Woman shocked to find out that her friend is an insanely toxic bridezilla. 'How did I get roped into this?' AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this woman is shocked to find out that her friend is a major bridezilla, she asks the internet:
"My friend is a major bridezilla. I'm thinking of opting out. AITA?"
One of my friend's is planning her wedding. Or rather, she expects me to plan her engagement announcement party, bridesmaid announcement luncheon, bachelorette party, the wedding ceremony, and the reception.
She also expects me to contribute financially. While not attending the wedding because, and I quote, "my fiancé used to have a crush on you and I don't want him to be tempted to run away with you. Can you imagine the embarrassment of being left for YOU? Hahaha!"
What? Summing up the rest of the convo, I told her off and questioned how she can make demands like that to someone that she clearly doesn't respect.
She said that I planned one of my aunt's weddings and I both planned and funded a friend's baby shower (this was my best friend since elementary school and she has no family willing or able to support her - this was me making it clear that I'd be there for her and her child as a godmother).
I don't get it. This particular person always rubbed me wrong, but was always in the friend group. Her fiancé is genuinely kind and always talks on how she's not "that bad," but are you seriously not an entitled jerk when you want someone to plan an event, partially fund it, and not attend because you're insecure!?
She's still texting me potential venues right now as if I didn't tell her off and hang up on her ten minutes ago!
Take a look at OP's updates:
Update 1:
Talked to the fiancé and he's getting off soon. We're gonna meet up at a mutual friend's place. I already texted that mutual some screenshots and she's trying to see what she can get from bridezilla.
Hopefully whatever is shared will be helpful. Bridezilla allegedly plays her entitlement and dislike of me off as a "joke" and that's why most of our mutual friends laugh it. Don't see how that's even remotely funny, but whatever. Gonna meet up in half an hour or so.
Update 2:
The night and early morning has been spent spamming the friend group chat with screenshots of delusion and anger.
So to update everyone that asked for one. I met up with the fiancé (who I'm gonna call Ryan) and a mutual (who is Rachel) around 11 PM at that mutual's place. I noticed someone said it seems like I'm into him and I want to clarify that I've been friends with him since high school, freshman year.
He's someone I care for greatly and someone who has been through a lot in regards to bad families and poor examples of healthy relationships. The way I treat him is the way I treat my best friend Kim (the one that I'm godmother for). This meeting could've gone south quickly, but I'm glad I involved another friend.
I showed him the texts first and told him about the call. I explained to both him and our mutual that everyone laughing when Bridezilla does things like that hurt my feelings and contributes to her thinking it's okay - I'm the go-to friend, ol' reliable who supposedly never says no. And yeah, I help who I can, but I am not a doormat.
Ryan was confused about the "crush" thing and fixated on that - he didn't want to acknowledge anything else at first. He eventually just cried and Rachel took over by telling him that she's also been texting Bridezilla and the way she speaks about me when she thinks she has a fellow anti-OP isn't cool nor healthy.
Some of her texts from Bridezilla were awful, most being about me getting Baker Acted in high school and one Rachel wanted us both to see was a list of female mutuals not allowed to attend or have contact post-wedding because "Ryan called them pretty but I'M the only pretty one in his life lmao."
I asked Ryan permission to "blow it up," IE if he was okay with me sharing everything in our main circle of friends. Honestly, I don't want to put him in a worse spot, but I already know Bridezilla was getting upset I wasn't responding to her - her text got extremely nasty and I'm glad I hadn't blocked her yet.
He said yes and I, a Samsung user, took the LONG sceenshots and started spamming the groupchat with them.
No warning, no context, starting with the only text I sent her - "No, I won't plan and fund your wedding and be disrespected while doing it. I get that we're not actually friends, but you don't speak to people like that and think they'll do anything for you." I blocked Bridezilla right after this.
Rachel hasn't shared her screenshots yet, but things have be... Interesting. Bridezilla is sending messages through others about me not taking a "joke" well, but the ones passing it on are saying they're sorry for how they've gone along with that behavior.
I've blocked them too, at least temporarily because WHY are you passing along her texts of what she wants to say to me when I told you I'm done and I don't want anything to do with her anymore? Is that normal friend behavior? I'm seriously asking at this point.
As of now, it's 9 something in the morning and I have more people to send my copypasta of "I'm temporarily blocking you as I want nothing to do with Bridezilla" and blocking them.
Ryan has apparently sent her a text saying to keep the ring and blocked her. Rachel hasn't blocked her and is on some multi-way call with her - she's apparently a mess and it's all my fault.
Boohoo, don't start crap and there won't BE crap. Rachel says she's going to "play both ends" and blow things up worse than they are - she genuinely wants to "weed out the crap friends" and says she's noticed a lot of people are considered "friends" when they shouldn't be.
Anyways, thanks for all the comments, support, and advice on my first post! My first method definitely would've caused way more drama (IE meeting Ryan alone in any capacity). And I really hope the "steal her fiancé" comments were jokes, but I also looked into the suggested petty revenge sub and... Yeah.
I can't bring myself to do that to Ryan when I'm pretty sure I'm aromantic at this point. It would be hilarious to see Bridezilla's meltdown, not worth hurting one of my besties.
OP also provides these relevant comments:
Thankfully she has listened to my concerns. She's bowed out of it, but by this point some of what she's done has made me uncomfortable. She didn't have to do much to "stir the pot" and didn't say anything about me that seems like a red flag, but what she's done does seem like one.
I told her to anonymously report it if she believes it's career ending, but not to take her "nuke" route of posting it online everywhere. I don't think it's the best option because she might put herself in danger of Bridezilla decides to retaliate.
Update 3:
As a commenter predicted, Bridezilla has latched onto the "not invited" part of her comments and made it seem like that was my issue with her. Her angle is that I'm upset I wasn't invited and that's why I'm sabotaging her and Ryan.
She's telling everyone willing to listen that she felt Ryan values me above her, so that's why she initially didn't want me there and that she'll invite me if I talk Ryan out of leaving her and let her pick my outfit???
The above and her "it's a joke, get over it" mindset have revealed far more about those I considered friends and associates than I'm comfortable admitting I ignored to keep mutuals or just genuinely missed.
I allowed a lot of toxic behavior around me when I cut my mother off for a lot of those same behaviors. I feel dumb to be honest. Like, really dumb and close to tears.
There are in fact people I need to cut off. Surprisingly though, it's a small number, four of the fifteen in our main group. These are people who have admitted to: 1 - Inviting me to concerts and parties so they have a ride 2...
Asking me to join trips so they had a "mom" to take care of things they would "forget" 3 - Asking me to be a godparent because of how I treat Kim's kid (paying for trips, buying random gifts, babysitting just to hangout, having a room at my place just for them) 4 - Setting me up on dates so they'd have a "doubles partner" (I'm gonna go on a very long tirade about THIS person).
On the room thing because Bridezilla's entitlement didn't just magically poof away. Apparently I'm meant to give that room to her hypothetical kid. Like, take it from my godson and give it to HER kids.
She thinks that because of how Ryan and I became friends, that means I should value my friendship with him above Kim, thus entitling her hypothetical kids to more. It's such a weird notion to me.
The way I met Ryan was through group grief counseling. But I don't think that friends have "different worths" the way she and some others described it?
The friends who passed along messages have been unblocked. I talked to them and, like another commenter suggested, they were sending screenshots because they themselves didn't realize they were allowing her to get away with stuff like that for years and were genuinely sorry.
I told them I allowed it too, so I can't really be mad at them at this point. When I've said I didn't like something, these are people that would stop it immediately. I should've said something earlier instead of ignoring it because Bridezilla was their friend and Ryan's girlfriend. Don't know if that makes it okay, but I'm gonna let it go.
I glossed over Ryan telling Bridezilla to keep the ring and blocking her, as someone pointed out. There was much more said, some of which are NSFW.
The screenshots Rachel and I shared with the group excluded all the messages Rachel received about Ryan, specifically in regards to his history with being SAed and abused (don't ask details - I don't know nor have I ever asked; I don't need to know to support him).
There were things being shared to Rachel that he confided in Bridezilla about, but not in Rachel or I about. Rachel didn't show me and I didn't ask to be shown either, but that's what made Ryan stop fixating on Bridezilla saying he had a crush and that was why he just cried for most of our meeting.
I personally did not see these texts, but Ryan told me that's what they were about and he's unsure what to do beyond cutting things off. Again, he's not good with confrontation yet and he's been working on that.
He just knows he can't be with Bridezilla anymore nor can he keep the "she's not that bad" mindset. He also isn't comfortable nor ready to speak to her directly about what she did.
There are aspects where he's going through the realization that, like myself, he cut off an awful parent while allowing himself to be treated the same way by a different person.
Rachel bowed out of "stirring the pot" earlier today when I told her how I felt about what she was doing, but later on she explained her logic and the history behind it when I asked out of curiosity.
She was fixated on getting Bridezilla on recording saying these things because she wants Ryan to be able to sue her if he decides that's the route he wants to take. She told me that middle school saw her being outed as a lesbian by a former friend.
Bridezilla, who she's known since middle school, had been the only one to stand up for her in their old school when that happened and so Bridezilla doing this to Ryan led to Rachel genuinely wanting to ruin her life in her anger.
She's stopped, but she's also admitted that she wants to air out all of Bridezilla's business, things that I don't know about and truly don't want to be told about. It's just been hinted at being potentially career ending for Bridezilla (she's in nursing and could lose her license according to Rachel).
While I understand her feelings, I'm still not comfortable with her phrasing of things (it's just how she talks, but...). I'm not cutting her off, but I've told her that I don't even think what we did in sharing the screenshots with everyone was the right thing.
It's this morally grey area that I'm still trying to understand from her perspective and reconcile with my own morals.
I love Rachel, but I don't want anything to do with Bridezilla and those I've cut off officially for my own mental health - the nuke option might end in a far worse fallout than right now. I don't think I can handle that level of drama and I don't think Ryan can either.
To end this, I'm gonna ask people to stop sending me revenge ideas. I was okay making jokes about it at first, but the private messages being sent and some of the comments on my posts are getting out of hand.
I don't want to "steal" Bridezilla's man, I don't want to take over her wedding by showing up in white, I don't want some elaborate scheme where I infiltrate Ryan's bachelor party as a stripper (yes, someone sent me that).
I don't want to humiliate anyone like that. It was funny up until I realized that the things shared with me from the petty revenge sub happened to actual people.
I feel gross and guilty for even humoring this crap in my first update. Bridezilla is an awful person and while I'm still upset right now, I genuinely can't bring myself to hate or dislike her enough to do any of the things you guys are suggesting.
Thanks to everyone for reading, leaving advice, and even pointing out things. I'm gonna grieve the losses, because it hurts to cut people you cared about off. Thanks again.
Quick Note on Rachel (addressed in comments) Her "nuke" route involves posting everything online. I suggested she do it anonymously so she doesn't face backlash or retaliation for it.
She's taking that route instead, so Bridezilla may lose her job and license. I don't bank on the downfall of others, but the email I helped Rachel draft isn't kind. No abuse or negligence of a patient, but a lot of HIPAA violations in regards to patient information, medical equipment, and medication.
Take a look at some of the top comments:
killerqueeslash writes:
Everyone including the Op just sound exhausting to be around. The only one that's not exhausting is Rachel since she has evidence to expose the bridezilla that could make her lose her licence as a nurse.
I'm sure she had rose colored glasses on when she was around the bridezilla after she defended her, by excusing he behaviours until she took them off to see who the bridezilla truly is.
solvedproblem writes:
Cutting friends out can be super hard, even when they're actively screwing with your mental health. Had to do so recently myself and thankfully the fallout was limited to 2 people (who seemed fully intent on making the drama so much more but thank God they didn't follow through), but I've never before doubted my own choices so much.
For a little while, anyway. Very quickly I felt lighter than I had in years, a literal weight off my shoulders.
Good for OOP getting rid of the dead weight. Even better for Rachel who won't let this shit go by without making damn sure there's consequences for BZ.
adiosfelicia7 writes:
This sounds like some high school drama shit. As a peace loving adult, when someone shows me that they're a nasty, untrustworthy person, my one and only goal is to extricate them from my reality, asap. Quickly and efficiently.
I don't need revenge or to "expose" them. Life handles that shit. I'm a strong believer in "they'll get theirs." Ima just sit by the river and wait for their body to float on by.