'AITA for yelling at my girlfriend that I am a person not a comfort blanket?'
"AITA for yelling at my girlfriend that I am a person not a comfort blanket?"
My (f26) and my girlfriend (23) have been together 3 years. My gf struggles with a lot of anxiety over different things. For the last 3 years I've done my best to be there for her and help her navigate things.
She is the type of person that will shut down rather than face something head-on. For example I was once out when out electric ran out, she rang me panicking and I told her how to fix it, she didn't understand so just mentally shut down and refused to learn for if it ever happened again.
My gf knows how to drive, she has her license and a car, but she will refuse to drive if she doesn't feel comfortable. The only way to make her comfortable is if the place we are going is a place she knows really well, if she has either driver the route before or has spent hours on Google maps, and I have to be next to her, she will not drive alone.
Last January my sister died, I was obviously heart broken, my gf tried her best to be their for me but I much admit I found myself feeling annoyed as I simply wanted to be left alone to process my feelings. Last month my other sister died. I was left feeling broken and even now cry every time I think about it.
I feel like I didn't really get chance to process the first sister dying so that made it even harder this time. I decided I needed time to process, so I stopped spending so much time and energy on helping my gf do basic tasks. This has caused issues between us, she feel like I don't consider her a priority anymore, I feel completely burnt out.
This morning she told me her and her therapist have made a plan that will help her be more independent, I was happy to heard this until she explained it involves me getting in her car everyday while she drives around to build confidence, I told her I wasn't doing that. I explained I didn't want to be dragged around in the car a few hours everyday.
She kept nagging me about how she needed this and I was holding her back by not helping her. Eventually I lost my temper and yelled at her that I am a person not a comfort blanket, I have my own shit i need to deal with and am not just available to her whenever she needs it . She started crying and hasn't spoken to me since Did I go to far?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA (Not the Asshole) for wanting to prioritize your own well-being, but it might help to talk to her calmly and explain your need for space, especially while you’re grieving. Encourage her progress toward independence but set clear boundaries about what you can and cannot do right now.
ghost200121 OP responded:
I have tried but it feels like she isn't listening.
She's not, clearly. The only way she's going to get over this is if she does it on her own. Babying her further will only make it worse.
Info how does your gf function? I would imagine, it would be difficult to hold down a job with this much anxiety.
ghost200121 OP responded:
She works from home so she's okay with that. Basically anything involving leaving the house or doing something for the 1st time she cannot function alone. Although I do know before we got together she worked outside the house and would do things alone so I'm not sure what changed.
What’s going on with your family? Why are your sisters dying so often? You should see a grief therapist and you should probably not be in such a dependent relationship while you are dealing with so much grief.
ghost200121 OP responded:
Nothings wrong with my family. One sister had been ill for awhile, the other died unexpectedly.
Two sisters randomly dying? I call bs. NTA anyway.
ghost200121 OP responded:
One sister had been ill for a while and the other died quite unexpectedly. Maybe don't comment on things you know nothing about.
OP- who did she learn to drive with? I’m assuming you practice before you get your license where you live? She’s monopolizing you when she must have other people in her life. I also don’t think she has been honest and open with her therapist about your situation.
ghost200121 OP responded:
She could already drive when I met her so I'm not sure who taught her.
So you'd told her no, gave her a reason for your no, and she kept nagging you until you yelled?
I'm not a fan of yelling, but sometimes we have to yell to be heard. Clearly she wasn't hearing you until you upped your volume and reminded her that you have needs and issues of your own.
However, I would suggest you speak with your girlfriend about having a joint meeting with her therapist. On the face of things, either the therapist is crappy at their job (inconsiderate of the affect these plans will have on others), or doesn't know what you are currently dealing with yourself (if your girlfriend hasn't brought this up).