'AITA for telling my BIL and his wife that I don’t want to follow their birth plan?'
"AITA for telling my BIL and his wife that I don’t want to follow their birth plan?"
constellationlist
So I (34f) am a surrogate for my BIL Simon (39m) and his wife Michelle (38f). Simon and Michelle have struggled with infertility for years. They’ve tried IVF and even surrogacy before, but the person changed her mind at the last second.
They have outwardly shown their jealousy of my husband James (34m) and me for having children, especially as only one of them was planned, and our oldest was born when we were eighteen.
They came to me last year and begged me to be their surrogate. I had doubts, as did my husband, but I felt bad for them and decided to go through with it. James supported my decision and has acted like he did with my previous pregnancies, sweet and caring.
Simon and Michelle, on the other hand, are very controlling. They made up meal plans for me, and I’m taking all these supplements as well as attending multiple classes.
When I told them I knew what to do during pregnancy, they didn’t listen and said to me that just because I was pregnant four times doesn’t mean I’m an expert. I gave up trying to dissuade them as I knew nothing would work.
We started going over the birth plan earlier this week, and it caused a huge argument. They wanted me to do an unmedicated water birth, and I flat out refused. For my second pregnancy, I didn’t have enough time for any pain relief, and the pain was horrific.
I have quite a high pain tolerance, but this experience was awful, and I never wanted to do that again. (Kudos to anyone who has unmedicated births) As for the water birth, I don’t like the idea of being submerged in water with blood and other dirty fluids.
They weren’t happy about this. They said this was their baby and they should decide how they were born. I retorted and said, this is my body, and I should decide how I want to push out a human that I’m so generously carrying for them.
A lot of shouting happened, and I started to get overwhelmed very quickly. I started crying, and Michelle rolled her eyes and told me to grow up. James told her to shut up, which started Simon off, and it was just a mess.
James and I left the house, and I was crying the whole way home and regretting ever agreeing to be their surrogate. It took James and me a few days to calm down, and during those days, we didn’t have any contact with Simon or Michelle.
Simon and Michelle called James’ parents and complained to them about what happened, so they called us, and we explained our side of the story. They were shocked at what happened and said they were fully on our side and that they’d talk with Simon and Michelle.
I’m due in two weeks, and I’m so nervous. A part of me doesn’t want them there, but I know they have to be, seeing as it’s their child. James disagrees. He said that he'll have them kicked out if they do anything to upset or stress me out. Even my oldest agrees with him, and he won’t even be in the room. I sort of do feel like an AH but I don’t know. It’s a hard time right now.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA but OP why didn’t you guys have the discussion about when the baby is due? Before you said yes did you lay down any terms and conditions? I understand you wanted to help your sister out but it impacts you, your body, your mental wellbeing.
constellationlist OP responded:
To be honest I don’t know why we didn’t. I feel really stupid about not discussing everything.
Get a lawyer and do it asap!! You need to protect yourself and the baby!!!
Exotic-Army4006
Your the one going through a medical event, at the end of the day everything is your call.
Malphas43
And any stress caused to OP by bil and wife, especially while in hospital, creates a risk to both OP and the baby.
Tight-Background-252
Absolutely NTA. They do NOT need to be in the room or part of your birth plan. As soon as the baby is born and you are in recovery they can come and get their baby. I can’t believe they are acting like this.
greyhounds4life1969
"We want you to have an unmedicated birth, we know the pain will be hideous for you but that's a sacrifice we're willing to make."
Yeah, no, they don't get to make those decisions. NTA.
Elegant_Cockroach430
Info: Was any of this discussed prior to you going through ivf? Contracts? Lawyers? Any type of discussion? And no, they don't have to be there for the birth. They can and probably should wait for the "baby is here" call at their home.
constellationlist OP responded:
Unfortunately, we didn’t discuss anything like this. I realize now that we should have planned it more thoroughly, but hopefully nothing else happens, and once this baby gets here, we can put it behind us.
ivyjade42
NTA. My SIL was kind enough to be a surrogate for me and I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling her how to give birth. I’m sorry they’re being so ungrateful and rude about the huge sacrifice you’re making.