Woman tells her wife; 'I can't focus when you speak, I have ADHD & Bipolar.' AITA?
When this woman is annoyed with her wife, she asks the internet:
'AITA for not being able to focus during wife's stories bc of having ADHD+Bipolar?'
Pronouns are she/her, we are a same-se% couple (since I've gotten messages assuming I'm a misogynistic male )
My wife always gets mad when I do other small things while she's telling me a story. For example, looking at plants, checking what day it is, looking for a coffee cup, getting distracted by noises, etc.
For example, this morning she was telling me a random story about how her walk with the dog went and while I was listening and heard her, I got distracted by noises and picked up my coffee cup and multitasked.
She told me she didn't feel heard and I hurt her, and that this happens all the time. When I tell her Im listening and can recite back what she says, she says 'yes but you didn't HEAR me.'
When I say she hurts me when she says those things because I can't control my attention span, she says it's an excuse and that she's seen me fully engaged in other conversations before.
Am I the AH????? Should I be trying harder? When I try harder I focus too much in trying to focus and don't hear what she says anyway. I don't want to hurt my wife, but it hurts that I've always been this way and she still gets mad about something I can't really control.
Let's see what readers thought:
aradi writes:
YTA. I also have ADHD, there is a big difference between your hands or eyes fiddling vs you going on about your business.
stockflu writes:
OP has stated that they have ADHD. When you have ADHD, you cannot choose what you focus on, it is literally an attention deficit.
We don't get to choose what we pay attention to, and even with medication, it's a craps shoot on if the medication will even work. OP is NTA for something that they actually can't control.
athgunbite
YTA. OP, you need to make the effort. Come on. I know it's hard, but you need to learn how to not disconnect when your partner needs you to be connected.
Involve her in the process, ask for feedback, discuss you taking small breaks during talking, learn to 'sit on your hands' if you need to (I sometimes actually need to do that).
You making an effort and involving your partner in it (while you still accepting it's your responsibility) will make it possible for her to accept that SOMETIMES you actually need to fidget.
wgh writes:
NTA. Man, people here have no freaking idea what ADHD is. I do the same. I'm usually a good listener, but sometimes I get distracted too much. My sister is telling me a story and I look at shiny little thing nearby and all my thoughts get out the window.
What works would be probably apologising and asking her to tell you again and this time try to get distraction at bay (since now you know you've been actively distracted you may try to control it more).
I feel really bad when I'm distracted and it's hard to explain other person that it's a part of the condition and it hurts me when they have no idea how hard it is to control ADHD, BUT I always apologise.
I see a problem in your wife's view too though. As far as I can understand she is angry and saying: "it's an excuse and that she's seen me fully engaged in other conversations before" is bullshit. It would be good for her to read up about the condition.
ADHD is an attention deficit, but it doesn't mean we're folks with 0% attention and 100% distraction all the time or that we're "faking it" because we've been "focused once". We can still be focused and fully engaged in the conversations and sometimes we can't.
Even with meds some days will be worst than others. It would be good for you both to discuss this disorder is actually in a brain structure so sometimes no matter how hard you try, nothing will work. Also, you can't just "try harder" as neurotypicals do. You can't MAKE your brain to try harder since you won't just change your brain out of your own will.
People in the comments obviously have no clue what is a difference between other mental illnesses and neurodevelopmental disorders. It works totally differently than PTSD or depression. I'm saying this as a person with ADHD and bipolar also. You can attend a theraphy with focus on ADHD especially and try meds.
But your wife should also understand that getting mad everytime you do that, will only hurt you and probably make your ADHD WORST since after her being mad your focus would automatically be shifted to her being mad and then you won't be able to fully listen.
We, ADHD folks struggle also with emotional dysregulation so when you get hurt your focus goes into that hurt and then you can't focus on anything else than these feelings. It would be good then to step back, wait a minute or too when you and your wife will be both less frustrated and try again.
Also, everyone are different so comment like "I have ADHD too and I don't do that" can go read up about their own condition. You may have more inattentive side than impulsive/hyperactive or a mix.
Everyone struggle with different things in this condition and what I struggle with may not be what other person struggle with the most. Good luck, but also don't beat yourself up about it if you fail.