Woman suspicious of BF when he won't put her name on their future house; 'Is this FINANCIAL ABUSE?!' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this woman is suspicious of her BF, she asks the internet:

"AITA for Wanting my Name on the house?"

My BF (30M) and I (31F) have been together two years. We’re going through rough patches and couples therapy trying to work on communication that hasn’t gotten better.

My BF has been focused on getting a house with his parents so we can have a house for our future. They are giving him a LOT of money to put toward a house. I have money I want to put toward the house but he told me it isn’t a lot (30k) or enough for a down payment.

I haven’t been involved in the process because his parents only speak Chinese and they have to use a Chinese realtor in my area. My BF usually gives me some type of summary of the conversations after we leave as translating in real time is too hard for him. He can’t multi-task. So I’m usually with them and have no idea what’s going on.

On top of that, he says he can’t put my name on the house because I have 20k student loan debt and it affects our approval. And because it’s a prematurely asset, he doesn’t want my name on it till we’re married, which would be soon since we’re getting engaged soon.

But the house is for us as a married couple to live in. He also said he can’t add my name to the deed after we’re married bc he would have refinance the house. He claims this is what everyone has told him and he has done is own research.

Last night, I told him I’m extremely hurt that I haven’t been involved in the process of finding us a home. He has shown me three houses but has gotten mad when he asked me if I liked it and I said things I don’t like - such as having no yard for my dog, which came before him.

This isn’t how I pictured finding a house with a future husband. I wanted to be involved. Stress about stuff together. Find things we like and don’t like. Enjoy it and have fun. But he has been the one doing it all with his parents.

I just want an equal partnership. I want a best friend who will ask me things and not get mad. I want someone who will be excited about things with me. Not someone who tells me to stop crying cuz I’m sharing my feelings and he can’t talk to me like that.

I have communicated that I might not move into the house until we’re married. So he is aware of that. But he also can’t afford the house without me. He has to sign for a house he found by Nov. 30.

Maybe I’m the one being the AS by wanting my name on the house and being an equal partner in the relationship. He just claims he is doing the logical thing for our relationship and for our future. He wants to be the one to provide for us since I (55K) make less than him (75k).

So… am I the AS? Thanks for any advice and opinions.

EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION: I live in the USA in Florida! He parents came the USA when BF was 4. They own a business but speak VERY limited English.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA - if you are putting money in then your name goes on. DO NOT give him a dime if he is not willing to put your name on the house. Honestly this is throwing off huge red flags, take your $30k pay off your student loans and find a new BF.

OOP (downvoted): I want to put money down. But him and his parents won’t let me. As of right now, I’m not giving anything but he says I have to help with the property tax if I move in. I’ll be paying only for electric, water and everything but the mortgage.

(to another commenter): A close family friend has told me that I can be on the deed without being on the mortgage. She event asked a broker as well.

But he says his parents are still saying no and he needs to protect himself since a premarital asset.

Commenter: Rightfully so [to not letting her put money down.] You aren’t married or even engaged. Mingling finances in a major joint asset is stupid.

OOP: He is going to be proposing next week on a trip. He doesn’t know I know. We already have a ring picked out and he has it in his backpack for the trip.

Commenter: [...] All in all though, with he and his parents clearly on the same page with regards to 'protecting' this asset from you, are you sure you want to settle down with him?

OOP: At this moment no. He doesn’t have a lot of empathy. He is still trying to buy a house even when I’m depressed cuz a family relative just died.

He also doesn’t seem to care about my feelings. He just keeps saying I should be grateful that he is doing this for us and his parents are giving $150k for a house.

Commenter: Not picking a side or saying "YTA" here but you did say earlier that his parents are putting down $150k and the most you could put down is 30... which is a huge discrepancy. It sounds like your relationship is fairly rocky to begin with and maybe he/his parents recognize that.

If I was giving my son $150k to buy a house with his wife/gf who couldn't hardly put up a fifth of what I am I'd probably be cautioning my child as well. I mean if the marriage falls apart are you going to want an equal share of the house in the divorce?

OOP: The 30K is my entire life savings. I’ve been saving that since highschool. His family has their own business and make good money.

Commenter: Either way, is this relationship actually giving you what you want and need?

OOP: Not really. He is unhappy as well. But he loves me.

Commenter: If he is buying it, than it’s 100% his house. If and when you get married, that is when you should be added to the house

OOP: He said he can’t add my name to the house cuz he would have to refinance. So he can’t even promise to add my name after

Commenter: Are you non Chinese? My guess is mommy and daddy are helping for two reasons... 1 they will live there too

2. They will expect him to find a nice Chinese girl. ( conditions)

OOP: Yes! I am white! He says his family has accepted us

One last comment from OOP:

He claims he can’t afford the house without me though. So he needs me to live in the house.

festsiu writes:

You're in therapy, things aren't getting better, and your communication is an issue? Why in the world do you want to marry this man?

To clarify his poor research: your name could be added to the DEED after marriage, but not the mortgage. I don't know specifically about FL, but in my area, I can tell you that if the house is considered a marital asset (which is could be, depending on a variety of factors...

even if it was purchased prior to the marriage - assuming there's no prenup), both spouses have a stake, even if only partial, in that asset (including the mortgage and any other liabilities).

Your man does not see this house as something you will share as spouses. Look at his actions. You shouldn't stay with someone who clearly doesn't see you as an equal partner. Cut your losses.

felxg writes:

Yta. Why would you be entitled to half ownership of a house you put no money towards? You aren’t even engaged. Your boyfriend is right to protect his and his parents investment.

resssaau writes:

YTA He's buying a house with his parents. Y'all aren't married. Y'all are engaged. Y'all are in a BARELY 2 year relationship that is already having issues. I wouldn't put you on the mortgage or deed either.

He's making excuses as to why he doesn't want you on the paperwork. He should be upfront. His parents are ensuing he has a home whether or not your relationship lasts. Which is why they are going into it with him and putting most of the money down.

elcaronnnn writes:

Soft YTA, not because you want your name on the house in general, but apparently because you want it for the wrong reasons, as the info that you are suppost to put money into it comes only at the end and I am not even sure if your bf sees that the same way.

You should be a co-owner of the house to the degree that you paid for it. Make every financial decision with the possibility in the back of your head that in 3 years you might be separated because one of you cheated*.

If he and his parents paid for the house, can they be expected to sign contractas that would make them see the cheating ex walk of with half of the stuff they paid for? Certainly not.

If you paid your 30k€ and some monthly rates, you cannot be expected to lose all of that and sit on the street after he cheated on you.

As long as none of you takes part time or career breaks for stuff that is in both of your interests (mostly kids), none of you have a claim to any money of the other party, now or after marriage.

So make sure that you have a pay-off plan for both of you and make sure you officially own the property to the proportion that you paid. If he and his parents pay for the house themselves, you should put aside the money you would pay towards rent. If you stay together, this will be part of your retirement plan.

If you don't, that is what you own towards your own place. You do not own market-level rent, because that would be a disadvantage towards your future husband who builds assets, but you may negociate a considerably lower rent (but keep in mind your tenent rights, then ;) ) and utilities.

agahuo writes:

The whole situation is sketchy in that bf wants him and his parents to control absolutely everything about this house buying/ownership process. OP says she wants an equal partnership.

She also says thanks for advice. So my advice is stop focusing on whether or not her name is on the deed and open her eyes to the fact that everything her bf is doing and saying is screaming he does not want an “equal partnership” and that is a much much bigger issue.

I’m telling OP she’s better off paying rent to a management company and using her savings to pay off her debt than she is to pay rent to her bf/fiancé/husband and be under his and his parents’ thumb, then when the relationship inevitability goes south she is in a worse position than she is now...

having to fight to extract whatever value there is from the house which he may or may not have had her name put on the deed. Just skip all that and find a partner who values her as an actual equal partner.

fle099 writes:

Ok... I get how you're feeling. Here's the thing, though. You're not married. You're not engaged. You've been dating for a while but it looks like even that level of relationship had been strained and difficult.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse here. You want the experience and shopping for a marital home with your partner, but that's not where you are right now. BF and his parents are entirely justified in cultivating their own assets independent of you, and are not obligated to include you in the process.

This is super harsh I realize but you're the gf, not the wife. They don't owe you anything but transparency.

I'm going ESH. Your BF and his family suck because BF is telling you this is a home for you to be married and raise children in, though you've got no ring and he is very clearly not interested in treating you as a partner here.

His parents...I can't tell if they're at fault at all because we have no way of knowing what he is telling them. But you have to bear some of the responsibility here too, I think, because you're asserting an entitlement to the process that I don't really thing you have.

I may be a bit old fashioned in this regard, I accept, but I don't understand "getting engaged soon." You're either committed to marrying, or not. If you are, you're engaged, if you're not, walk.

Personally I think if he was looking to marry you, you'd be engaged by now. This house thing... I don't know friend. You haven't gotten a ring, and you want the house to be that. It isn't. Maybe it's time to move on.

gsgaou writes:

NTA but I feel he isn't either. He is buying this home with his parents. You guys are just dating so it makes sense why he wouldn't put you on or accept your money for a down payment.

Also you said that neither of you are happy in this relationship so I'm wondering why you even want to continue with this man, never mind putting your name on a house together. I don't even know you and don't think this is a good or healthy relationship.

Take your 30g and find someone you are happy to build a life with.

kikiw writes:

NAH You are not married, you are not even engaged yet and from all your description your relationship is going south fast. He is clearly protecting his own assets. If you live then in a state that make clear division of pre matrimonial assets he is yes protecting again his own assets.

I don’t see anything wrong with it. Also yes with a 20K loan I see it hard to get a loan for a house… You also no AH cause you have a dream and expectations about your future husband and first home. But I think you may have to go somewhere else to find them.

Update 1:

Hi all! I’ve seen a lot of requests for an update! I will give more of an update in the next couples of days. I had a family member pass away and we had the funeral today.

Summary is my parents and I are working on a plan to get me out. I didn’t give him money and he is doing stuff for the house without giving me updates still. I haven’t asked any questions at all since this post and have given him nothing.

Update 2:

I do have an update finally: I did end up leaving him. I found an apartment and moved out in January. He got mad at me and kicked me out of the old place as I was still getting things out.

He manipulated me and said we could get back together. It was all a lie. He also had started seeing a girl 5 days after we broke up in December, but kept telling me he missed me and loved me during this time.

I caught him texting the girl and he was lying to her about multiple things. I tried to warn her that he was lying and still with me at the time. She understood and then she told him I reached out. He called me that day and kicked me out of the place - telling me I couldn’t go back. They are still dating.

He ended up buying the house without me and lying about it in November saying he was scared of telling me, which made matters worse. He turned off his phone location during the times he worked on the house.

Accused me of cheating for making a guy friend (he has a GF) at work. He went through my cell phone and read all the texts because he had to. That was the day we broke up. He has since turned all his friends against me calling me a liar and a cheater so I’ve removed them all.

I’m doing well and in a better and safer place since all this went down. Seeing my therapist for a couple of months and putting myself first. Plus, paying off my student loans