Woman shares bizarre health saga; 'My fiancé has brain inflammation so I secretly went through his phone.' UPDATED

"Fiancé had brain inflammation and I went through his phone."

Going on 2 months of this terrible illness and it’s gotten to a point to where I have to pay bills to keep his life a float while getting treatment.

I decided to let my curiosity get to me and go through his phone since I had open access ( I know curiosity kills the cat) I have found multiple girls he had been online chatting with throughout our relationship and onlyfans receipts. I am completely devastated that I even looked and now everything I thought I had together in my life is shattered.

How do I move forward? What steps do I take? I’m not one to tolerate cheating but the man doesn’t know a conversation he had 5 minutes ago…

I’m venting but also looking for advice. I feel like I’m living in a horrible dream.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:

featu writes:

I know what I would do. I would talk to his parents and tell them the truth. Then tell them it is your intent to break up. They need to take him and make other arrangements for his care.

Give them a couple weeks to get it set up. Then you need to show your fiancé his phone and tell him it’s over and done. His parents are going to have to take care of him starting on X date. I would give him all this in writing so he can reference it to remind himself what happened.

If his parents don’t step up, he needs to start talking to a social worker to get long term care and a place to live set up. Sounds harsh but if you don’t you may end up being his caregiver for the rest of your life.

balderda7 writes:

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Give him back to his parents and seek grief counseling for yourself.

I'll share a similar story from one of the strongest women I know: My godfather developed dementia and that is when my godmother found out that he had been cheating on her their entire relationship, had secret bank accounts set up, and had another son with a woman in his parents home town.

His family knew about this other woman and catered to her and their son because they never liked my godmother. She was beyond devastated and couldn't even get closure from this man because he was so far mentally gone.

She put him in a care facility and then she got hell from her kids and his family for not taking care of him. And when he finally passed, his other family attended the funeral and asked my godmother about money and inheritance s.

She moved to our town after the funeral and I developed a super close relationship with her. My heart breaks for her, but she's a woman of faith and holds that near to her. She told me that she'll never find closure but letting it consume her is essentially letting him and his toxic family win.

She has a strange peace now finally travelling and doing the hobbies she loves doing. Visiting with her family she didn't get to visit much while they were married. There's hope OP, but you have got to move on for your own peace and sanity sake!

cawet writes:

Having been on the other side of this, my ex-wife had brain issue few years back. I stuck around and we got past it, less than a year later she developed a brazen attitude and would sleep around with anyone who would give her attention.

She then said nobody helped her and took to multiple AP, mostly people that we jointly knew. She would routinely degrade me and the kids daily. When I filed she instantly blamed me for her cheating, and is still actively telling people I was the unfaithful one. 2 Years since papers were dropped, she will not let it go because she does not agree with the custody arrangement.

OP wish you luck and may your trip be better than mine. Brain injuries can result in a "personality rewrite.". He may come out of it a more compassionate person, and you work through the past.

wikidood writes:

If outside emotional relationships haven't been discussed then they automatically fall under cheating. If anyone truly thought that their SO would approve then they would make sure to communicate prior to moving forward.

If you love someone then you don't just make assumptions without communication, especially on large decisions that effect both parties.

vetachy shares this personal story:

I am a WP who is in reconciliation with my BP and I have a somewhat similar situation as your fiance so I felt like I'd share my perspective. I hope that is ok.

2.5 years ago I started to have neurological issues that came out of nowhere, then degeneration of my spine, likely stemming from an issue that was increasing the pressure on my brain.

I was in my mid-30s, very predictable and healthy, never a whiff of infidelity in my life and had been a solid and caring partner for 5+ years at that time. Then over time things got worse and I started to do things or act in ways that were totally out of character.

They weren't things you just associate with garden variety depression - I went from having a great memory to forgetting stretches of time, I'd get lost 5 blocks from home, start to feel emotions that did not make sense (sobbing while watching a comedy when something funny happened). As BP said, it was truly like I became a different person.

BUT, that being said, I failed to be proactive in dealing with these issues as they became worse over time. The medical stuff I tried like hell to get figured out, but naturally it also affected my mood and behavior beyond just the neurological stuff that was out of my control.

A few months prior to the affair I was not just dealing with the things I could not control, but I was also really depressed and withdrawn. I just allowed myself to continue slipping into a hole. No therapist could have resolved the pressure on my brain, but they could have helped me develop better coping mechanisms and plans to deal with what was happening in my head when I'd start feeling certain ways.

I did not just fail my partner by having the affair, I also failed her by not seeking help prior to it to try and do whatever I could to stay as healthy as possible.

I am a healthcare provider and deal with a lot of patients that have brain injuries of some form, dementia, or other similar processes. On some level we are all a prisoner to our brain, neurotransmitters, etc, so there may be some component that involves his brain chemistry being altered in ways that are worth taking into account.

I'm not suggesting that he's devoid of responsibility, but there are absolutely situations in which we should not judge someone with a fully intact brain the same way we judge someone with brain damage or some process occurring that has fundamentally altered how everything is working upstairs.

The key is in figuring out if the altered behavior makes sense given the damage or ongoing neurological process.

If I had to judge myself honestly I would say the following - There is some part of what happened with me that was outside of my control but I was still an adult functioning well enough to try and figure it the f out and I still knew right from wrong.

I don't know where the line is drawn between what part of me was totally altered by what was happening in my brain and what was just me being an awful person and an awful partner. I don't think I would have ever had an affair if not for these changes that occurred, but if I were my BP I would keep that in mind while also realizing that I was intact enough to address the problems before it got out of control.

Can you try to take a step back and figure out just how much of this man has been altered by his medical situation and then from there figure out whether or not you think he's someone who is capable of being a safe partner with the right plan in place?

You cannot blame this all on the inflammation but it's important enough to take into account in my opinion. I think he has to be very honest with himself and find ways to acknowledge that there are some medical issues that are changing him but that he still must prioritize you and your partnership.

It's one thing to acknowledge the reality of the situation on a clinical level but, at least speaking from my own perspective, you have to then decide whether or not you are willing to just excuse your behavior because of that or take the steps needed to deal with the hand you've been dealt in order to do right by your partner.

Update:

For those who are just walking in, I was on my encephalitis ridden fiance’s cell phone paying bills when I found inappropriate conversations with multiple women, nudes that were never sent to me, and onlyfans receipts of women we both know that are local. These events were taking place when he was well (2020 and 2021) The wedding was in April.

My original post was the first step of help I had reached out for my situation and I can say you guys gave me the courage to unshackle my chains to the situation.

It took 3 days for me to fully digest the situation and I chose just to leave entirely. I left his parents with instructions on how to pay bills and passwords and what not. I ended that chapter with tact.

Even gave the ring back. I made sure I got all of my things prior to breaking the news to them just to avoid further awkward conversation.

I let all parties know with evidence that I have this knowledge and scorched the earth because my world went up in flames as well. On to a new adventure.