Woman shares saga of her sister's marriage; 'I'm so jealous that it sickens me.' UPDATED

"I'm so jealous of my sister's marriage that it sickens me. I even snooped on her husband looking for evidence he's bad. I'm ashamed."

My sister and her husband always seemed to have a good marriage (they've been together for around a decade), but you never really know, right? And tbh I thought they were just pretending since I've never had a relationship that was super good in private.

Well, now I do know. I've been living with them for three months. They took me in when my ex cheated on me. They do nice things for each other all the time, and it's like they don't even think about it. It's just natural.

They're always bringing each other little presents. My ex called me shallow when I wanted him to give me even a cheap present for my birthday. Their eyes light up when they look at each other. My ex looked at me like I was a potato.

They hug each other as though they haven't seen each other in months whenever one of them gets home. My ex ignored me when I got home/wanted me to "leave him the f alone to fg relax" whenever he got home.

They encourage each other's hobbies and outside friendships. My ex hated my friends and thought my hobbies were stupid.

Worse yet, I can tell they're holding back when it comes to being affectionate around me. I arrived home early from an event one day and saw her sitting in his fg lap while they watched TV and he played with her hair. The stuff I see is apparently just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how much they like each other.

They've even been through some of the tough stuff (deaths, a miscarriage, job losses) that can tear couples apart, but they made it through just fine I guess.

I honestly didn't think relationships like this were real. I thought it was Hallmark bs and that all relationships are miserable, hard work once you get past the honeymoon stage.

I couldn't believe it, so I snooped on her husband ("Max"). It turns out his private communications are fine. He had conversations with female friends, but they were only platonic, and he even talked about how much he loves my sister ("Sandra").

Anyway, I felt extremely guilty about snooping that I confessed. They forgave me. My sister took me out for the day without Max and told me she'd been in shitty relationships before Max, which I already knew...

and that she thinks they helped her learn how to spot red flags so that she'd be available when the right person for her finally came along. She's also gone to therapy for a long time, and she says it helped her learn how to make healthy relationship choices/be a good partner.

Max and Sandra offered to pay for me to get therapy. My insurance isn't great, so that's nice. I just want to find something like what they have.

There's a silver lining though I guess. Now that I know this kind of relationship isn't a childish fantasy, I don't think I'll ever be able to put up with somebody like my ex again.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

grtga writes:

I’ve been there. Immense jealousy and absolute despair because clearly my personality just isn’t the type that anyone can get along with easily, my sister is obviously just such a chill, kind person and found the same.

But there’s something wrong with me so I’ll never get that. I’ll always be arguing and crying and unhappy. Maybe my ex wasn’t an asshole, I’m just unbearable to be with. Then I met my husband.

It’s been maybe seven years now. We’ve never argued. He’s never yelled. He’s never called me names. Never made se%ual jokes about my family. Never made digs at my weight. Never told me I’m not allowed to go on a trip with friends. Never bullied me. Some of those are just because he’s a decent human and my ex WAS the problem.

But honestly, our relationship so far has been a dream I didn’t think possible. I thought relationships had to take effort and hard work, but turns out when you find the right person… everything just fits.

Maybe that argument will happen eventually but hey, I can live with an argument every seven years. I only met my husband by dumb luck, and unfortunately there’s no way to fast track yourself to your perfect partner. Just please know that there’s someone out there for you, and eventually you’ll find them. I truly believe that.

fran8 writes:

Also, ANYTHING can make people moody. One of the biggest issues in my relationship was a lot of work stress. Taking on more work than I could handle that made me extremely moody when I got home.

So what happened? I stopped taking extra work, paid someone else to help me, and low and behold I can do what I want to do with the extra time and I can feel happy and very much in love with my partner all over again because I’m no longer stressed out.

If your sister and her husband have jobs they both absolutely love and can handle it makes A HUGE difference in interactions with one another because then there’s really nothing they have to stress about if at all.

I hope this also helps to give a perspective of how outside factors can hinder attitudes, but if you’re hardly stressed or have to worry about money, how could you NOT love to love in your marriage?

Commenter: It sounded like you wanted someone to be as miserable as you were to feel less alone, and I hope that that therapy truly helps you heal and find value in yourself. Your sister and her partner sound amazing and I’m glad they are able to help you

OOP: You've nailed it. The more I saw my sister and Max being happy, the more I felt worse and worse about myself and my life and all the time I've wasted in bad relationships. I hope the therapy helps me, too.

Sandra and Max are good people. I need to be more appreciative. It's hard when I'm so jealous, but it's important. I'm also glad they're able to help me. I feel pathetic needing the help, but I do need it.

Commenter: You should take the offer of therapy. Your view on relationships is incredibly skewed, and some sessions might help untangle some of it so you can view the dating world with a bit of optimism. Once you do that, you’re on your way to finding a healthy relationship. Good luck, friend!

OOP: I'm accepting the offer. I even have an appointment set up. Turns out it's easy to get an appointment when you don't have to go through insurance.

Commenter: It sounds like your bad experiences have caused you to see every good deed that they do for each other as either weird or as an outlier or as the stuff of movies but fortunately, those sorts of relationships do exist.

I reckon you should definitely take them up on their offer and get the therapy. It sounds like you need to get out of your head and spill it all out to someone who'll listen and offer constructive advice. And the snooping around thing should only be a one-off - they're being generous by letting you stay with them so don't piss them off.

And I'd stop comparing the relationship you had with your ex to your sister and brother-in-law's marriage. Your ex sounds like a complete turd!

OOP: I accepted their offer to get me therapy. I'm definitely not going to snoop again. That was a low point for me when it comes to my behavior, and I regret it. I'm amazed Max didn't freak out.

Update (16 months later):

Hi! I'm the psycho who snooped in my BIL's messages because I thought it was impossible for men to be great to their partners.

Short summary of original post: My ex was bad. In contrast, my sister's husband treats her so well that I thought it could be real. I snooped on him to try and find out what he was "really" up to, but he wasn't up to anything. I fessed up after realizing how horrible I'd been. My sister and her husband offered to get me therapy.

I'm not sure exactly where to start, so I'm going to use a list format and just write stuff in whatever order it comes to mind:

I started therapy very soon after my post. My first therapist wasn't great, so my sister Sandra encouraged me to find another, and my second one was awesome. I'm still seeing him once every two weeks.

He's helped me a lot with healing from the trauma of my last relationships and also learning how to relate to others in a more healthy way in every part of my life. He also really helped me learn how to manage bitterness and jealousy, finding the underlying causes and working on those.

I moved out of my sister and BIL's house after a couple months.

It turns out that my sister and BIL were secretly livid about the snooping, but they appreciated that I'd confessed on my own and decided to be kind and help me. They decided that if I took advantage of the help they offered and put effort into being better, they would forgive me. I didn't realize how close I was to making my sister go low-contact with me. Thankfully, I did take their help.

I'm not upset seeing how loving my BIL is to my sister anymore. I'm happy for her.

They became foster parents after I moved out and are now in the process of adopting the little girl they've been fostering! They are literally the PERFECT people to be nurturing a traumatized child, they're doing so great, and the little girl ("Maddy") is doing so much better than when she was first placed with them. She's an amazing girl, and she and my sister+BIL are so lucky they've all found each other.

I've been single the whole time. That was on purpose. A few months ago, though, I determined that I'd be open to dating again. I didn't want to actively do anything - no dating sites - but I decided I wouldn't purposely avoid dating anymore.

A week ago, a guy I became friends with at an animal shelter I started volunteering at about 6 months ago asked me out. I said yes. Our first date was great. He's very kind. He's the guy you go to if you need to calm down a traumatized, terrified animal. He cleans diarrhea-coated animal carriers without any complaint. My sister approves of him. He's very funny, too.

Commenter: Self reflection is key in establishing or reestablishing healthy relationships. Good for you that you are doing what is necessary to be a better you.

OOP: Thank you. My sister has helped a lot, but the comments on my first post were also helpful. Even most of the negative ones, though there was one negative one that I remember in a particularly bad light.

The person said I shouldn't accept the help my sister offered because I'd be taking advantage of her. I'm really glad I didn't listen to that person, considering that my sister was planning to go LC with me if I didn't accept their help getting therapy.

Commenter: You are showing quite the number of positive decisions since your first mistakes. Please allow yourself some pride in that. Good things should be rewarded.

Commenter: I am happy for you. I think a lot of us see toxic relationships growing up and learn to accept and normalize abuse. I wish more people would stop believing that they don’t deserve true love and respect.