Woman tells SIL she will always be 'second best' to her brother's first wife.
Being a single parent is hard. Splitting the responsibilities of a child makes it manageable doing it alone is incredibly difficult. Remarrying is always an option, but it could be challenging for children to accept a new parent. One family goes through this dilemma on a popular Reddit thread in the Am I the A**hole Subreddit.
OP writes:
My brother was married to my best friend Elle for a decade. They had two children together—Milo, who is eight, and Piper, who is 7. Elle was diagnosed with cancer three years ago and died almost a year later. The kids were 5 and 6 years old.
My brother met Dani after a few months and began dating her soon. He and Elle's family had a big falling out because he told them he was hoping Dani would take their mom's place and that they would embrace her as their new mom, and he wanted Elle's family to take a backseat so that could happen.
They asked how he could erase Elle, and he told them she was dead, and he and the kids weren't, and he didn't want them holding a candle for a deceased mother the rest of their lives while they could have a living one. When they told him they loved the kids too much to disappear, he told them he could maybe arrange a phone call every Christmas.
They decided to take him to court and were granted grandparents' visitation as the judge saw it in the kids' best interest so they would maintain a relationship they already had with their deceased mother's family. My brother and I also had a strained relationship because he also tried to get me to erase Elle.
Onto Dani. She and my brother married a few months ago and hated Elle's family. She accused them of caring more about themselves and Elle than the kids because they denied them a whole family.
She visibly shows annoyance when the kids mention Elle. She blamed me when the kids told her they wouldn't call her mom (she and my brother asked if they would, and the kids weren't interested). She was also unhappy they spent Mother's Day with Elle's family and not her and even told the kids.
Not too long ago, she confronted me and said my contact with Elle's family sends the kids the wrong message and that I have a favorite SIL, which isn't fair. I told her Elle had been my best friend since we were four. Her family and I are close, and of course, we remained close when she married my brother. Dani told me I needed to stop seeing them or else.
She told me she is tired of being second best and not being chosen by the kids. She said they don't even try to let her in. We argued, and I told her that being jealous and controlling would always make her second best unless she learned to embrace that she did come after Elle in our lives.
She lost it, and my brother told me my loyalty should be with him and Dani over Elle's family. He also told me I was insensitive to Dani. AITA?
Suspicious_Lemon9960 says:
NTA (Not the A**hole). It's giving 'I have moved on and the fact that my kids won't also totally erase dead wife from their lives is pretty f*cking inconvenient for me tbh' Like who the actual f*ck says things like he wants the new girlfriend to REPLACE their mother, he doesn't want the dead wive's family to see the kids, and he doesn't want his kids 'Holding a candle for a dead mother when they could have a living one.' Disgusting.
According_Fox_2460 says:
NTA the judge is at least seeing clearly. It's absolutely horrible what they are trying to do. I would just try to continue to support your nieces. Are your parents around? Could they maybe talk to your brother?
Key-Raise9268 says:
NTA. Your brother and Dani are the AH it is horrible that the children have lost their mother, but it is even worse that they try to erase her; that is not healthy for them. It should be considered psychological abuse to make them give up the memory of their mother like that and love a stranger because that is what Dani is, plus she seems like the evil stepmother forcing them to love her. She would do better if she tried to be more like a friend or an aunt. By the way, by Dani's behavior, if she gets to have her children, it will be the end for your nieces and nephews.