'WIBTA for not going to my boyfriend’s brother’s wedding in Italy?' UPDATED
"WIBTA for not going to my boyfriend’s brother’s wedding in Italy?"
I’m going to try to make this as short as possible but there are a lot of important details lol. So first I just want to give a little bit of back story: My boyfriend (27M) and I (25F) have been together for almost 5 years. Our anniversary is next month.My boyfriend’s brother, Mitch (30M) and his girlfriend, Ashley (29F) have been together for 2 years.
My boyfriend’s other brother, Tom (29M), and his fiancé, Alexis (27F) have been together for over 10 years and they are getting married in Italy this September. We live in the US.
Alexis and I used to be fairly close, but we had an argument a while back that we never got over. I was pregnant at the time and ended up having a miscarriage and she told my boyfriend’s family that she thought I was lying about ever being pregnant.
She still, to this day, swears I lied about being pregnant and when I asked her why she believes that, she said, “I have a masters degree in psychology. I can tell when people are lying.” So for the past 2 years, we have just always stayed civil at family events but we stay out of each other’s way.
When they announced that they were getting married in Italy and it would be a 10 day trip and they expected the whole family to be there, my boyfriend and I were already annoyed because we planned to take a long vacation elsewhere for our anniversary this year.
We aren’t able to do both because of money and not having enough PTO at our jobs. But we decided to get over it since it’s their wedding and it’s more important than our anniversary trip.
When we received the wedding invitation, it only said my boyfriend’s name. But on the RSVP website, it gave him an option for a plus one. So I just assumed that it would be the same for my boyfriend’s brother Mitch’s invitation. But his actually said “Mitch and Ashley” on the invitation and the website.
So my boyfriend asked Tom why my name wasn’t on there but Ashley’s was, and Tom said there must have been some kind of mistake with the company they used for the invites. But he told my boyfriend that I was invited too.
Then a few weeks later, Mitch and Ashley told my boyfriend and I that Alexis told them she purposely did not put my name on the invitation because she doesn’t like me and she thought it would be funny.
I feel like that’s a really immature and petty thing to do and I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars on a 10 day trip to Italy for someone’s wedding who disrespects me like that. WIBTA for not going?I hope this is enough info! Please feel free to ask any questions.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
graeee writes:
NTA for sure, don't go to the wedding if you don't want to. Your bf is right where he should be - in your corner. At least on the wedding situation.
What mystifies me is why nobody seems to have called Alexis out for her cruel, stupid, "I can tell you faked your pregnancy because I studied psychology" rubbish. Maybe more happened and you didn't include because, well, word limit.
But I would expect bf to have had a proper go at Alexis, or at least a serious talk with his brother, about piling such callous, utter garbage on a traumatised woman.
I am so sorry you suffered a miscarriage, and then had to deal with this person invalidating your pain. For that alone, you are under no obligation to her. For her immature little stunt leaving you off the invitation, even more so.
noactuay7 writes:
NTA. She’s being intentionally disrespectful to you and honestly, your boyfriend should step up and say something since this is HIS family’s drama lama.
That being said… you may need to put your feelings aside and realize that your boyfriend would may be upset or resent you if he missed out on a big family event. It may be a good idea to just be the bigger person (not saying that you’d be an AH for choose not to tho). BUT that’s only if your boyfriend steps up to the plate for you here.
emumbird7 writes:
YWNBTA. It's pretty common to see people asking if it's okay to uninvite so-and-so from their wedding because so-and-so has always been horrible to them. It works the other way.
If the person getting married has been horrible to you (and let's not understate it - her reaction to your miscarriage is HORRIBLE), you have no obligation to go to her wedding. And especially no obligation to use your saved money and PTO on it.
If your boyfriend would like to go to support his brother, maybe he only goes for a couple days around the actual wedding and you can try and find discount flights. Or he can stay home and you guys can plan the vacation you actually want to take for your anniversary.
postiigemain writes:
Even lie detectors are known to be full of shit lmao. It’s not your drama OP, skip the wedding and go on your well deserved vacay. Please don’t hold it against your partner if he does end up going, but he should be very aware that he’ll be asked multiple questions about why you’re not there (5 year relationship vs 2 years),
what happened leading up to this point, mixed opinions on why you should have gone etc.
And the crap that his new SIL will pull about “OP being an attention seeker because I called her a liar using my wealth of knowledge I attained with my degree” etc. She sounds like the type tbh, and it should come as no surprise if she does. If he doesn’t go though, more power to you both as a couple.
I’m sorry she’s even trying to embarrass you this way OP, but I’m not sorry that this will eventually bite her in the ass, ha.
Tbh, I would never show up at a wedding I wasn’t welcomed to anyway, and should anyone ever ask why I didn’t come, I’d tell them I wasn’t invited, because it’s not a lie lol. It’s the truth. NTA OP.
timelysec writes:
NTA for not going and it seems like she will not miss any opportunities to continue the slights while in Italy. If I were your fiancé, I would be pissed at this latest intentional slight and refuse to go as well, brother or not. I would also disagree that their wedding is more important than your anniversary.
You and your fiancé treat each other right. SIL does not respect you, as she has shown by lying about you and she obviously thinks she is smarter than you, (I'm have a masters in psychology...) why should you and your fiancé respect her demands that you attend? Take the money and spend it on a vacation of your choice to celebrate your anniversary.
OP added this info in response to comments:
1. She suspected I was lying because my boyfriend and I were on a “break” and she thought I was faking a pregnancy to get back together with him. But the break was mutual and I hesitated even telling him that I was pregnant because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.
When I finally told him, I was fully prepared to deal with the pregnancy while still taking our needed break apart. But it ended up bringing us closer together, and we unfortunately witnessed the miscarriage together and it was very traumatic for both of us.
He stuck up for me, he witnessed the miscarriage with me and it was super traumatic for both of us. He has never been the same with her since then either. He just watches what he says to her because his brother has anger problems and would cause a scene.
I think my bf’s brother believed her, but no one else in the family did. My relationship with the rest of his family is great. I love them all. They just have a hard time sticking up to her because her & Tom are the only ones with kids out of all the siblings. And she has not allowed family members to see her children in the past because of disagreements. It’s very sad.
2. The rest of the family, except for a select few, do not like her. She has caused drama with everyone in the family at least once. And right now, my boyfriend’s mother and her are not on speaking terms.
My bf’s mom was considering not going to wedding as well but does not want to miss out on her son getting married so she is going to go.
Everyone is pretty much on my side but a lot of people are scared to say anything to her because of how Tom will react, and they don’t want Alexis to prevent them from seeing her children (who are both under 5 years old) which she has done to family members in the past.
And another detail I left out: Alexis makes Ashley feel very uncomfortable every time they are around each other. Mitch’s ex-fiancé and Alexis are very good friends and every time Alexis gets a little drunk at family gatherings, she brings up Mitch’s ex to Ashley and says how much she misses her and how close they were. So Ashley avoids Alexis at all costs now.
3. Not to be the girl that’s like “he’s changed” but there’s really no other way to put it. He had a drinking problem and he hit rock bottom. He apologizes every single day for the way he used to treat me and has gone above & beyond to try to make up for everything, including therapy & cutting out alcohol.
Obviously doesn’t justify anything he did in the past but I feel safe and at home with him now. I appreciate your concern, I mean that sincerely.
4. He unfortunately was aware. He tried to cover it up by saying the company messed up the invites. He ended up adding my name to the RSVP website. But when Mitch and Ashley asked if it was really a mistake, Alexis laughed and said she did it on purpose.
5. My boyfriend’s dad is not in the picture. But his mom and Alexis recently had a disagreement that got pretty ugly and they are no longer on speaking terms. I talked to my bf’s mom today about possibly not going and she said she completely understands.
She does not want to go either but feels she will regret missing her son’s wedding if she doesn’t. So she is going & just spending the least amount of time around Alexis as possible.
It’s hard because my boyfriend is a groomsman. I feel like I should have mentioned this before also so he would need to be involved with the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and the bachelor party a couple days before the wedding, and then obviously the wedding itself. So really, at least 3 full days he has to be thoroughly involved.
6. Yeah I am realizing there are a ton of other important details that I should have brought up originally. We tried to tell his brother we felt she was abusive and manipulative before.
Long story short, my bf’s brother is a recovering heroin addict. He has been clean for 3 years and when he first got clean, he started putting all of his energy into working out; going to the gym, eating healthy, etc.
After about a year & a half of him going to the gym every single day, she told him she wasn’t comfortable with him going to the gym anymore because there “are girls at the gym.”
It’s very sad because now all his energy is put into drinking alcohol. Every single day after work and all day on weekends. He might not be doing heroin anymore but now he’s a functioning alcoholic.
Yeah she has always been an addict along side him. Except for her it was meth instead of heroin. And then she got pregnant with her first son and got clean. But now she drinks just as much as him and is highly addicted to adderall.
Thank you so much 🤍 unfortunately there have been a few conversations with his brother, from multiple family members, and his brother ends up just freaking out and causing a scene. He believes his fiancé does no wrong.
Later OP added this update:
UPDATE!! I’ve decided to leave it up to my boyfriend like some of you suggested! He said if I don’t go to Italy, he is definitely not going without me and that’s okay with him. But then when we started talking about how we were going to tell his brother, I noticed how anxious he got and I felt horrible.
So then I suggested he sit down & talk to his brother about us going to Italy but ONLY going to the rehearsal and the wedding, and us taking the rest of our vacation separately from them. And obviously explain to his brother why we don’t feel comfortable doing more with them. And we agreed that was a good plan.
But my bf said if his brother reacts poorly in anyway during their conversation, we will not go to Italy at all and we’ll go to Costa Rica instead I know this kind of a crappy update so I can give another one after they talk but I have no clue when that will be.
Also I just wanted to thank everyone for your suggestions and taking the time to write out so many thoughtful and helpful responses. It’s really so relieving to feel heard and understood.
But in addition to that, thank you so so SO much for all of the condolences. I don’t talk about my miscarriage very often, or really at all unless I’m talking about what Alexis accused me of, so I can’t really even remember the last time someone has gone out of their way to comfort me about it.
And then to have so many of you, who don’t even know me, take the time to say such loving & kind words- you just have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you thank you thank you.
Then OP added this second update in the commenmts:
I’m really sorry to keep everyone waiting, honestly I wasn’t planning on updating everyone because the post blew up so much on tiktok and I got scared that it would get back to Alexis. But then I realized why would I care if it did? Lol.
So the Saturday we planned to talk, it was my boyfriend’s nephew’s (Alexis’ son) birthday party. It was at a bowling alley. As soon as we got there, Alexis immediately came up to me and was OVERLY nice. Like nicer than I’ve ever seen her be to anyone.
She kept saying, “I’m so glad you came.” and kept asking me to be on her bowling team, and even tried to dance with me at one point I was so stunned. I was super awkward, and tried very hard not to feed into it.
My boyfriend realized what was happening, and he reminded me that Alexis was just sucking up to everyone because now that her and my boyfriend’s mom no longer like each other, Alexis is trying to get everyone on her side and turn them against my boyfriend’s mom. It sounds extreme, but later on I realized how right he was.
So when the party ended, we stayed behind to talk to Alexis and Tom. Alexis apologized for purposely leaving my name off of the invitation.
She said that she doesn’t trust me and has a hard time moving on from “our past.” I asked her if she could be more specific, and she said she can’t get over me lying…… I immediately got upset.
She was very drunk, and rambling, trying to save the conversation, mostly not making any sense. I told her I cannot be cool with someone who invalidates my trauma and refuses to admit when they are wrong.
I told her I can’t support her in this issue she has with my boyfriend’s mom, mainly because I don’t agree with her whatsoever and she was completely out of line, but also because of how she has treated me over the years.
She started saying horrible things about my bf’s mom, and how she feels like everyone is ganging up on her and she has no one left, and all she cares about right now is making sure people will still go to the wedding...
In this moment, I was angry and I told her I wasn’t going to go to the wedding and it was up to my boyfriend if he wanted to go or not.
Tom immediately jumped in and tried to mediate the situation, saying drinking shouldn’t have been involved in this conversation…. like no shit And she agreed with Tom to have a real, SOBER talk at another time. But we have seen them twice since then, and she has been drunk both times.
At this point, I am not interested in “talking things out” with her and I’m not going to put in any effort to do it again. My boyfriend’s mom has convinced me to the go to Italy and the wedding, and my bf and I will spend the majority of time with her and keep our distance from Tom and Alexis.
We will do our own thing and stay on our own. I’m going to remain civil at the wedding but I refuse to spend any time with her other than that.I’m so thankful to have my bf and the rest of his family be so supportive of me in this.
And my bf’s other brother, Mitch, and his girlfriend, Ashley, feel the same way about Alexis and are going to keep their distance as well and spend as much time as they can with us. Sorry this wasn’t the most interesting update! Thank you everyone again for all of the great advice and for being here for me! 🩷