'Would I be TA for divorcing my wife because she didn't care about my health?' UPDATED 2X

"Would I be the A-hole for divorcing my wife because she didn't care about my health?"

For context, my wife and I never wanted to get married. Both of us came from ab-sive homes. The ab-se was mostly because our parents hated eachother, but didn't want to get divorced and took their anger out on us. We both felt like marriage could trap us to someone after they became dangerous and it scared us.

We started dating in highschool. After we graduated I worked dead end jobs trying to save up money for a few years to be able to move out, but never could.I joined the military to finally get away from my parents.

My then girlfriend (now wife) and I had a long distance relationship for a few years with me coming down to visit around once a month on 4-day weekends while she went to college. I was lucky enough to get stationed within the millage radius.

She was living in a college dorm for the first few years and was close to graduating, but suddenly had to move out since her father decided not to cosign for her and made her move back in. Here dad got really bad. He had tracking on her car and would remotely make it honk when she went somewhere he didn't like. He wouldn't let her go anywhere besides work, school, or home.

Her life was very bad. I told her that if we got married we could get a house on base and she could go to college here (the army would increase my pay to accommodate this). At first, she said no since she didn't want to be locked in with someone, but one day when I got home from a week in the field I turned on my phone and was greeted by hundreds of texts and missed calls.

She had packed a suit case with a few clothes, her birth certificate, and her SS card, and was living at my mom's house. (My parents divorced soon after I left and could only take their anger out on each other. They became really chill once they were apart and even apologized for everything they put me through. It's not a perfect relationship, but it's really not part of this story so I'll skip it.)

I came down with a 4-day weekend pass and we got married in the court house. She came up and we lived on post. Things were way worse than I originally thought. She refused to live anywhere except on posy because she wanted to be in a super secure area her father and step mother couldn't find her. She had panic attacks whenever she saw cars that looked like theirs. The first 6 months were the worst.

She would cry herself to sleep every night. Every morning I would wake up to her quietly sobbing. I would go to work and when I came back she would still be quietly sobbing in the corner I left her in, yet somehow the house was trashed. I would cook food and beg her to eat it and drink water. She would reluctantly. Then she would cry herself to sleep and the process would begin again.

I got her into therapy and signed her up for college. That seemed to help some, but she was still a mess. Fast forward and we've been married for 7 years. She has never held a job sighting her mental health as the issue. It was fine since I was very good with money and could provide for both of us. Her mental heath got a little better, but has never been good.

At one point she gained 80 pounds ordering Uber Eats and Insta Cart. Apparently she didn't want to go outside so she needed food delivered. She wanted to self harm, but couldn't do it in normal ways since I would see and make her talk to her therapist about it. Instead she had incredibly greasy unhealthy food delivered to our house and would eat it to give herself a stomach ache.

She spent over $10,000 over the course of a year doing this. I didn't notice because she said she wanted to feel like she contributed to the house by taking care of the finances. I trusted her to do that and never questioned her about it. (My fault, I know).

She was also slightly underweight by about 5-10 pounds when we first got married and my mom was overweight and constantly told me to never question a woman gaining weight so I waited too long to start asking questions about that too.

Recently I was chaptered from the military. A very long story short, she started constantly attempting self-harm and because I was busy taking care of her so much I was non-deployable for too long. They had to let me go. I lined up a job as a c0p for when I got out, but ended up tearing my ACL in a motorcycle accident.

That meant I needed to get it repaired and go through physical therapy before I could start the job. In the mean time I had to move back in with my mom and my wife had to move back in with her mom. (Neither house was large enough for both of us to live). When it happened my wife was very upset, but didn't seem to give me much sympathy.

More anger than anything. She started to act better when I called her on it though. Later she told me she didn't want to have s-x since I had gained weight since the accident. Not being able to walk/ exercise and stress eating from all your plans on how to survive crumbling will do that to you. I've gained about 20 pounds in the last two months.

Side note, she has never lost the weight and has even put more on. She is currently 50 pounds over the highest weight she should be for her height and age. I do have a belly, but I can still bench-press over 300 pounds and you can still see most of my muscles. Today I got a letter from the VA saying that I would only be given 15 physical therapy appointments.

The physical therapist had told me earlier that I would probably need at least 40. I went to the physical therapist to come up with a new plan since obviously the old one needed to change. When I talked to my wife about it, before I could even finish talking she got angry and said we couldn't afford it. She then said that I would need to do more Uber because her part time job couldn't cover it.

I got angry that it seemed she only cared about how my issues affected her. After about a half hour fight she apologized and said that her mom is still ab-sive and that she is jealous that I get to live with a mom who isn't. (Her mom yells at her sometimes, but it's nothing compared to what her dad and step mother did though.

Not saying it's good, but there's really nothing I can do right now. The only jobs I'm qualified for require me to be able bodied and I'm not right now. She also isn't qualified to get a job that can pay bills because she's only worked fast food jobs for short stents and has a 3 year employment gap.)

Since we've gotten back she has quit 3 part time jobs for various reasons and I feel like the burden to fix everything is all on me. I'm usually fine with that because I loved her and cared for her, but over these last few months I feel like she doesn't care for me at all, only what I provide. It's made me fall out of live with her. Would I be the A-hole for divorcing her?

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

BetweenWeebandOtaku wrote:

Here's a hard fact: being a victim doesn't make you a good person. You've tried your best, but your care hasn't translated into love on her end. You can feel good for getting her out of one bad situation and trying to help her, but you're not going to turn her into the loving, caring partner you want her to be.

Now that you've realized this, the resentment will build and eventually turn into anger. You've tried to lift her up and it hasn't worked. All that's left is for her to drag you down. For both your sakes, get out of there.

Suspicious-8388 wrote:

NTA/ You deserve someone to put in just as much to the relationship as you do (I'm more referring to love, caring and compassion). After all these years of loving her through everything, now you are injured and she doesn't even seem to care about you at all...smh.

I'm just curious, has she ever shown she cared for you, like when you were sick, or tired from a long day, minor injury, or is this new? Not that it matters now, really.

I also wonder if roles were reversed, would she have stood by you through everything you've stood by her for? It doesn't sound like it.

May I suggest having this conversation with her in front of her therapist, just in case she doesn't try to harm you or herself I am so sorry all this has happened to you, I wish the best for you. I hope to see an update 6 months/a year from now of you healed, in a great job, divorced and seeing a great woman!

OP responded:

I wish I could say it's new, but looking back it really isn't. When I was trying to go Special Forces I was working out 4 times a day and working regular hours. I asked her to cook for me so that I would have more time to myself.

I was getting up a 4a.m. and not stopping most days until 6 or 7p.m. I was doing intermittent fasting, meaning I only ate one meal a day. It was pre-made chicken you put in the oven for half an hour and microwavable vegetables. She didn't have a job at the time and I thought this wasn't a big ask.

She refused and my idiot self thought I was being an asshole for asking a woman to conform to gender roles. (My mom constantly said stuff like that when my dad asked her to do stuff) I got into shape for it despite her hindering me in multiple ways, but when I got my date to go to selection she attempted to off herself the first time. I never went and started taking care of her.

Sad_Construction668 wrote:

NTA- here’s a hard thing: she never wanted you, she wanted what you could do for her. Once you stopped being able to do that, she had no more interest. You sound like a guy who wants to love and be love, serve and be served, build a mutual relationship with someone, but you didn’t have that, you had someone with significant needs, that you could fill, at least partially.

She had no intention of ever meeting your needs, because she has no capacity to do that. I’m sorry, it sucks to be there. I hop that you can move forward, she can learn to get her needs met outside of an unbalanced relationship, and you can find the mutuality you want.

FairyfartDaydreams wrote:

You need to tell her you are sorry for what she went through growing up BUT it is not fair that she uses you as her emotional punching bag. She needs to up the therapy or change therapists/therapeutic modalities and work on herself or you will be filing for divorce.

Give her 6 months to a year. Then if there is no improvement file. You might just be unintentionally enabling her. As for now if you live close by go every evening for a sit in the park to have conversations about the now and the future.

As for you start looking for training you can do in the meantime. If you still have access to the GI bill (I'm assuming US) then go and get a degree. IT security makes good money with less wear and tear on the body and psyche than policing. Maybe get some aptitude testing to see what you would be good at.

OP responded:

I'm in college right now to become a nurse. I was a combat medic, so I have a lot of the necessary credits already and know I like medicine.

yakkerswasneverhere wrote:

She's not a partner. You deserve a partner. Divorce is the only logical solution when it turns to this.

A month later, OP shared an update.

I told my wife I wanted a divorce about a month ago. She convinced me to go to counseling, but she still refused to take accountability for her flaws and got mad at the marriage counselor for saying she needed to improve herself. I've been talking with my lawyer to get the ball rolling with the divorce.

Last night she called me screaming that she was going to kill me. Then she said she would go on a crime spree hurting others. Then she said she was going to k-ll herself and hung up. I called the p-lice and told them what she said. I hadn't heard anything back the rest of the day.

This morning she called from a psych ward saying that I ruined her life for calling the police and now I'm going to have to pay for her visit. Is it true that I will need to pay for her stay there? She does not have insurance. We both live in Georgia, but have not lived together for several months.

The comments kept coming.

LondonDreamin wrote:

If she’s on your insurance she’s legally obligated to it. Since you’re married, her debt can affect you. Even if you divorce, it’s not instant and many insurances have an x amount of days they allow someone to finish out a joint policy.

OP responded:

She is not on my insurance. I was in the military and insured by the VA, but they do not cover her.

Stunning_Night_5736 wrote:

You’ve gotten plenty of good advice here but one thing I will say is you need to rapidly accelerate this divorce. Talk to your lawyer and get this moving as quickly as humanly possible. I would also consider restraining order.

OP responded:

I talked to my lawyer today. My wife is on a minimum 72 hour hold, but the last time she was in they kept her for 2 weeks. My lawyer is trying to get a restraining order and a settlement written up before she gets out. Hopefully she'll sign it and won't fight this too long.

ApprehensiveAlpaca wrote:

The hospital will send a bill under your wife's name. If neither of you pays it, it will likely go to collections and affect your wife's credit. You have no responsibility to pay. It will not affect your credit. But she is your wife, so this will impact both of you guys financially whether you want it or not.

lunarjazzpanda wrote:

You're married. If you don't want to pay for her bills, then file for divorce. Your lawyer can help you with the details of splitting assets and debts.

Three weeks later, OP shared another update.

Some people said they wanted an update so I thought I'd give one. It's been over a month and a lot has happened.

To start, I told my wife that we needed to go to couples counseling or get divorced. She freaked out and had a panic attack.

She threatened to off herself and it became a thing for several days. I talked to a lawyer to start the divorce process, but put it on pause when she agreed to couples counseling after a while. When we went to our first appointment I gotta admit, I was nervous. Several people I knew said that couples counselors will simply blame the man for everything and never take anything into account the man says at all.

From the first session I found that to be completely untrue. She seemed to be on my side on almost everything and my wife seemed to be listening and understanding my issues for the first time in a long time. The week after the appointment my wife started an argument about me not being able to do much outside because standing on my torn ACL was painful.

During the argument she said that I was an idiot for taking care of her while she had her mental health problems and that just because I was stupid and took care of her did not mean she was obligated to do the same for me. I told her that was hurtful and she apologized. During our next therapy session a week later she said the same thing again.

The therapist told her that she needed individual therapy because no relationship could survive if she felt that way. My wife cried and said she had been in therapy for 7 years and doesn't think she can change. That was when I knew it was completely over. I told my wife as much the next day and she threatened to off me, then go on a crime spree, and off herself.

It was in a manic 10 minute rambling phone call, but that was the gist of it. From whet I gathered from it she wanted to off me for leaving her. Then she said that was too easy and would go on a cr!me spree instead because she needed to be arr-sted since she can't take care of herself and thought being locked up would be a free alternative.

Then she said something about prison probably being a terrible place to stay long term and it would be better to just k-ll herself quickly. I called the police and she was put into a mental institution. The next day I awoke from a phone call with the caller ID "Health Care". I answered and she was calling from the ward to yell at me for calling the police.

She said I ruined her life because she might lose her job and now I would be on the hook for a ton of medical debt since she couldn't pay for her visit. I hung up and called my attorney, but he was on vacation for a week. Since then things have been pretty quite. I heard that she is out of the ward, but nothing further. I got my surgery to replace my ACL. I'm doing great in physical therapy.

The doctor was impressed by my recovery, but cautioned me against going too fast since it would be bad to tear it again at this stage. My lawyer has been back from vacation for a while and my wife is being served this week. I'm hoping that the divorce will be smooth and painless, but I seriously doubt it. She says she wants to fight about everything.

People were glad to hear an update.

LosAngel1935 wrote:

I wish you the best, and I think you are better off without the wife. and maybe your soon to be ex can get the help she needs. But she has got to really want the help, or nothing will ever change for her.

Good luck to you.

OP responded:

Thanks. I know I'll get through this. Right now is just a rough patch. As soon as the divorce is over and my leg is healed it'll be smooth sailing. I've got a job lined after I'm back on my feet, literally, and then I'll be able to move on.

SparrowLikeBird wrote:

I would STRONGLY suggest a protection order.

But hey good job/congrats? IDK the right words for the situation but you did the right thing.

Babyyyycute wrote:

You're not TA for divorcing your wife. Her behavior is completely unacceptable and you deserve to be in a healthy, supportive relationship. It's understandable that you're feeling anxious about the divorce process, but it's important to remember that you're taking the right steps to protect yourself.

Your wife's warnings are serious and you need to take them seriously. If you feel unsafe, consider getting a restraining order.

Kurasaki0nepiece wrote:

Bruh you better keep a pew pew 🔫on you, she sound crazy!

OP responded:

Lol! I was in the military for 8 years. I am highly trained in their use. Thanks for your concern. I don't think I'll need them though.