Woman won't allow partner to have an 'emergency single bed.' AITA?

"AITA for not allowing my partner to have an 'emergency' single bed?"

Me [f24] and my boyfriend [m28] have been living together for 5 years now. We are hoping to buy a place together next year and have been talking about what we want our dream home to be like.

He mentioned that he wants his own room with his set up and that's okay but then he mentioned that he wants a single bed in his own room. He says this is just in case he wants to sleep in a separate bed for example if I am ill or snoring badly. (Context on the snoring I got chronic tonsillitis and waiting to see an ENT to discuss a tonsillectomy so it's hopefully nothing permanent)

In my opinion having a single bed is the first step to leaving your partner it's also embarrassing and humiliating to me. I am a bit biased on this since my parents had separate beds then got a divorce so yea I don't think that sort of thing is healthy at all.

So I said why don't we compromise and get him a sofa bed that way he can have a comfortable sofa as part of his set up and use it as a bed if needed. He said no and is insisting that it has to be a single bed.

Then I even suggested okay let's get a single bed with a mattress and everything but one of those from Ikea that can look like a sofa shape still! Like I am literally saying okay have your single bed but let's get one that can pass as a frickin sofa!!! No, he also doesn't want that! It has to be a single bed looking bed! That screams I am a SINGLE bed!

If it's truly just for the odd night where I am unwell or snoring then I don't see the point in it needing to be a single bed at all and I think I am already very forthcoming in agreeing to a sofa bed or even a full on single bed that looks like a sofa. He's stubborn insisting on a single bed.

Am I the asshole for insisting we compromise with the options I said above? If it's just for emergencies I don't see why it has to be a single bed and also I'd be embarrassed having guests see that then having to explain that no our relationship is fine he just wanted this for no bad reason at all.

getupkids writes:

YTA. Getting decent sleep is important and the options you gave likely won’t be super comfortable which likely defeats the purpose of him using a separate bed and room.

Discuss the emotions behind why this bothers you and try to set some ground rules. If he follows them, great. If it becomes a wedge in the relationship then address it.

For the sake of compromise, could a possible solution be getting a double bed instead that could also be used for guests or something? That way he can be comfortable and conversationally to others it’s a guest room to help with some of your shame around it?

crazyhealthw writes:

YTA, but a very gentle one. You clearly have a lot of unresolved and complicated feelings about this because of your parents, and that's okay! It's okay to be concerned about what a single bed means and what it represents for a relationship when romantic couples do not share a bed.

Do you have any friends you can talk to about that, or have you considered therapy? Therapy doesn't have to be some shameful thing - our parents shape so much of our lives and how we see the world, and I think it might be helpful for you to chat through with somebody how you feel about the single bed and what it represents to you.

But... girl... he's buying a house with you. That is an unbelievably big commitment.
Buying a house with you screams I see myself with you for the long haul and I am willing to tie myself financially to you for the rest of my life.

It doesn't imply to me that he's looking to a hypothetical future when you two fall out and no longer sleep together. If he thought that was a possibility, he wouldn't be looking to buy a house.

A contingency single bed can sometimes just be a single bed. To be honest, in a house where you might have guests in the future, a spare bed can be helpful for that alone.

The idea of all your guests just crashing on your sofa might seem fine when you're 24, but trust me on this - once you hit 30 and back pain starts to be a thing in your friendship group any friends who want come and visit you or stay over for the night will love your spare bed.

I know that isn't the point of your post or your bf's motivation for a single bed, but it will be a useful thing to have in the future.

asiagny writes:

NTA but you're projecting onto him. sleeping in separate beds can be quite healthy if its done for a good reason, and is not a guarantee of divorce or separation. if he genuinely feels like he might need a bed to escape your snoring or whatever and you fight back hard, how's that going to make him feel happy and secure in the relationship?

deflate your ego a bit and try to make it less about you, more about him. if you love this man and want the relationship to work would you rather it be in separate beds sometimes or in the same bed until you drive him away?

levcontor writes:

ESH - your issues with this suck as you are putting past trauma on this but similarly his insistence on a certain thing sucks so you both suck.

It's a fair request and not an issue but your response to it and then his pig headed Ness about it makes you both AH