Woman shares parenting dilemma; 'My husband's accusing me of treating my stepson and bio daughter better than my stepdaughter.' UPDATED 2X

"My husband is mad that I refuse to give my stepdaughter cash gift after graduating from high school, like I did with my stepson and later with my daughter."

Hi! I’m a 43 years old woman. I have one daughter 18. Her father left us when I was pregnant with her. I own a small company in interior design and it’s very successful in my country. I make a very good living.

I met my husband 55, about 8 years ago. He moved in with me 7 years ago and we got married 2 years ago in a private ceremony. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. Boy 20 and a girl 19.

Both my stepchildren hated me and my daughter in the beginning of the relationship. When my husband asked them how they’d feel about him moving together with me they both initially hated the idea and told him that if he did it they would just stay permanently with their mother.

After a while my husband moved in anyway and said to them that they were welcome should they change their mind. They did, after seeing the big house with the pool and all all great accommodations. The boy started liking us gradually and we’re on great terms now.

The daughter, not so much. She was horrible to me and my daughter and one day when she was 13-14 I heard her making fun of my daughter’s weight and looks to her face. I was livid. I have suffered ED growing up because of bullying so I KNEW how dangerous that was.

I knew how my daughter must’ve felt, so I told my husband that stepdaughter was never allowed to live in my house again. My stepdaughter tried to apologize and she was sobbing but I didn’t budge.

I had too long of an experience with bullies that I knew it just got worse when they got confronted and had to apologize and I wasn’t going to take the risk. So she moved permanently with her mother(my initial plan was to break up actually but this was my husband’s idea).

She still bullied my daughter in school (they didn’t go to the same high school but my stepdaughter had friends in my daughter’s class that did her bidding. I found about all of this about a year ago.

My daughter was embarrassed to tell us and she thought she could manage her bullies. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty that my baby didn’t dare to confide in me.

Uni is free in my country. Students often take student loans (with almost zero interests) and work part time jobs while studying to make ends meet but the education is free.

When my stepson started uni however I gave him €100K so he didn’t have to work or anything and just concentrate on his studies (engineering). He was so grateful but told us that he wasn’t sure he could be trusted with a large sum so my husband is handling his money making monthly payments. I am planning to do the same with my daughter.

Stepdaughter graduated with great marks and she’s started medical school this year. She asked her father about her 100K and he came to ask me. I was confused because before I gifted my stepson I asked my husband if I could do it and the reason was because I wasn’t planning on doing the same thing with my stepdaughter.

He told me I could do what I wanted and it wasn’t weird at all because My stepson and I had a great relationship and he always saw me as a second mom. He got really mad and told me that my stepdaughter had changed a lot, but it wasn’t true at all.

Although she wasn’t living with us anymore she made sure to make our lives a living hell every time she visited and even got physical with my and my daughter. If she started playing nice now it was only because there was money involved and I knew that and my husband knew that too. I even told him that she called my that bitch and even in the phone my number was saved under “that b”.

He is now very angry. He hasn’t talked to me in over a week. He’s saying I’m using my money to control their lives and that he’s heartbroken. If I don’t have enough money for both daughters I can split my daughter’s share between them since my daughter isn’t even sure she wants to start college right away (and let’s face it, she will likely never get into med school: his words)

Maybe if I did it, stepdaughter would be more grateful and be closer to my daughter. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t owe my stepdaughter anything. My daughter and I have suffered enough because of her ways.

She’s could still do like the rest of her peers. Work and take loans and she has a bright future ahead of her. There maybe be some truth in his words about me using my money as a reward/punishment. I an ashamed but still defiant. I should do what I want with my money.

Tl;dr my stepdaughter treated my daughter awfully and that made me exclude her from my plans to help the kids financially while they’re in uni.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

grounddd writes:

So your husband has been just sitting around waiting for you to pay for both his kids? What a charmer.

OP responds:

He pays alimony and paid child support.

treecitykit writes:

That's good but it sounds like he expects his daughter to receive the same treatment as his son and your daughter. He knows she hasn't treated you or your daughter well and has been a bully to both of you.

What makes him think she deserves anything and why does he not insist she treat you both better? Why does he think you owe her anything?

fluffdog9 writes:

You uh, you know this man is just with you for your money right? Right? You may want to reconsider that whole breaking up plan you had.

OP responds:

Maybe he is.. he never showed anything like that before.

fluffdo8 writes:

Well, think about it logically, if your children told you they would never see you again if you moved in with a man, what would you do? I’ll take a wild guess and say you would end it, right? Well, he didn’t. So, we’ve already established he’s a bad dad who doesn’t actually care about his children’s best interests.

Next, his kids didn’t want to move in with you until they realized you were rich. Kids often learn these morals from their parents, so what does it tell you that both kids were suddenly okay with things, and the step daughter threw a fit about leaving the home of a woman she hated, simply because you have nice things? Maybe that they were raised by someone who has a particular interest in the finer things in life.

Continuation of point one, when it came to picking his child or picking your money, again he picked you with the money and permanently kicked his kid out. What the f?

Finally, now that you’ve said you won’t give her any money, he’s trying to pretend he’s a good father? But we’ve already established twice, he doesn’t actually give a shit about his kids best interests.

And given he’s the one in charge of his son’s money, it stands to reason he’d probably expect the same. Even if he didn’t, again, he’s only willing to ‘be a good dad’ when that involves taking your money. If it involves giving up your money though, oh no his kids can go rot for all he cares.

And I guess one last point, he wanted you to give up providing for your actual child to provide to his, and even decided to insult your kid, so that brings me back to my first point, if you were in a situation where you had to choose between a man and your kid, who would you choose?

Because you seem like you’d choose your kid, even before you realize he’s just in it for the money. Remember, truly manipulative people, you never see it coming.

babngasmash writes:

He can ask his son to share his money with his sister or he can provide he with some money. He is basically asking you to try to buy your stepdaughter’s affection, and you’re saying you don’t think that’s a good investment with probable returns.

OP responds:

He already tried. Stepson was furious. He’s not in good terms with his sister.

faaetyr writes:

Your stepson may wanna put a lock on his account (if you don’t have access) to stop his dad transferring money to the sister behind his back... I wouldn’t put it past him. And please make sure your own will is ironclad.

You would be rewarding bullies if you gave your SD the cash. And no, it wouldn’t foster a more positive relationship. Your daughter would likely just feel very upset that her nemesis is being rewarded, by her own mum, and it’ll damage that relationship. Don’t do that!

OP replies:

I have no access to my stepson’s money. I don’t think my husband would do something like that but maybe I need to tell my stepson that he needs to be more cautious? Do I even have the right to do that?

elzbet writes:

Wow, I’m so sorry. Honestly the stepdaughter sounds like a total nightmare and I can’t believe she used people to bully a younger girl at a different school. That’s horrid and proves you were right that once you confronted stepdaughter about the bullying it would in fact get worse for your daughter.

I think it’s absolutely insane that anyone would expect you to drop that much money on someone who will obviously treat you and your daughter like shit. I know it’s hard on your husband but I think you are more than fair.

You paid for your stepson, built a relationship, she isn’t entitled to the same just because she wants money. You aren’t controlling their lives, it sounds like your husband has let your stepdaughter run out of control.

You aren’t being controlling not dropping 100k on a kid that would bully yours into social isolation/an ED. Why does she get special treatment over your stepson and your daughter? I hope you don’t pay for her school, this shit will never end if you give in now… next it’ll be her wedding, her house… just gross.

Edit- if she’s literally laid hands on you and your daughter I wouldn’t let her near you or your money, she sounds like if she doesn’t get a reality check she will just keep growing into a monster.

OP replies:

Yes, about getting physical. She pushed my daughter so hard that my daughter stumbled and fell over the Christmas tree, two years ago. She said she didn’t mean it my daughter was in her way and she didn’t see her.

She didn’t know that I was watching the whole time. She even laughed when my daughter fell. She wasn’t allowed in our house on holidays afterwards. Me, she literally slapped me in the face when she was 14.

That’s what my husband say. That I have kicked her out and forbidden her from visiting on many occasions and his experience is that because I own the house I’m doing this. I wouldn’t be able to do the same if it was his/joint house.

I don’t see it like that at all! I always made it clear my daughter came first and if I had to choose between our relationship and my daughter I chose my daughter. In his mind that’s extortion

Update 1:

Hi! I have now talked to both my husband and my stepdaughter so I thought I should share it with you if you’re interested. But before that I want to say that I’m very disgusted(although not surprised) by the amount of people who actually took a bully’s side.

What I wrote in my first post wasn’t just one-off incidents. any one with more than three brain cells should have understood I wasn’t going to write 8 years worth of bullying and bad behavior in one post to convince bully apologists to understand why I did what I did.

Many also talked about how we, as parents, have “failed” the bully. I don’t know how since the two other children we raised turned out to be decent human beings with a lot of empathy for others around them.

I only wish everyone who defends bullies, or try to explain away their horrible life scarring behavior, to never have had to deal with one in their or their children’s lives and feel the pain they can inflict on others.

I do not regret any of my actions. I saw my stepdaughter for what she was and I acted instinctively. Her young age played little to no roll in my decision to protect my baby. My daughter was and still is my sole priority.

Update 2:

I decided that I should try to confront my stepdaughter directly instead of communicating through my husband or via text so I asked her around for tea. She accepted immediately which was a first. She showed up last Sunday.

I sat her and my husband down and I just bluntly asked her why she should expect any financial help from me when she hated my guts. She got defensive and said that she didn’t ask me, she asked her dad. I told her that I knew she wasn’t stupid and she well knew that stepson got his gift from me and not their father.

She said what’s the difference you’re married. I told her the difference is that stepson treated me and my daughter as family while she always hated us, bullied her little stepsister even in high school

(she was shocked here she didn’t know I have found out about the high school bullying) and I asked her if she would give money to someone she knew hated her half of the amount she hated me and why then she expected Me to do that.

She started crying and apologizing etc. I told her I wasn’t the one she should be apologizing to. I told her that I wished her great success and happiness but that I won’t be helping her financially throughout her education.

My husband was silent the whole time, when she left I told him to never compare our daughters again making my daughter to be the inferior one just because she wasn’t as academically successful as her stepsister.

I trust my daughter and I want her to be happy and if she wants to study in a “less prestigious” school so be it! Her happiness is the most important thing to me and I didn’t appreciate him dragging her and comparing her to others when none of what happened has anything to do with her.

He tried to apologize and told me he just wanted to help his daughter. I told him he’s free to do that however he wanted, just not on my daughter’s expense.

We have been civil to each other ever since although he’s a bit cold towards me, but hopefully he’s just ashamed of this whole episode. I will give him some space because honestly I need some myself to think things over.