce.

I'm kidding about the last part, of course. God could you imagine? No, my wife is awesome and remained awesome. Since the situation seems to be mostly resolved she is now allowed to tease me about it, which she had been.

A LOT. I might take a while to live this down, but otherwise we are doing well, and for the most part things seemed to have settled down with my friends, though I may want to reevaluate some of my relationships with some of the ones who were more inclined to believe some pretty bad shit about me...

and, yeah... that's about it. sorry there wasn't really the crazy showdown some of you may have expected. I do think this thing is behind us now, and thank you all for reading, and for your advice.