Woman turns on husband; 'I don't think I want children anymore. What if you LEAVE me?' AITA?

"AITA for changing my mind about wanting children?"

My husband and I have been discussing having kids. He says he 100% wants to have children. I like children and love babies, but I've been on the fence about having my own. Children are a huge responsibility, and i'm pretty focused on my career which is finally starting to take off.

Husband says he's happy to stay home with the children until they're school age, then he'll go back to work.

However he's not got a lot of experience with children. No siblings, no close cousins, no friends with kids. At first i was worried that he was romanticising the idea of being a stay at home dad, and then when the day to day of nappies and spit up and tantrums kicked in he'd get a rude reality check.

A few weeks ago we were talking about children again. I told him being a single mother scares me, and asked him what would happen to the kids if we split up? (He's not from the country we live in, I am).

He was really understanding of my fears, and said he gets why I'd be worried - he'd move back to his country of origin and he'd probably only be able to afford to visit the children maybe once a year if we weren't together.

To be honest this made things much clearer for me. The idea of being a single mum to children whose dad sees them once a year at best isn't what I'm going for. I told him that since I'm so against that idea, I'd really rather we didn't have children at all. He's been pretty upset about it.

Let's look at some top comments and responses from OP:

vouahj writes:

YTA-from his perspective. You're focused on the thought that you'll split up.. you should assume that no matter what your marriage will last because that's what you go for in a marriage.

It would really upset me if my spouse didn't want to have children simply because of the idea that I would leave after having kids. It would make me feel like there wasn't alot of love in the first place. NTA for deciding you don't want kids for a very valid reason.

myoretty writes:

NTA - people will blame women in every situation when it comes to kids. Didn’t talk to the guy before kids what would happen with the kids in case of a divorce? Your fault.

Did talk to the guy in case of divorce? Your fault. Did you have kids? Your fault- the earth is overpopulated. Didn’t have kids? Wow, how selfish, it meant a lot to your husband.

Kids are a MASSIVE LIFE CHANGING PERMANENT responsibility. It’s especially taxing for the mother. If you’re not 100% sure you want them- DO NOT HAVE THEM. And I say this as a mom of two.

I’ve also seen COUNTLESS stories where the husband, husband’s/wife’s families convince the women that they’ll do a lot if not, most of the work for the kids. Of course that never, ever happens.

Mothers take the hit on their bodies, careers and as your husband slipped up, he’ll abandon you in case of divorce to raise them alone by seeing his kids once a year. He’s an asshole for so flippantly abandoning his kids. Seeing your kids once a year makes you a deadbeat. He doesn’t even aspire to being a better dad in thought- forget practice.

mimiu writes:

YTA. I say that as I understand where you are coming from, but you are taking on a pessimistic point of view as though eventually divorcing is a given here. And I would say that if you two are having issues that makes that more likely, having children together is a bad idea.

But if things are good between you two and having children is important to him and what you had agreed to when you got married, understand that he would not be the asshole if he chose to move on and find someone with the same interest in having children as him rather than resigning himself to being childless.

OP replies:

Thanks, this perspective is really helpful. I was more looking at it like - if I dont want to be a mum without him then maybe I dont want to be a mum badly enough. But i get that it comes across as hella pessimistic. (Things are good between us btw, he's pretty much perfect for me).

creamatowry writes:

ESH. YTA for changing your mind after already marrying this guy you knew 100% wanted kids. If you were on the fence you guys should have resolved this before committing.

But he’s TA for saying he’s going to move away from those kids and only see them 1x a year if you split up. That’s not fair to his hypothetical future kids and not good parenting. If he’s married to you, he’s obviously able to get a green card so it’s not like he’s going to be forced back to his home country.

kikakat writes:

YTA, I’m not judging you for not wanting kids doesn’t really make sense and is just pessimistic. 1. People do not need to be freakin nannies before having children (there are teachers and siblings who become terrible parents because they constantly view their families as another job) 2.

You’re focusing entirely on a hypothetical break up. That can come off pretty insulting to someone in a committed relationship and honestly his answer doesn’t hold much weight. There are no kids there is no custody battle. 3.and this is the biggest reason.

You’re making all the reasons about him. You don’t want kids and want to focus on your career, just say that. There’s nothing wrong with that but don’t make him the problem.It comes off judgmental “well you don’t have X amount of hours of child rearing and don’t meet my demands so tough.”

OP replies:

No, we've been together 7 years, married for two. We had two years of long distance in the beginning and have gone through some really difficult stuff together. You might be right about the paranoia - it might be related to family issues (lots of really acrimonious divorces), and to my job (therapist who works a lot with families).

falaguu writes:

Ignoring this whole divorce issue, are you still okay with having kids? Just because he stays at home doesn't mean you won't have the same responsibilities. You won't get mommy tracked which is a great plus.

But you will be helping with night wake ups, your sleep will still get interrupted, your free time will still be limited, money might be tight, you will still have to go through the pregnancy.

This is the same situation with SAHMs . You will both be working during the day so nights/weekends childcare will still have to be evenly split between the two of you.

I have a kid and love it. But you don't seem as interested. Which is fine but you might not be compatible