Woman wants to ask BIL and his wife to return $6,500 gift, 'she no longer feels comfortable around me.' AITA?

"WIBTA for asking my future brother-in-law and his wife to return an expensive gift I gave them after they limit contact with me?"

I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).

About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation.

Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid all meant kindly, never with any expectations. But now things have shifted.

Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs.

She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don't text them unless they text first) and “slow down." This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way.

One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit. We've never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she "might not actually exist;" a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”).

Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate. Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance.

Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.

To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.

Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back...

Or even just bringing it up…might make that more complicated. So…WIBTA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Danger_Muffin28 said:

If the car was indeed meant as a “genuine gift," then no you shouldn’t ask for it back. As you said, it was given during better times in the relationship. Now the dynamic of the relationship has changed per their request. So it would be appropriate to just do a NO GIFTS policy with them going forward.

I also think that it’s probably best to leave things where they lie and not ask for further clarification so this doesn’t breakdown any further before your wedding. Give it some time and see if a discussion between all of you can happen at a later time.

Youwhooo60 said:

To ask for the car back, you would be TA. It was a gift you gave w/pure intentions. Claire is the one with the problem, not you. For Claire say she's uncomfortable receiving gifts is a bunch of BS. If she's so uncomfortable, then she can say, "No thank you."

Don't give them another damn thing. And scale back on what you give their children. And even if they change their tune about being uncomfortable, say, "Oh great! I'm glad your comfortable!" But cut that gravy train completely off. Sheesh. Some people!

secretlywicker said:

YWBTA. You gave them a gift out of love. Just stop giving gifts. It hurts when people provide boundaries that feel unfair, but she expressed discomfort. I've been in her shoes and it's hard to look at gift horse in the mouth, but even harder to tell someone it feels very uncomfortable and guilt inducing to always accept gifts you can never return in kind.

Give her some space. She may just be uncomfortable and not have the right words to navigate it; it sounds like she just feels guilty that she's getting so much she didn't ask for and feels love bombed.

We live in a culture where it can be hard to tell what is love bombing and what is just a person doing something kind; the world is less trusting and more transaction-based than ever.

CrimsonKnight_004 said:

YTA - It might be time for you to do some self-reflection. Yes, you sound like a generous person, but ask where that comes from. Is it more to fulfill your own emotional needs? A savior complex? Or just genuinely having gift-giving as your love language?

Try to see how constant gifts, especially expensive ones, can feel overwhelming and smothering. She’s clearly communicated this to you now, so it’s time for you to take a step back and try to analyze how exactly you’re coming off with this.

Also, that car is theirs! Using it to emotionally guilt trip them would be an AH move, and you can’t ask them to give it back because it’s theirs. It is no longer yours, you have no more right asking them to give that car back than you would asking a random Tom, Dick, or Harry off the street to give you their car. It’s not your car!

Reaching out to give this message would also be blatantly disrespecting what she asked of you. Don’t text them until they text you! Respect that. Maybe you overwhelm with texts as well as gifts, or you should take more time to think things through before impulsively texting them.

KrofftSurvivor said:

NTA. I wouldn't ask for it back, but I would send her a note asking if the car was over the top, and if she would prefer that you took it back. If she actually gives back the car, then I would say her issue is genuine, and she's very uncomfortable.

If she gets upset about you asking if she wants to give back the car - then she's just being a problem on purpose. At that point - cut off all gifts, as requested- no, do not send gifts to the children, no, do not send gifts to the parents, no, do not help them in any way, shape or form. Either they will learn to stand on their own two feet, or she will apologize.

sheramom4 said:

YTA. You don't ask for gifts back. In any circumstance. And it sounds like it may be time for some self-reflection. Obviously something is bothersome to them and you even dismiss their thoughts about your "light hearted" comments about their cat and say it was just "affection."

Are you too forward? Do you push an agenda? Do you expect them to have certain reactions to the things you say and do every time? DO you brag to others about how much support you give?