Woman tells husband; 'Your parents are NOT allowed to open presents with our kids on Christmas morning.' AITA?

'AITAH for not allowing in-laws to be present on Xmas morning while our kids open gifts?'

Me (28F) and my husband (27M) disagree on how we should handle Christmas mornings. For perspective, I am an only child. Christmas morning was always done at home with my parents, and after opening gifts, we’d head over to my grandparents to celebrate with them. They all still live local.

My husband is the middle of 3, and they often had family that lived out of state. So Christmas morning was sometimes at their home, sometimes at a grandparent’s out of state, etc. we alternate our holidays between Xmas and Thanksgiving with our families.

Before having kids, we’d stay with them for a week or long weekend over Christmas. After having kids, I want to be home for Christmas morning, and then spend the rest of the day with my family or his family depending on year.

Our kids are still young, (2,1) but it is still such a special moment for me and I want it to be sacred and intimate amongst the four of us. We only get so many years of little kids on Christmas morning and I want to soak up every single moment.

His parents live 3 hours away and are having his siblings come the 22nd-30th. No one else has kids yet. I told my husband that we should have our kids open up presents on Xmas morning, and then make the drive to their place shortly after.

He is calling me selfish and inconsiderate of his parents’ feelings because it would mean the world to them to watch the grandkids open presents from Santa. His mom has made comments in the past how Santa would always travel for them wherever they went (being passive aggressive towards my feelings on it).

We had the same argument last year. I told my husband that they had their turn with their own kids, and this is now about us and our children. I still want to see and celebrate with his family, but only after we have Christmas just the 4 of us on that morning. Am I being unreasonable?

TLDR; husband thinks we shouldnt exclude his family from watching the kids open presents on Xmas morning, and I want that moment to be intimate to the four of us only, then head to his family after.

Let's see what readers thought:

founda writes:

NAH; you (an only child) and your husband (middle of three) were reared differently and have come to think of XMas in different ways. To you, it's about traditions within a small, tightly nit nuclear family; to him, it's about a celebrating within a widespread clan of immediate family.

Quite honestly, where and when XMas gifts get opened is not a sword worth falling upon, especially for one and two year olds who have no clear idea about the commotion that is going on around them.

My personal solution would be to open gifts at the home of the gift-giver(s). This would give the grandparents the joy of watching their grandchildren open up at least some gifts. Where it should be spent should depend on who is hosting dinner and/or who has the best TV for watching football games (just kidding!).

In my family, we opened gifts up at midnight, had hot chocolate and cookies, and then went to sleep. That freed XMas day for us kids to play and to visit friends and neighbors.

vaaaape writes:

NAH. I will tell you though that you're closer than your husband, because you need to reframe his position to really get a good sense of it. This is not your desired tradition against your in-laws, but your husband's.

You need to get your head around that. Your mother-in-law did not "have her turn"... your husband should have his, or at least, when you're discussing it, it should not be dismissed as something that was just what they did, while yours is held up as a standard.

You were lucky that your family were local. My grandparents were another province, and there were a few years there where, if we wanted to see them at Christmas, it meant we spent Christmas morning there.

Your kids won't know the difference between one and the other unless you make a big deal out of it as the grow. You say that Christmas morning at home is such a special moment (to you) but your husband feels like having family there with you is the more special moment.

The reason this is no-A-hole-here is that you and your husband have the same problem, where you are both resistant to change. As a former Christmas-at-grandparents kid, the one point I need YOU to consider OP is whether waking up at your own home actually leaves you time to see his family.

This was always the issue for mine. If we held to waking up at our own on Christmas morning, it was absolutely guaranteed that we could not see the grandparents that day.

You, more specifically your husband, have a similar issue. Doing Christmas morning at your house, doing the whole big thing, and then going to his parents means his family won't really see the kids Christmas Day.

Your family are nearby, you could do the morning and pop over for lunch, but for his family, if you restrict the morning to your home only, and then drive up, you arrive supper-time-ish, and your kids are hopefully asleep by 7pm.

There are compromises here. You need to finish Christmas morning and be on the road for 10am, for instance, to ensure that you get adequate time with his family. You do Christmas Eve with his family, and make the late night drive home to be at yours for the morning. But the idea of always and forever blocking his family from most of Christmas Day because you think it's extra special is leaning hard towards A-holery.

faotatu writes:

A few years ago; I'd say YTA. However, I'd say as a family, it's important for you and your little family, to have little traditions of your own.

We always had Christmas Dinner at our in-laws, along with my Husband's brother and his family, later we'd visit my parents. We'd get home and be exhausted. Then covid hit. I had to cook dinner for the first time - we got up (rather, our son woke us up,) we opened gifts, Hubby and I each had a nap shift.

I cracked on and made dinner. We stayed at home all day - and that day was absolutely perfect. We don't mind family visiting, even staying for dinner; but our tradition is - we stay at home and enjoy our day.

I understand your husband's feelings, but Christmas morning at home is special, it's intimate, it's warm, it's love in a room. Even better if you're all in your PJ's - it won't be long before they figure out what Christmas is - and start getting you up at 4am - who wants kids to have to wait to open their Pressies?

flowaaaa writes:

YTA - you are both wanting to replicate the way you grew up and you're trying to make him into the villain because his way doesn't align with your way. You both want something different, it's time for you two to find a middle ground.

Neither of you are wrong, I am judging you as the AH because of your complete unwillingness to compromise or even consider what your husband wants to do. It's just as much about him and what he wants as it is about you and what you want.

Yes, his parents had their years of being parents, and some of those were spent with extended family. Just like your parents had their years of being parents and chose to do everything focused on you.

Neither of you are wrong here, but you need to consider that both ways are okay. Growing up, my parents would have Christmas just for us if we were home for the holidays. But once every few years we'd go visit my grandparents and we'd have Christmas there.

And yes, Santa did visit us wherever we were. Your MIL is not necessarily being passive-aggressive, she's reminding you that you can do Santa even if you're not at home. You will still be able to "soak up ever single moment" even if it's not "sacred and intimate".

And consider, everyone will be there starting on the 22nd. That's 3 days of celebrating that you're missing out on because you refuse to leave until Christmas day. Which is fine, just saying you're choosing to skip a lot.

My recommendation here is that you alternate years. One year do the big crazy with his parents and everyone can see the miracle of Santa, one year you do family Christmas with your parents, and one year you stay home and do the small and intimate thing. Because I promise you, your parents would love to see their grandkids open presents from Santa too.

vison87 writes:

NTA. It's asinine to pack your car full of presents and drive them 3 hours away just to have to bring them back with you.

You're already going to be bringing gifts with you for his family and bringing more back with you, and there is Jo reason to add to it. If his family is so intent on seeing your kids open the presents, they can watch over Zoom, or you can record it for them.