Woman shares the saga of her birth and subsequent hatred for her in-laws; 'They RUINED EVERYTHING.'
When this woman is devastated by her in-laws behavior after her birth, she asks the internet:
"The saga of my birth and the hatred I have for my in laws. Any advice for me?"
I recently gave birth to my first child. My in laws were terrible and highly obnoxious. To begin, I found out my fil and mil planned on coming to stay in my home for 2 weeks directly following the birth at our Chinese wedding ceremony (im Irish, my DH is chinese).
Dh's uncle asked my mil if they were going to visit the hospital when my son was born, and she replied that she was going to stay with us for 2 weeks. She did not discuss this with us.
Later, when I told her that this would not be happening, she told me that she HAD to stay so she could boil eggs and dye them red everyday and set them around our house.
While I respect their culture, it does not trump my need for privacy and family bonding time.
If she had asked or even been slightly polite about the situation, I may have found a compromise. Of course they were "so heart broken" that I would not let them come harrass me for 2 weeks, because its all about them.
The next day she tells me "i may not be coming for two weeks, but when the baby turns a month old you are going to have A LOT of people at your house." In chinese culture they shave the baby's head at a month old and have a small ceremony.
I had no qualms about shaving the baby's head or having my in laws visit for a day or two at that time, but i did not want my child who has not yet had his vaccines passed around like a football between every member of his family.
Mil had already made arrangements for the entire family to visit without our knowledge. She was upset when I told her she would have to cancel everything.
When they found out what I was going to name my baby, they threw a fit for weeks and told me i was not allowed to name my child the name i had chosen. They pestered me to change it over and over.
Fast forward to the birth! The moment they arrive at the hospital mil sits down on the couch and says "i hope you dont mind if we stay for the afternoon, we have nowhere else to go." So rude. She is an adult and could have gone and had lunch or made some arrangement.
Fil then tells me to get up and walk around! I refuse. Mil again brings up the one month visit, which Dh had warned her not to do. Dh then goes to change the baby, and the in laws literally RUN through the hospital room to hover over him.
Fil yells "THERE'S POOP!!!" I tell him no, it is not poop, it is ointment for his circumcision, and please do not wipe it off. He repeats "THERE'S POOP!!!" two more times, and I have to physically restrain him from wiping the ointment off.
Fil then exclaims "HES BLEEDING!!" I explain to him that yes, after a circumcision there is bleeding. He ignores me and repeats himself over and over.
He then tells me I am burping the baby too hard over and over, exclaiming "THATS MY GRANDSON!" until I firmly tell him to STOP and ask them to leave.
After all of this, I stupidly agree to let them come by the house for an hour before they left for home. They live 4 hours away and we didnt know when we would be seeing them again.
I explained that I wanted to get home and settle in and I would call them when they could come by. Mil is texting repeatedly while Im still in the hospital "it is 3 pm! Arent you leaving yet?!".
She is calling us on our drive home. Again, go have lunch or do something with yourself. So glad my memory of that first drive home will be tainted by her badgering calls. They came over for 30 minutes and left, thank god.
And its only getting worse! They constantly repeat unsolicited advice. At 7 weeks we had a visit for three days and I nearly lost my mind.
We are not visiting for thanksgiving, as i need a break for them for an extended period. I want my son to have his grandparents in his life, but he is only 3 months old and doesnt know the difference right now and i just cannot take it.
Let's take a look at some top responses (OP argues intensely):
feastt7 writes:
I just don’t see why you have to disrespect them. Chinese people are known for not dating outside their race. Seems like you hate them they don’t hate you. Seems like they are trying to invite you into the culture you married into but you don’t want to. Very American.
If I was your husband I’d be very hurt, and his family. Just a slap in their face to their culture. Your child will always be Chinese no matter how Irish you are. When he goes to school he will see the differences between him and other children.
The only way he can be proud of himself if he knows both culture and was brought up to be proud. Wow this post hurt my heart.
OP was NOT happy with this comment:
Are you kidding? So they can disrespect all of my boundaries because theyre chinese? Do you have children? I wanted privacy. They refused to respect that. Do you want constant texts to put your 3 month old on a schedule? Should i have let my father in law wipe off my childs ointment to my child's detriment?
Should i have answered the phone while driving with a newborn? So what if theyre not known for dating outside their race? My husband did. We had a baby. Thats it. Theyre not "inviting me into their culture".
Theyre demanding to stay in my home when im vulnerable and its intrusive. They dont want to share their culture, they want to control. Theyre ridiculous, and so are you. Gtfo.
mistonytalent writes:
Lol you know maybe... just maybe.. his parents thought that they son that they raised would tell his wife of those culture. Crazy right? And what’s rude for you is normal for them so maybe just maybe they don’t understand why you are upset by these things?
People have different cultures what you presume as normal may not add up to theirs because they were raised differently and that’s OK! Maybe your husband could have expressed his culture to you so you could have had a talk to them beforehand and explained how you do things. My family doesn’t Baptist babies we Crisen them.
My husband knows this and told his father beforehand before our baby was due! So there will be no confusion. When you come for two completely different cultures it’s important to have these conversations since I’m in a interracial relationship as well.
But you don’t seem like the kind of person who thinks of others and their feelings. Seem like really loving and happy grandparents who were waiting their whole lives to carry on these traditions. And if your husband would have told them earlier there would be drama. But best of luck keeping your son away from his Chinese heritage.
OP responds angrily:
Youre making a lot of assumptions there. You dont know what my husband and i talk about or dont. People arent going to walk all over me in the name of culture.
You have no clue what you're talking about. Just because i dont let his grandparents run my life doesnt mean I'm keeping him away from his culture. They are loving, but they have boundary issues.
craot6 writes:
My MIL is from a similar culture (Vietnam) and I am just writing to reiterate what others have said. A lot of this obnoxiousness is cultural because grandparents, especially grandmothers, have a central role in the upbringing of their grandchildren and the DIL is expected to be subservient to their MIL.
In my case, it's been ironic because my MIL married a westerner and cut her own MIL out of her family's life then turned around and expected (an American) to take on the traditional DIL role.
I did not and am grateful that my DH (who grew up in a western country is sees himself as a westerner) never tried to force this on me. When I became pregnant, I was relived to find out I was having daughters (twins) as I knew they would be less "valuable" in my MIL's eyes.
Unfortunately they are also her only grandchildren so we've had years of turf wars over them. But now my girls are old enough to realize how mean their grandma is to me and it's spoiled their interest in having a relationship with her.
This is particularly sad as she has dementia now. So, as much as you want them in your son's life, you also have to be willing to set boundaries and be the bad guy - no matter what they will make you the bad guy so just own it.
This took me a really long time to accept so I realize this advice is not easy. However, at the end of the day, you need to keep your nuclear family, happy and healthy. Setting and enforcing boundaries that the ILs won't like is part of that.
favort65 writes:
I have Chinese in-laws and let me just say, it can and will get worse. The unsolicited advice is so grating to my nerves at this point they could give valuable advice like dont take the babies outside naked in the middle of winter and I’d consider doing it just to spite them lol.
They even like to dangle the idea of them moving down to “help” over our heads which of course sends us into a freak out spiral.
I don’t have a lot of advice, the best thing I’ve found to combat their unsolicited advice is to act horrified and say that the pediatrician said the exact opposite. I did that when I was pregnant too.
Them: “Don’t eat bananas” me: “DoNt EaT BaNaNaS?!?!! My DR SaId If I dOnT eAt 2 EvEry DaY I wILl DiE!!!!” It usually shuts them up. It also got them to go along with a lot of the things I wanted to do lol.
Side note: if you ever need a vent session to get whatever dumb advice they just gave you out of your system, I’m here! I’ve got twin 9month olds and just when I think I’ve heard the last of the “advice” they come up with something even more ridiculous.
somebasicho writes:
Stop going to see them. Make them come to you. Then make then stay in a hotel so they can't invade your space. Then invite them to regularly scheduled events. Don't deviate from your kid's routine to please them.
This should cause a blow up because they're assholes. When they blow up over having to accommodate reasonable requests, you can tell them to f off or go home early. Maybe they will never visit again? One can only hope.
festique writes:
Sorry I don’t mean to play the “it could be worse card”! Your situation is unfortunate - there definitely are Chinese immigrants who understand they’re in a different country and try to become more progressive.
What’s ironic is that Chinese people in China are often more liberal toward women’s rights, due to gender disparities after the one child policy. Your DIL is a treasure who could have had her choice of men - and probably she went to school and works too, because houses are extremely expensive in big cities in China.
But Chinese immigrants in the US that came 50ish years ago left China during the good old times when your daughter was basically your personal servant until she got married and became someone else’s servant.
greata6 suggests:
Something that might help; I'm of Irish extraction and my Nana always felt that there should be red ribbons on baby cradles, ideally with a saint's medal.
Supposing you asked the in-laws to seek out the very best possible red ribbons, and see if you can't look together to find some medals with the baby's Chinese zodiac sign and the saint whose day they were born on, then you and MIL hang them all over the house together. Fusion.