'A year ago, I broke up with my lying boyfriend. Today, I found out everyone else was lying.' UPDATED

The truth has a way of coming out, sadly, that isn't always a pleasant experience.

"A year ago, I [27F] broke up with my lying boyfriend [27M]. Today, I found out that everyone else was lying and he was being truthful."

A year ago, I was about to move in with my first serious boyfriend (Josh), with whom I was head over heels in love, when one of my closest friends said that Josh had shown them an inappropriate photo of me on his phone when he was buzzed during a party.

Five or six more of my friends corroborated the story and told me that Josh also talked in extreme detail about our intimate life when showing the photo. It was sickeningly detailed. This did not sound at all like Josh. When I asked him what the f- was going on, he denied everything. He eventually got very angry and started calling all of my friends liars.

At one point, he showed up at my place while some of them were visiting and things got a little physical. It was really a very strange turn of events in my life. Josh seemed so worked up and all of my close friends were calling him a liar. Josh had taken photos of me on his phone (which I know was stupid but heat of the moment and everything).

So I trusted my friends and I broke up with Josh. It was heart wrenching. Josh begged me to believe him. He started tearing up, nearly punched the wall, and left angrily. I was really grossed out at the time and felt super conflicted.

A few months later, I started dating one of the friends (Alex) who had told me about Josh showing everyone the photo. All of my friends were pushing me to date Alex at the time. We didn't really sync and it didn't go past a few months, but we remain friends of sorts.

So today, another friend sends me a message that says he just wanted to get something off his chest. The story about Josh wasn't true and were really trying to get me to date Alex, so they made up that story about Josh. After talking to a few of the other people, including Alex, it's all come out that they were lying. It was this f-ing orchestrated BS event that totally changed my life forever.

Apparently, they hated Josh and thought he was bad for me and an AH. That was my f-king decision. I'm shaking right now. I cried in the office bathroom for about two hours afterwards. I loved Josh so much. We were planning a life together. And I've been friends with that group since high school. What the f-?

I guess I'm supposed to stop talking to my "friends" right? I cannot possibly come back from this and still talk to them, right? This basically nukes my group of friends. But how could I ever even look at them again? Also, I need closure with Josh. Can I call him? Should I call him? Should I unblock him on Facebook and message him? What do I do?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

DiggyMcgriz wrote:

Hooooooly s-t. Yes. At the very least, these people need to not be a part of your life ever again. F-k. Nuke the friends. Find new friends. Even a life of bitter friend-less loneliness is better than one that involves these people. Make no exception. Cut all contact. So gross.

As for Josh, you should reach out to him. You owe him an apology for how things went down. I don't know if this will mean anything further will happen, but the conversation should be at least be him learning the truth about what went down. Yeah, unblock him from Facebook and write a long letter. If this goes unanswered, attempt to get the message to him through one of his friends. Goooooood luck.

mrsmeltingcrayons wrote:

Ooookay. First step is to take care of you. This is a devastating revelation that sounds like it's turned your life on its head. You're upset and you have a right to be.

Right now, you need to take a few hours for yourself. Drink some tea, take a bath, watch television, knit, or whatever you want. Don't contact anyone and don't make any decisions. Do what you want to do. Treat yourself. Cry until you're out of tears. (Then re-hydrate.) Do what you need to do until you're calmer and not shaking.

Next, I suggest you look up some information on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), especially radical acceptance. It's basically the idea that you accept what's happened and not argue with it, focus on your response rather than the initial event. It might sound really hollow, but it's true. You can't change anything in the past. You can fix some things that have been broken, but you can't undo anything.

What do you want to get out of contacting Josh? Do you want the opportunity to apologize, do you want to be forgiven, do you want reconnection? You may get the first one, but the last two are up to him. You may not get those. Is it better to contact him and get no forgiveness, or to not contact him? That's up to you.

I'd use a format that is under lots of control--like an email rather than the phone. Your world may be falling apart, but Josh doesn't know that, and he's going to be confused as to why you're calling him crying. In an email, you can get your words together and reconsider them before hitting send. What support system do you have? Your parents, a roommate, siblings, mentors? Talk to them.

Don't isolate yourself and think about how horrible humanity is and how everyone lies. Go out to lunch with your mother and let yourself laugh at her jokes. Have coffee with your sister and talk to her about her job. Remind yourself that you have a life outside of these people. What happened is horrible, but it's not the end of the world. I promise.

shewhoentangles wrote:

Josh needs an apology. To be f-ed over for no reason by a group of unapologetic people can really f- up your perception of friendship and life and could have severely crippled his social personality and ability to make more friends. He needs to know he was in the right and that what happened was very, very wrong. Find a way of telling him this instead of sweeping it under the rug.

RuhWalde wrote:

Wow. That's f-king sickening. Definitely cut those "friends" out of your life first thing. Block them everywhere. I don't know whether you still have a chance with Josh or not, but you should definitely call him and apologize for what happened. Do it without any expectation of getting anything out of it; if he wants to get back together, he can initiate that discussion.

shadovvvvalker wrote:

I come with a warning. As s-ty as it is. Josh and you are done. He may want to get back together. Don't. Here's why. What you have done is made a mistake and chose to trust your friends over him. This isn't the worst mistake ever and it's understandable.

He definitely deserves an apology and the whole story. However. If you were to get back together you can't ever trust him enough. You will always be hostage to your mistake. It will color your relationship forever. You will feel in the wrong when your in the right. You will feel bad for having normal thoughts. You will be extremely hurt by smaller lies.

Conversely he won't be in the healthiest situation either. Your normal will be forever gone and instead it will be replaced by an uneasiness the will out strain on your relationship. Strain that I'm not sure you will survive. It's better to stay separate. That way you both have much less chance of hurting each other further and more chance of happiness with someone else.

A week later, OP responded.

Even though everyone seemed to think this was a terrible idea, I sent Josh an email on Friday. I copied it here:

Josh,

I don't know if you are still connected to anyone on Facebook but if you are, you probably already know why I am sending this. And I know it is totally unfair and selfish to contact you, but I cannot imagine going through the rest of my life without apologizing. So before I say a bunch of embarrassing things, more than anything, I want to say that I am sorry I did not trust you.

I am sorry I let other people decide our relationship. I am sorry for what I put you through. But I figure this might be my only chance to say this, so here comes the really lame, embarrassing stuff. I spent the past day thinking about the past year, where I would be if I had believed you, what my life would be like. Would we be engaged? Would we be married?

I'm not over you. I want to try again. I'm not asking you to marry me, but if you ever find yourself thirsty, I would love to buy you a beverage of your choice. I want to talk to you again. I miss everything about our relationship. I miss you getting annoyed when I stole your french fries. I miss fighting with you over money. I miss making you breakfast. I miss watching the Office with you over and over and over.

I miss you.

My information is still the same. I would not blame you if you ignored and deleted this. Just know that I know. I am really sorry.

So I sent it and tried to take my mind off of it. Just writing it and sending it was extremely cathartic. I spent Saturday morning sitting around watching a old movies when someone rang my doorbell. Assuming it was Amazon, I ignored it and waited for the delivery driver to leave so that I could sneak out and grab the package (I was in my robe).

After a minuter or two, I walked over to the door and looked through the hole. It was Josh. Obviously, my heart leapt into my throat. I had been compulsively checking my phone for a response, but I was not expecting something like that! Everything in my house (including me) was pretty disheveled. I cracked the door, smiled, said hi, and told him that I had to get dressed really quick.

What a terrible interaction...so I ran around my place throwing s-t into corners, pulled my hair back, found something to wear, and went back to the door.

"I'm here for that beverage."

I only had OJ and water, which was also pretty embarrassing, but Josh stuck around anyways. He didn't ask many questions really. I started to talk about the nude photo incident but he said he didn't really care to talk about it. "We both know all of the details now." The conversation eventually grew a bit aimless and we were just talking like old times.

It was wonderful. He asked if I was hungry. I wasn't really but of course I said I was. We went to a nearby burger place that we used to go to all the time. He did ask whether or not I had dated Alex. He didn't seem to upset by my answer. I asked him if he had dated anyone. He had a six month relationship in the interim.

She sounded great but I didn't pry. When we got back to my place, Josh asked what I was doing for the rest of the day. "I don't have plans." We spent the rest of the day together - then the night. It's totally stupid to move that fast but I'm not going to spend much time worrying about it. I'm feeling happy.

We spent part of Sunday together too. Then Tuesday. And Wednesday. We discussed what we were doing. "Two single people dating each other," was the consensus. "Exclusive?" "Yes." I think the world of him and will always regret what happened. No matter what though, I'm extremely happy I sent the letter to him.

It's interesting to think that if he had actually done what everyone accused him of, and then I took him back, I would probably have trust issues. Now, obviously, I trust him to the core.

He could tell me the world was flat and I'd have trouble questioning him. Just a weird thought I've been having. So that's the story. We are together again. Will it work out? I hope so. No matter what, things are better today than they were last week.

The comments kept coming in.

jeleanor11 wrote:

I am so happy for you! Your last post seemed so sad and I could feel your distress. I wish you all the best in your future. I just hope that you've cut your old 'friends' out of your life - and I'm glad you trust Josh fully. Good luck!

PeanutCheeseBar wrote:

Out of all of the updates I have read on here, this one has brought me the most happiness and joy; I am extremely happy that things panned out this way and you were able to reunite with each other. Most people expressed reaching out without any expectations, and I'm glad the outcome surpassed your expectations in every way.

Seriously, I'm happy for the both of you and I hope you eventually hit those milestones of engagement and marriage. I know I'd love to hit those points too sometime soon with the woman I want to be with.

BambooCyanide wrote:

Him showing up at your door is like a Lifetime movie, okay? OKAY? I'M VERY H-RMONAL RIGHT NOW; THIS IS NOT OKAY BUT TOTALLY IS. This is a great update!

PizzaBan wrote:

Unpopular opinion but this isn't a happy ending. Josh deserves better.

Edit: I also can't help but thinking how obvious it would be to 99% of the women I know if a group of guys (even if they are friends) came up with a ridiculous story about her boyfriend and then tried to sleep with her.

That isn't normal or healthy to fall for. Even more so, its not normal or healthy to have friends who are sociopaths.

TheMangusKhan wrote:

Right? From what OP said about Josh in her first post it seems like Josh was a fantastic guy. I would not have given OP a second chance if I were in Josh's position. If OP would throw everything she had with him down the drain over one accusation with no proof, I wouldn't be able to fully trust the future of the relationship again.

I would be constantly paranoid that I would be dropped again over the next thing that came up. Luckily for OP, Josh seems like a better man than I am and I wish her luck and happiness in her future with him.