Woman sees ex with new GF, confesses feelings she claimed she didn't have, 'I screamed.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for screaming at my ex after she said she still has feelings for me when she was the one to break?"
Ok, this seems like it came from a teen drama and I am the first that thinks so, but it seems reality really beats fiction. With that said, me (M27) and my ex (F25) start going out four years ago. Meet her at college in a science club (super hot, I know) and instantly liked her. Same hobbies, same likes and for some reason she say yes when I asked for a date. The relationship was good and for months everything seemed perfect.
Fast-forward those months and I present her my friends, including her in my group. And it's a completely success. They love her and she loves them. It was easy because we are a tight group and she didn't have one on her own. She has been always a loner and had some problems with her parents so she doesn't talk with them. Never thought it was a problem, but probably because I am dense as a wall.
So, 2 years later and I am already thinking about moving together, but she is weirder and weirder, and after spending so much time online, and begin to think she is cheating...which I completely hate, so I really needed to talk to her about this. So, being my dense, blunt as a rock self, I ask her is there is something wrong with our relationship.
And she started to cry. A lot. I was already convinced about the cheating, but it was worse than I think. She didn't feel anything for me, haven't for a long while, but she loves my friends, and she was so scared to lose them and being alone again that she had forced herself to be with me for more than a year.
Didn't know how to respond. She was the perfect liar I tell you. She hugged me, cuddled, and even would be intimate and I didn't notice anything. But I could kind of understand that fear of being alone, and I still loved her, so of course I accepted everything and told her we would say we just didn't feel anything romantic for each other and had been going out just by inerce. That way my friends wouldn't have any reason to give her the cold shoulder.
Which probably was a mistake. I resent her for a long time, doing my best to feign we are just friends while I still loved her and doing my best to move on. But I kind of did it, and finally I was ready to date again. And met a new and fantastic girl, who I ended up presenting to my group of friends. And that triggered the problem.
Yesterday, my ex wanted to talk, and told me that seeing me with new girl has made her realize that she still feel something and is scared of losing me now. And I couldn't answer, because wtf! And then I lose myself and start screaming. I barely remember what I said, but I know it was not nice and came from all my resentment and buried feelings...
That she was crazy, to sort her feelings and if her plan was to be intimate every time she was scared of being left out. I made her cry, she said sorry and left. And now I feel like an ahole but think I had the right to feel like she was playing with me.
Still have to talk with her again, with my friends, and maybe even with my new gf. But I really need an external view of this before that, and maybe some advice, please.
EDIT:
She finally answered back, people. Just saying sorry again and accepting to have a coffee tomorrow so we can talk about this. She try to ask about me for a bit, but I said we would talk tomorrow. Text can hide a lot of things, I want to be in person.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
SupermarketOk9538 said:
She deserves that 100%. Playing with your heart, broke it and left you alone and now trying to get back, she is the worst...Glad you could move and find yourself a new nice friend.
Outrageous_Guard_674 said:
Dude, you're her backup, but now you aren't available anymore, and she's upset. Try to be civil since you have the same friend group and maybe apologize for yelling if it makes you feel better, but shut down any further attemps to get you back quickly and firmly.
daretojda said:
NTA. It’s just manipulation now. Not only is she seeing you happy and with someone new, she’s also having to let go of that idea that you were “hers”, even if she didn’t want you. She’s probably getting scared of getting replaced in your group of friends by your new gf as well. I doubt there’s any sincerity in what she’s now saying. Stay away from this kind of person.
omrmajeed said:
NTA. Don't be stupid. She is manipulating you. Dont talk to her. Block her. Move on from her and focus on your current relationships.
Fragrant-Duty-9015 said:
NTA cause of course her behavior is upsetting and confusing. The fact she’s not close to her parents made me think she has a history of abuse, which can lead to attachment issues.
She clearly has those based on your description of her behavior. I’d guess she’s not actively trying to hurt or manipulate you, but that her behavior is the result of her inner turmoil and abandonment issues. She definitely doesn’t sound like she can be a healthy partner to you, but you’ve said she’s been a good friend, so I think if you approach her from a caring angle, the friendship can be salvageable.
Next_Prize_54 said:
Nta. I'm not surprised she had no friend group if she had to manipulate you for a year just to have someone to talk to. Disgusting and pathetic, I would tell your friends about it just so you know how manipulative she can be. She is no friend at all.
Gohighsweetcherry said:
Don’t trust her. Tell your friends what happened. They are your friends they should know the truth. NTA.
UPDATE:
Long story short, I went to sleep and then wake up to all the comments about talking with her being a mistake and she is manipulating me and I should tell everyone about this.
And really, I started to feel weird, because I think I made the post because I was still angry about what she did. Only to find the people here was more angry with her than me. I was starting to feel like I should defend her a little, but that probably would be bad for my mental health right?
So, in the end, I decided to heed your advice and call my gf to tell her about all this first, before the possible talk with my ex that would be this afternoon (for me, that's like 6 hours. Time zone shenanigans). And oh boy, it was the most awkward talk of my life...
The one part is that my ex hasn't talked with her, so there was no poisoning the well as some of you feared. Still, she sounded very tense when I started, but I think she relaxed a little when my first reaction to my ex was screaming at her for a full minute.
Still, then I had to told her why I freaked out, because recent events no standing, I am the most chill person you can find and getting me angry is a record Guinness in some circles. Which means tell my gf about the real story about the break.
After all that, I could literally hear her sigh, tell me I am a fucking idiot and too nice for my own good, but that she knew that when we started going out. Which maybe I should feel offended for that, but yeah, fair.
Curious enough, she wasn't as radical as the people commenting but not as ready to talk as I am. So, she told me that she will go with me for this coffe talk and that I can't tell my ex about it. In her own words, because she loves me.
But not only I am as dense as a rock, but as simple as one, so I am the most manipulable person she knows. And ok, again, fair. So, that's the plan for now, to talk with my ex with my gf in the same table about her ecent confession. What can go wrong right?
Jokes aside, I feel a lot better now after talking with my gf. Thank you all the people that basically hit me in the head and forced me to do this. It not all fine, she told me we need to talk about this and how I acted in the past seriously, but that isn't a 'we have to talk' talk, so I could stop stressing about that. But the important part is that she knows I want to be with her, and she is grateful that I talked with her about this. So, again, thank you all.
The next step is the dreaded talk, so I will update you all about what happens. Not sure if tonight or tomorrow, depending on how it goes and if I can do something nice for my gf for being a better than woman that I probably deserve right now.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
SucukandEgg said:
Your gf is right. You’re an idiot.
omrmajeed said:
Why the F are you still talking to your Ex is beyond me.
Th3TruthIs0utTh3r3 said:
I don't even need to read the text to know YTA. No need to scream at anyone. Grow up.
chuanamiotica89 said:
Haha, sounds like you've got quite the situation on your hands. Good thing your girlfriend knows how to handle a dense rock like yourself (no offense). Just be careful not to get manipulated again by that ex of yours! Best of luck with the talk and keep us updated.