Woman's husband files for divorce, plans to have full custody of the kids, 'he told me he's gay.' AITA?

"AITA for being upset that my husband of 8 years came out as gay, wants a divorce, and is trying to take everything, including our kids?"

I (33F) have been married to my husband (34M) for 8 years, and we have two beautiful children together (6F and 4M). Up until recently, I thought we had a good marriage. We’ve had our ups and downs, but nothing that ever made me think he was unhappy or that our relationship was falling apart.

A few months ago, my husband sat me down and told me that he’s gay and has only recently realized it. He said he needs to live his truth and wants a divorce. I was blindsided. I never saw this coming, and I feel like my entire world has been flipped upside down. I understand that this is a big moment for him, and I want to be supportive, but I’m also hurt, angry, and heartbroken.

Here’s where things get worse. Not only is he asking for a divorce, but he’s also trying to take almost everything in the process. He’s the main breadwinner in our family, and because of that, he’s arguing that he should get most of our assets, including the house. We both contributed to our savings and household, but since his salary is higher, he feels entitled to more.

And if that wasn’t enough, he’s also filing for full custody of our kids. He says he’s been a very involved father, which is true, but I’m just as involved, if not more. I’ve been the primary caregiver since they were born. Yes, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, but I’ve worked hard to manage it and be there for our children. Now he’s using that against me to try and take them away.

I feel like he’s not just ending our marriage, but he’s ripping my entire life apart. I get that he’s going through a lot, but I don’t think it’s fair that he’s trying to take everything—our home, our savings, and, worst of all, our children. I feel like he’s being selfish, trying to secure his future at the expense of mine and the kids’. It’s like I’m being punished for something I had no control over.

He says I’m being unreasonable for not wanting to let him take the lead in the divorce or for being upset about what he’s asking for. He claims he’s trying to be fair, but I can’t help but feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

So, AITA for being upset that my husband wants a divorce, is trying to take most of our assets, and is fighting for full custody of our kids? Or am I overreacting because I’m emotional right now?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Sweet-Interview5620 said:

NTA Get your own lawyer quickly before you agree to anything. Tell him he is trying to take you to the cleaners and take your kids who you’ve always been main carer for. That he somehow thinks him coming out as gay means he is entitled to anything he wants.

That yes he earned more than you but that’s as you raise your kids and still worked. So you contributed far more to this family than him. Tell him you need him to fight for your right and to keep your children. That you just can’t believe he things he could take full custody and you need to stop him.

Let him look over what your ex husband’s demanding and help make sure it doesn’t happen. That he broke the family not you and now he’s trying to break you because of it.

savinathewhite said:

NTA. Lawyer, today. This isn’t about your relationship any more, it’s about making sure you both walk away in an equitable and fair way, that won’t leave you or your children damaged. 1.) He’s been lying for years. 2.) He made no attempt to resolve anything through therapy.

3.) He is using emotional manipulation to get more in a divorce. 4.) He is trying to separate you from your children. None of these are good faith behaviors, or indications that he’ll “be fair." Protect yourself and your children. Lawyer.

cupcake_alex said:

NTA. Your husband is trying to clean you out while "living his truth." Fight for what's fair—you deserve it.

ayfakay said:

NTA. I suspect your husband has been taking the lead on many things throughout your lives. It’s time to lawyer up. It’s also time to STOP being the nice guy, the doormat, the push over, the accommodating one.

Everytime you let bad behavior go, it teaches the other person you’re okay with it. And over time, they end up feeling entitled to their bad behavior. Make a stand immediately and secure you and your children’s lives.

Lovelybelaa said:

NTA. You're not the ahole for feeling upset. Your emotions are valid, especially after such a sudden change in your life. It's understandable to feel blindsided and frustrated about the custody and asset division, given your role as a primary caregiver.

While your husband is navigating his own journey, it’s important for both of you to approach this with empathy, especially for your kids’ sake. Seeking legal advice can help ensure your rights are protected during this difficult process. Prioritizing your feelings in this situation is completely reasonable.

Cuteelolaa said:

NTA. You're absolutely not the asshole for being upset. It’s completely understandable to feel hurt, blindsided, and overwhelmed by everything that’s happening.

While it’s important to respect your husband’s need to live his truth, it doesn’t justify his attempts to take most of your shared assets or fight for full custody of your children, especially when you’ve been an equally involved parent and primary caregiver. Wanting to protect yourself and your children during a difficult divorce isn’t unreasonable—it’s necessary.