'AITA for ignoring my boyfriend when he asked me to split the check with his family?'
"AITA for ignoring my boyfriend when he asked me to split the check with his family?"
I (F42) got invited to MIL’s (mother of my boyfriend David, M44) birthday celebration. It came as a surprise since I’m under the impression that they (MIL and SILs) kind of don’t like me. I can’t say I was super pumped to go but I was glad to be included. Important: both my boyfriend and I hail from the working class.
The difference is that my parents gave me a good life once they had financial progress and his father refused to offer nice things because he said MIL was using their children for gold digging purposes.
He left MIL and remarried. They are 4 siblings. I have a good career and make a decent salary. He earns 5x less that I make but that has never been an issue, until MIL’s birthday.
First, I felt isolated during dinner and out of place. They talked a lot about family stories and private jokes and lots of manga, wrestling and bands that I don’t know about. I felt ignored since every time I could participate in the conversation, they hardly made eye contact.
Another important thing: I was talked over twice. The first time, they simply talked all among themselves and my input was lost. I didn't make too much of it.
Second time, I had to start my sentence about three times because of all the interruptions and was left to basically talk to myself as they continued their conversation by talking over me like I was a piece of shit.
Only Dave took notice and tried to make light of it. Then he went to take a picture with his siblings and stayed seated three chairs away.
I wasn’t alone on my side of the table or anything but at this point, I considered pulling my phone to scroll on it because it was like I wasn’t a part of the celebration and got a mix of bored and anxiety.
We were about 16 people, grandchildren (aged about 8 thru 22) and spouses included. They ordered several samplers, desert and drinks (specially the pricier margaritas).
I had 2 soft drinks, one margarita and my ribs and soup. When the check came, MIL immediately said we needed to split the amount, which meant 8 adults (sans MIL because it was her birthday) would have to shoulder the amount.
My tab was way under $100, but I was expected to cough up about $160 - $170. I didn’t find it fair and told Dave I preferred to 1) pay for my own or 2) only split the cost for mine, his and his daughter’s (F22) meal.
His response was less than agreeable and he basically called me a tight wad. I insisted and his face “contorted” (don’t know if this is a good term) and he low key “hush yelled” (like talking in low voice but aggressive) and told me not to act up. At this point I felt bullied and told him.
I excused myself and told the waitress (and paid a good tip on my own). She kindly helped me out and I resolved my check. I sat back down and when he found out, his face got red and everyone got silent.
On our way to our car, he said this should be the “last” time that I embarrass him in front of his family. He's also accusing me of taking a family celebration and using it to showcase my financial position knowing that his family isn't rich and it would have been nice to split the cost.
Every time he mentions this, he always makes remarks about how they are hard of cash and they made sacrifices to be there.
I haven’t replied to any of his messages ever since. He apologized but I’m no longer confident that he would not do this again. The last time we talked, I said I will not be going to any of his family functions ever again.
My friends are divided over this. Most of them support me, but some say I’ll be ruining my relationship over money. I don’t see it that way. Why would I help them save money by burning my wallet.
I'm kind of lost here because it sounds like I'm expected to most only because I'm financially independent. He's never treated me this bad, until now, so I don't know if I truly put him on the spot. AITA?
Let's take a look at some of the top responses:
Why would you pay to be treated like that? Makes no sense. You have my support OP. I bet if they weren't a^%$oles and you felt loved and appreciated as a part of the family you wouldn't have had any problems.
YogurtclosetNice6593 OP responded:
That's what I keep telling him and my friends. If they had made me feel included and I would've had a good time, I would have been glad to indulge because they would have contributed to bringing joy. I didn't need to be in every conversation, but they actively acted like a mean highschool clique. Even if I didn't understand what they were talking about, basic cordiality would have been enough for me.
available7 writes:
NTA - Splitting the check evenly is the worst thing ever. Pay for what you order and if you can't afford something, don't buy it. Also, if this is just a boyfriend, it is probably time to reevaluate the relationship and decide if this kind of aggravation is worth it.
xchell7 writes:
His family treats you like you don't exist until it's time to pay the bill. He says you embarrass him in front of his family all the time (this will be the last time you embarrass me).
It sounds like he does not support you, stick up for you or try to make you comfortable around his ahole relatives. It's up to you if you want to continue to be treated that way the rest of your relationship.
michuru9 writes:
She's not your MIL, and that's not your SIL, and he is definitely not your husband- so why is he acting like he's entitled to dictate how your money is spent Disagreements over finances is the #1 reason for divorce... the entire logic your friends have about "ruining your relationship over money" is clearly not from the same plane of existence the rest of us live in.
I make more then my husband, but in 7 years he's never acted entitled to dictate how I spend money- and he does have somewhat of a legal/contractual right to do so, but doesn't because it'd be hella disrespectful.
samys7 writes:
NTA. Dump your boyfriend. He is being completely unfair to you. I've been to birthday celebrations with family and friends alike.
While it's traditional the birthday person never pays for themselves, in larger groups, it's traditional for small groups of my friends and family to pay only for that small group. And split it amongst that group. I've never seen any of my family or friends insist whoever is making more money must shoulder a larger share of the financial burden. Because that's fundamentally unfair.
pinkgold writes:
NTA. You are not ruining you relationship over money. Dave is ruining your relationship and not just over money but also the lack of respect. I would never treat my SO like that or allow my family to sideline her in a family dinner. I would either not invite you or if I did I would make sure to include you in conversations.