Woman tells 14-year-old nephew that he's adopted, 'he's a smart kid.' AITA?

"AITA (26F) for telling my nephew (14M) that he is adopted?"

Context - my brother “Billy” 41M and his wife “Chloe” 39F adopted their son “Ryan”14M when he was a newborn. I am 26F and using a throwaway. When my brother and SIL adopted Ryan they decided not to tell him that he was adopted until he was old enough to understand. It’s important to understand that Ryan is a really smart kid, he’s crazy smart.

Last Friday, we all went round to my parent’s house for dinner. This included, myself, Billy, Chloe, Ryan, my older sister “Ella” 32F and our parents. After dinner, we all kind of separated into different rooms to chill. My nephew and I are both in to Minecraft and he was showing me his new world on his iPad.

We were just chatting about the normal stuff when he asked “so why do you think my parents adopted me?” very, very casually. I was caught very off guard because my brother and SIL hadn’t mentioned anything about telling him.

I didn’t know what the heck to say and how they’d explained it to him so all I said was “This is something I’d speak to your parents about mate” verbatim. He nodded and said “yeah” and changed the subject.

Not long after, my brother and Chloe came in and said they were heading home. I didn’t want to mention it in front of Ryan so I thought I’d shoot them a message once they’re home.

When they left, I mentioned it to my parents and Ella who were also shocked that Chloe and Billy hadn’t mentioned telling him to them either so none of us were prepared to answer any questions he may have. I messaged Billy and in under 1 minute Chloe was on the phone swearing and screeching like a banshee.

It turns out that Ryan had NOT been told that he was adopted and by saying “You should speak to your parents about this." I actually did tell him and I should have said that he’s NOT adopted. I’m not sure why Ryan asked but he’s a smart kid, he must have had some kind of inkling which is why instead of asking directly, he asked my opinion on why.

That was Friday evening, Chloe went insane down the phone, I could hear Billy in the back ground saying that I was out of line and I’m not a parent so I don’t understand the gravity of what I’ve done etc. It’s now Wednesday evening and my family is still divided and not communicating properly.

My parents understand my point of view but our sister, Ella, is saying that I’m an idiot that was “manipulated by a teenager” and has called me a complete ahole for stepping on his parent’s toes. I’ve had Chloe’s family message me over the weekend calling all sorts of names. I’ve been told I’m not allowed to their anniversary party next month etc.

All this to say, it’s a complete and utter crapshow. AITA in this scenario? I understand that I should have talked to his parents before i gave him any kind of answer but it was in the moment. Does anyone have any advice on what to do now because right now it looks like they’re going no contact with me.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Clean-Professional57 said:

NTA. He was going to find out. He obviously already suspected. At least he knows there is one family member who didn’t lie to him, someone he can trust. His parents are crazy if they actually thought this could be handled without telling him.

As someone who’s seen this first hand, truth will always come out and his parents by hiding it have caused serious damage. You handled it amazingly considering the circumstances.

Edit to add. As to advice, I’d just give it time. They created this situation by trying something they really didn’t need to hide. They are probably trying to do damage control. Hopefully they come to their senses in time and apologize to their son and you. If they stay no contact maybe you can find a way to discreetly let your nephew know none of this is his fault.

TheSciFiGuy80 said:

NTA. Teens aren’t dumb, he already knew the answer and wanted confirmation. Yeah, it was a little manipulative but apparently he felt he had to do that to get the honest answer. And really, how else would anyone handle that other than straight up lying (which is WORSE IMO).

And, It just so happens that I am a parent…(like their poor excuse they threw at you over the phone) and I understand that you DO tell your kid waaaaaaay before 14 that they’re adopted. They’re in the wrong here, not you. The fact that their own child won’t start an important conversation with them speaks volumes of who he trusts.

pottersquash said:

NTA. You didn't tell him. What they wanted you to do was lie, and never did you agree to that. I would've answered same thing cause a kid suspecting they were adopted is a convo I think they need to have to wonder why they think that. You did nothing wrong, their overreaction is only thing that confirmed it.

Loud-Rhubarb-1561 said:

NTA they never planned to tell him. There is no other reason to be this upset over an honest mistake. He’s been old enough to know the truth for a few years. They don’t want to be adopted mom and dad they wanted him to not know. It’s selfish on their part.

adeelf said:

NTA. Your family is 100% in the wrong. You did not "tell" him anything, you did not volunteer anything. More importantly, you did not agree to blatantly lie to the kid and say "you're not adopted" when he obviously already knows.

The fact is - Billy and Chloe f'ed up. Big time. They delayed telling him for so long the he basically figured it out himself, and is now having to ask other people about it. I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's brought it up; I can almost guarantee he has tried to broach the subject with his parents, and they've been giving him the run-around and that's why he asked you.

LAUREL_16 said:

NTA. Kids who were adopted when they were too young to remember should grow up with that knowledge, not suddenly find out when they're older.