Woman tells sister, 'step one foot inside my nephew's wedding, I'll drag you out myself.' AITA?
"Told my sister if she sets one foot inside my nephew's wedding, I'll drag her out of it myself. Family thinks I'm the ahole."
CW: assault, alcoholism
I’m 47F. My nephew Joey (21) is getting married in two weeks and his mother Judy (45) is trying to come, but I’ve adamantly told her not to because of how much sh%t she’s put him through in recent years.
When Joey was 18 he was in a car crash with his father. His father died a few days later and Joey was also hurt but obviously survived. I know all of this was triggered by my sister’s grief and I am trying to be mindful of that.
First, she purposely missed his high school graduation because she couldn’t imagine being there without his father. Joey was understanding and thankfully me and his girlfriend (now fiancée’s) family were there for him. Judy insisted on still hosting a graduation party a week or so later. I wasn’t able to get there until towards the end.
When I got there, most of the guests had left and Judy was a drunken mess and was wailing about her husband’s death. I told Joey to pack a bag and to come to my house for the weekend which he did. Judy swore she would do better and begged him to come back home which again, he did.
A couple months went by and Joey asked if I could drive him to work because his car had been totaled. He looked terrible when I got him so I asked him what was up. He said he what been working 70 hours a week because Judy had gotten laid off. I asked him how his car got totaled and he said Judy had crashed it driving intoxicated.
At that point our mom and I sat down with her to try to get her into some sort of treatment or counseling and she agreed, but we later learned she never went. I take partial responsibility for not following up.
Some months later Joey called me again this time for a ride to the courthouse to get Judy out of jail. All he said was she had gotten drunk and got herself arrested. But when I picked him up he had fresh cuts on his arm and jawline. Turns out she assaulted him when he refused to get her more to drink.
I begged him to come stay with me, but Judy insisted she would get help if he would stay and help her, which he did. I would call and talk to Joey once or twice a week to make sure he and Judy were safe. She didn’t go into treatment, but he said things had calmed down.
After a few months he stopped responding to calls and only sent short text responses. Some time later those stopped too. Throughout all of this he has been supported by his fiancée. I started getting my updates on Joey’s well-being through her occasional social media posts.
They got engaged and her family is paying for the small, intimate wedding and reception they’ve chosen to have. As far as I knew things were better. He seemed happy in her posts.
I was blindsided about two weeks ago when Joey’s fiancée called me. She said Joey needed my help and asked if she could drive him over to my house. When they got there he was shaking, hyperventilating, and threw up multiple times.
When he finally calmed down he said his mother had gone into a drunken rage some weeks ago and started trying to rip and burn everything left of her husband’s.
When Joey stopped her, she started wrecking his stuff. All the while she was screaming that she wanted her husband back and wished Joey had died instead, she was blaming him for the crash, the whole nine yards.
Joey said this has been going on for months and the night prior to his girlfriend bringing him to me, he came home and found that she had burned all of his father’s pictures, old clothes, everything.
I went to confront Judy. She agreed once again to enter treatment and this time she followed through. Joey has been staying with me since. Every time I ask about the wedding or his girlfriend goes over plans with him he turns pale and miserable. I asked him what was up with that.
He wouldn’t really answer, but I asked if it was because his mom. I asked if he wanted her off the guest list. He didn’t have it in him to flat out say yes, but the look on his face said it all. Judy called him earlier today gushing about how excited she is for the wedding and that she’s picked out her dress and wants a mother-groom dance. Joey told her not to come.
She went all weepy and started begging. At that point I asked him to give me the phone and I flat out told her that if she sets foot in that wedding I will personally drag her out of it. This has caused a stir in our family.
Our other siblings think I have influenced Joey and I should convince him to let her come if she promises to behave. I told them all that since they’ve helped him very little and don’t know his side of things then they can kiss my a$s. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
OK_LK said:
NTA. Judy has proven time and time again, at every given opportunity, that she can't control her behaviour and turns every occasion into a self-inflicted pity party, making the events all about her instead of celebrating Joey.
Joey had to go through these milestones without his dad and with a mom who is too wrapped up in her misery to care for him.
Joey is lucky to have you and his fiance in his life.his mother should be ashamed of herself, as should all the family members who think he should ignore her past track record and invite her to the wedding, because "family." Joey deserves a happy wedding. Thank you for helping him and his fiance.
Independent_Ear_7476 said:
NTA. His wedding, you are following his wishes and sounds like she’s got a ways to go before she gets to just celebrate the good things in his life again. Much love to y’all.
Alarming_Paper_8357 said:
NTA. Man, I wish I had an aunt like you! You have Joey's best interests at heart, and see clearly what Judy's depression and alcoholism has cost her poor son. She has had opportunity after opportunity to get herself clean before now, but refused, and made his life a living hell.
You stepped up and supported him emotionally and physically when needed, stepped back when he didn't seem to need the support, but then came out guns a'blazing when your own sister raged out on him. Joey and his fiancee' should be able to enjoy their wedding in peace, not spend the entire day watching his mother and wondering how and when she is going to careen out of control.
Sorry, Judy doesn't get to play the Mom Card now after all the physical and emotional abuse she has heaped on that poor kid. Let her sit at home in her new dress, because I'm with you -- she doesn't deserve to get within a mile of that wedding. And if any of your family says otherwise, tell 'em "BITE ME -- where were you when I was dealing with this shitshow for the last three years?"
Sea_Firefighter_4598 said:
NTA. Just send your siblings this post, that should be all they need to know. What kind of person wishes their child dead and then wants a wedding dance? She lost her husband and now she lost her son.
Fire_or_water_kai said:
NTA. I'm glad your nephew has you in his corner. I have a feeling that the abuse goes even deeper than you know because he hasn't shared it all. Your nephew deserves a day without drama. It's already going to hurt that his dad isn't there, and I can only imagine the scene his mother is going to cause.
Truthfully, I think he's been hurt enough, and he needs your support to help him through it. Your sister needs to hit rock bottom in order to hopefully start some sort of healing and treatment to make amends for the havoc she caused. Her grief so deep she doesn't realize that her son lost both his parents that day, but one is an abusive ghost. Please stand guard for your nephew and help him heal.
SnooWords4839 said:
NTA - Her actions have caused this. Joey needs to be supported, Your sister has done some horrible things to Joey, he needs a day to be just his and not his drunk mom's.