Woman SHOCKED when she takes DNA test; 'I'm 23% related to my husband.' UPDATED

"I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 23% related to my husband."

Hey everyone, I’ve known my whole life that I’m donor conceived. I grew up in New South Wales, and my parents were always open about it, so it was never some big secret.

I didn’t think much about it beyond that, though, until a couple of years ago when my husband and I decided to take an AncestryDNA test. We thought it’d be fun—maybe I’d find some half-siblings, and he’d learn a bit more about his side of the family.

Well, we got the results, and… I matched with him. My husband. As a half-sibling. At first, I thought it had to be some kind of mistake, or maybe I misunderstood something.

But no, after looking into it, we realized his dad was also a donor, and no one ever told him. Now, here we are, married for years with two kids, and we’re still trying to figure out how to process the fact that we’re siblings.

I don’t even know how to explain how I feel. It’s just… overwhelming. I love him, of course, but this changes so much. We’ve already spoken to a genetic counselor, and we’re trying to move forward, but it’s like everything we thought we knew about our family has been flipped upside down.

I just feel kind of lost. Has anyone else here gone through something like this? I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has dealt with something similar… or even just your thoughts.

EDIT; this blew up much bigger than I intended. I'm going to speak to my husband about family therapy again and sit on this information. We have no interest in going public at this point.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some comments and responses from OP:

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I think you need some family counseling. First between you and your husband, and then later down the road when you inevitably tell your children. I’m not sure if you are able to take leave from work, but it would be a good idea to look into that because this is absolutely something you need to process without work distraction.

OOP: I'm in therapy myself but unfortunately my husband is not open to that right now. He's in a big denial phase and does not wish to talk about it.

Commenter 2: I’m so sorry. This was bound to happen somewhere in the world, at some point, given the current unregulated fertility industry that puts profits above the rights and interests of the donor conceived child. If you are up to it and think it would help, I have a few pieces of media to recommend.

The Man with 1000 Kids, a documentary on Netflix. Laura High, a content creator and advocate for DCP on TikTok/Instagram. Multiple books have helped me, such as Inheritance by Dani Shapiro, Uprooted, and The Lost Family.

I have not come across this particular scenario where children were conceived by accidental incest between DCP, but a lot of people have other traumas related to the industry and have explored that.

I also understand if you don’t want to research the situation - I didn’t when I first learned I was DCP by surprise. Talking to someone is important though. You will be okay. Your kids will be okay. It’s super weird and icky that this happened but it’s not your fault.

OOP: I've actually seen most of that media and read a couple books from Australian DCP. I'm lucky to have been told early that I was donor conceived. It was never a huge factor in my life until now.

golden_loner writes:

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. The fertility industry desperately needs to be regulated to give DCPs more rights to avoid this and so many other heartbreaks and difficulties. I know it might not feel like it, but it will be okay.

The most important thing is that your kids are healthy. If you haven’t already, please set them up with a therapist well versed in donor and adoption issues for when you tell them.

infinite_sparkle writes:

I kinda understand that you ended up together. I clicked with my dc siblings immediately when we got to meet in person. It was like seeing an old friend you haven’t seen in 2 decades and when you meet, it’s like you haven’t been apart.

Now if I imagine two half siblings that don’t know about each other meet and date because they just “click”, I think it’s not unrealistic at all.

I could very good imagine that in my sibling group, this is an issue as well. Doctor-donor case in a small society where only well-to-do people could afford this treatment and all presumably lied to their children.

I think it would be a miracle if no half-siblings are married. It was the first thing that came to my mind when I found out the doctor was the donor and how big our sibling group potentially is. I’m sorry you are going through this.

I hope you can get genetic counseling and I wouldn’t keep this information from your children at all. Better tell them all young and not later when they think you lied to them.

gatrtn writes:

There's "recommendations" on best practices but no laws or regulations to enforce anything. It's a huge problem. (I believe some of them recommend a best practice of limiting to 25 families, and 40 siblings could easily fit in that 25 family cap anyways)

There's also a lot of fertility fraud and other shady shit going on. I think as of last year there were only 11 states where it was illegal for the doctor to just swap out DNA and use their own sperm, even for a couple coming in for IVF and not wanting another donor.

And in many places, the paper signed waive rights to sue or are considered consent for the procedure, so there's not even anything parents can do civilly.

The fertility clinics don't care as long as they make money. They see donor conceived baby's as a product to make and sell and historically are really terrible about any level of care.

Donor conceived groups are full of people with medical issues who can't get medical histories. There's even a bunch of stories of donors who have gotten diagnosed with potentially fatal genetic diseases that cant get in touch with their biokid's or their parents to warn them.

visghy writes:

And this is why any sort of medical donor system needs to limit how often any one donor is actually used. Sure, they provide a lot, but imagine finding out you're related to a spouse because daddy needed beer money when he was younger.

Like, 5-10 matches per donor, imo. And even that feels like too much. If the donation results in a successful implantation/born child, they shouldn't be able to be available as a donor anymore. ESPECIALLY in a smaller populated area.

Update:

Thank you so much for all of the responses, support, and advice. I’ve taken some time to process, and I wanted to provide an update on where we’re at.

First, I have been in individual therapy and working through everything. It’s been incredibly helpful to have a space to just… unravel my thoughts. My husband has also told me that he’s open to couples therapy, which is a big step for us, and I’m hopeful it will help us navigate this together.

To confirm some things: yes, my father-in-law is the donor, which makes him not only my husband’s father but also mine. It’s was a lot to take in. We’re both really angry that my husband’s dad never told him the truth, and at the moment, neither of us are talking to him. It’s just too much.

We’ve also discovered about 40 other siblings so far, all of whom live nearby. That was another layer of this experience we weren’t prepared for. We haven’t met them all yet, but knowing they’re out there brings its own set of challenges and questions.

As for our marriage, no, we’re not divorcing. We love each other and are committed to working through this, but we haven’t told our children yet. We plan to get professional advice before we do. This isn’t something we want to rush into without understanding the best way to approach it for their sake.

I know many of you are part of the donor-conceived community, and I just want to say that while I’m very aware and involved in spaces like We Are Donor Conceived, and I follow creators like Laura High, DonorDylan, TheQueerMama, Rachel, StrangersLikeMeDc, Sunny, Evie Lucas, etc.,

I’m not interested in speaking to anyone publicly about our situation. I’m really proud of people like Victoria Hill for going public, but that’s not what’s best for my family right now.

Thanks again for listening, for the advice, and for your understanding. We’re taking this one day at a time.

Readers continued to weigh in:

Commenter: So very impressed with you both. This must be such hard work and my heart goes out to you. As a donor , this is my greatest fear. I was not anonymous by choice. Back in the day the fertility clinics capitalised on our naivety.