Woman uncovers husband's secret credit card debt; 'He's in trouble. Is this financial abuse?!' UPDATED 2X

"I just found my husband has secret credit card debt."

Last week I went to the grocery store to buy some stuff for dinner and my card was rejected. It was like $4.50 so I had no idea why it would be declined. I checked the balance and it was over drafted by like $800 dollars.

I asked my husband what the f and he said “oh something must have cleared early. I transferred 2k from our emergency savings and went about my day. But then it really started gnawing at me.

We make more than enough to be able to cover all our payments. There should be no reason why we should be in the negative.

So I started to go through all the transactions and noticed a bunch of payments to different credit card companies. At the very bottom of the statement it had a snapshot of his credit report and there was all these open accounts.

They totaled about $45,000 dollars! I was livid at that point and confronted my husband with the statement and demanded to know what the f was going on?! What was he hiding from me? He swore it was nothing bad just a lot of over spending.

I told him I didn’t believe him and needed access to all his stuff. All of it. Accounts. Phone. Tablet. When I went through all the credit card statements it was a bunch of mundane shit. Restaurants. Gifts. Trips.

But there’s two loans for 10K that are just…gone. Like he removed the cash and i don’t know where it went. At this point he’s been lying to me for so long that i don’t trust him!

I told him I was done! There is not coming back from this . I went to talk to a lawyer and kinda explained what was going on. I wanted to see how screwed I was.

He said that he would have to itemize every purchase to decide what was for us vs him. Otherwise I’m on the hook for half of it. As for the houses we would either have to sell them and split whatever debt/profit or one buy out the other.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking about it for days. I haven’t told anyone. I know my mom would definitely not be supportive. She would find a way to blame me. “You should have helped him more, men aren’t good with money” I can almost hear it.

The kids know something is up since my husband has been sleeping on the couch all week. He keeps trying to explain, but I just don’t believe a word he says. I just want to throw a toaster at his head. I want to calm down and make a rational decision, but that takes time and patience. I not good at either.

Sigh…I need a drink.

When I would hear women say “men are bad” I would think, “no, I have a good guy”. I feel so stupid, for being so trusting. I don’t pay attention for 5 minutes and he screws me over. I look at my son and think “Is HE gonna screw some poor girl over too? How do I stop it?”

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

erikaflam:My husband did this to me, he stopped paying the mortgage for 1 year and he owed the IRS over $60,000 because he didn’t pay. He took care of the finances and I trusted I had married an adult that wouldn’t do that or would communicate with me if there was a problem.

I was wrong. What I learned is that, whatever the reason (3 years later and thousands in lawyers I still don’t know where that money went), he chose to lie. He knew we were going to end up homeless and he kept doing it until I found out. He now wants me to pay for half of that debt.

A man that lies of things like that is not only being abusive, he already doesn’t care about you and he is already causing you damage, he won’t care about causing more and probably will do it just to not face consequences. Document everything, get a lawyer, Leave now and sue for fraud against the marriage estate. This won’t get better

OOP: I feel so guilty and dumb for trusting him fully. I’m a nurse and during Covid I was working crazy hours and was burnt out and exhausted all the time. I let him take over all the finances thinking I too had married an adult, and if something was wrong he would tell me. I admit, I got comfortable.

Now that things have slowed down and I’m back to working locally and only 36 hours I started paying more attention. I find this! Thank you. I think I really needed to hear this.

SageWolf1999: It probably went to gambling. Maybe drugs.

OOP: JFC, now I have to make an appointment with my gyno. I didn’t even think about that. I wanna bawl into my hands.

INotcryingyouare: It probably isn't hookers. But get those tests, because you would know if he was taking trips. Does he go on business trips? Who is getting the gifts? If he isn't taking you and not giving you the gifts, someone else probably is. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but now you need to figure out what's what.

OOP: I can verify most of it. There’s some stuff I don’t recognize like concert tickets we never went to. When I asked him he said he bought them to resell them and make a profit. He has an innocent answer to everything!

When I ask him to show me who he sold them to, he says they paid him cash. It’s just lies after lies, after lies, but just plausible enough to make me look crazy.

founchan writes:

If you say you found he spent a lot on restaurants, trips and gifts, did you ever go to these restaurants with him? Receive any of the gifts, or go on any of the trips??

Coz I'm pretty sure you didn't, and so it's likely he's been having an affair with another woman, taking her to nice restaurants, buying her the gifts, and taking her on trips and probably told you he had a work trip!.

He's probably been spending all this money trying to impress this other woman. Maybe he has another apartment somewhere and that's also where thes 2 x 10k loans came from. To pay for several months rent and furnishings of a secret apartment for this other woman.

Seriously, you need to get him to sign to say all this debt is his and you are not responsible for any of it. Then file for divorce. Kick him out the house.

Any joint accounts, take your half out immediately. Change any passwords one your online banking, request new bank cards so he can't spend money online on your bank cards, as often bank card details are saved on your phone or tablet and on different apps like amazon, tesco groceries, Esty and other online shops etc.

So make sure he has no ability to spend on your bank cards by getting new bank cards and changing your passwords.

Not only is this likely to be him cheating on you, but he's also financially abused you by putting you at financial risk as a married couple. So make sure he signs something to say all that debt is solely his and you're not responsible for any of it. Lock your credit too. And get him out the house.

And if the kids want to know why, tell them the truth. There's no point lying, or risking them thinking you're the bad guy for leaving their dad or throwing him out. They need to know it's all on him, and that you don't cheat or spend all the money and put your family in financial risk and lie in a marriage etc.

You can still tell them that this is an adult matter and is just between the two of you, and it doesn't change how much he loves his kids, and they can still love him as their father and you don't expect them to not see him etc, but they need to know the truth as they are old enough to u derstand it, and you shouldn't take any of the blame here.

But this marriage is over so personally I don't know why you're dealing with couples counselling. But if it helps you sort out the separation and divorce then great, but don't waste money on a dead relationship.

Update:

I just found my husband has 45K dollars in secret credit card debt. Edit: I don’t know if anyone wants an update, but here it goes.He has agreed to sign a post nup. It will be more legally agreeable for me at this point.

He has agreed to take responsibility for the entire amount of debt. I don’t really care what it was on. It’s not just about the money, it’s the constant lying. He still won’t/can’t be totally clear with where it all went.

3. We went to our first marriage counseling session last week. I went okay, I guess. I really don’t see how you unring this bell. Right now all I want to do is leave, but that’s not a legally smart thing to do.

I quickly found out how easy it is to look like the “crazy one” when the other person is really good at lying. It’s really hard to keep calm when all you want to do is explode.

4. I’m going to get my ducks in a row and then file for divorce. My two oldest kids will be in college next year and our youngest is 16. I still think I’ll look like the “bad guy”.

5. I’m doing okay. I keep cycling through feeling angry, sad, stupid and heartbroken. 20 years of marriage, dead.

Your point # 3 about making you look like the crazy one. He’s a sociopath or something.

Also, the fact that he can’t tell you what he spent the money on, very telling. I mean, it can’t be anything acceptable, it’s gotta be a vice. Maybe even lying is the vice he’s getting off on.

Update 2:

OOP: I’ll tell you about it. I was looking for my car title in the safe, where we keep important paperwork. I emptied that thing out, couldn’t find it. I asked him about it and the next day it magically appeared. He said I probably didn’t look hard enough. I admit, I lost it. “ why are you still lying!? Why are you still doing this BS dance?!” Guess who looked crazy screaming at her innocent looking husband? So now all our paperwork is in a safe deposit box.

Readers continued to ask questions:

Wise_Entertainer_970: What were the loans for?

OOP:They were deposited into our checking account and then taken out as cash. When asked for clarification, he swears we spent that cash on vacations, as spending money.

Sure we would carry around cash for tips or street vendors but most of our vacation spendings are documented on our bank statements. So once again, not lying but also not telling the whole truth.

OOP When asked if info is missing/or if she is throwing everything away: Me? I destroyed the love and trust I gave my husband for 20 years? That’s some wild take there buddy. But out of curiosity what do you think I left out? Im on here anonymously , so ask away. Maybe this will serve someone else.

He was lying by omission. He still can’t fully explain all the charges. Gives vague explanations. No one is “taking the children”. Two are adults, and one is 16, capable of deciding.

I agree. None of this is normal. I have been listening and listening and still only l getting half truths. If he’s sick he’s still not sharing what exactly is his ailment. He had many chances to be honest with me.

No, he ruined this. I listened and waited for a logical explanation and got more lies and half truths.