'AITA for yelling at my mother, sister and father for a comment they made over my dress at a family wedding?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for yelling at my mother, sister and father for a comment they made over my dress at a family wedding?"
This is so stupid, back story for context I 41 female have always been a chesty woman. Since I was 13 I have been a DD CUP. PCOs will do that to you, it comes with hormone changes, weight gain. rapid growth of facial hair during puberty.
After discovering an ovarian cyst the size of a soft ball was removed I went from being flat chested to looking like an adult film star over a few months. I can’t help I developed so quickly.
Anyway my mother and father thought they could try and “hide” it with turtle necks and baggy clothes. Where you would see teens wearing cute outfits I looked like a wannabe nun. Covered from head to toe to hide my body.
As I grew up It got worse. I get asked to dances and my parents would buy me dresses that covered me from neck to toes. I swear my claustrophobia was at an all time high living in that house.
Because of this I also developed depression so at this point I didn’t care what I looked like and ate a lot!!! To cope with everything that was going on in my life and mind. I gained weight, a lot of it and of course that was just another thing for my parents to complain about. Speed forward to now.
I’m all grown up now and living on my own. For the past 20 years I have worked on myself and my mental health to the point I lost 182 pounds. I went from a size 26 to a size 10-12 depending on the style of clothing. And got my hormones in check.
You’d think my family would be happy for me right!? Wrong! I got invited to my cousins wedding a couple months ago. I went out and bought a dress for the occasion because why not, I never buy things for myself and I wanted to feel good on this day.
I bought a beautiful blush pink dress with a sweet heart neck line and 2/3 sleeve with a lace overlay on top. It was the prettiest thing ever and only showed alittle of my cleavage. As soon as I walk into the venue my mother and father waved me over to their seats so I could sit with them.
As soon as I sat down my father decided it would be the perfect time to tell me while I looked nice it would be better if I would cover up with a wrap or something. I looked at my mother and she is clutching her imaginary pearls and instantly agreed with my father.
Like me showing an inch or two of cleavage was the end of the world. I ignored them because I was raised better than to raise my voice in a church. After the ceremony I walked away and didn’t say a world I congratulated my cousin and her husband on the way out. About to head to the reception.
As soon as I get in my car with the love of my life I hear my phone blowing up with texts. I glance at the screen and see both my father mother and even my sister texting me options of wraps I could borrow for the reception.
I sighed and said I don’t need one because it’s 84 degrees and I am already sweating in what I have on. They all respond with well if you knew how to dress yourself then we wouldn’t have to help you.
That’s when I lost it. I texted back. “ you all realize I am 41 years old I can dress myself right! I know me being big chested must be so bad for you. Since I’m the one who has to live with them. And has lived with them for over 20 years.
This is my body and I will wear what I want where I want. Stop trying to police my outfits. You complained and blamed me when I was heavier and now that I feel good in my own skin you want to tear me down more.
I’m done I will see you at the reception and if any of you tries to cover me up to save face I will not hesitate to cut you all off.” I turned my phone off and had my boyfriend drive us to the reception.
He was so proud of me for standing up to my parents that we might have taken a detour to a secluded beach and made out for an hour. lol anywhooo, once we got to the reception my cousin and aunt pulled me to the side and scolded me for sending my parents the message I sent.
I explained to them that they have been policing my clothing for decades and I’m done with it. I’m an adult and I can decide what’s appropriate and what’s not. My aunt understood but my cousin said she isn’t taking sides and wished I hadn’t started drama on her day.
I told my cousin if she was so concerned with drama than maybe she needed to go talk to my parents and tell them to stop telling people how I upset them. So Reddit am I the hole?
Edit to add:
Some people in the comments were shocked about the dress color choice the theme was 2 shades of pink. Just envision the wedding scene from steel magnolias a blush pink and dusty rose shade of pink.
And to add my aunt who also had pcos and was rather large chested herself before she got a reduction finally understood where I was coming from. My mother was even wearing the same shade of pink as myself.
So the cousin was not mad about the pink color dress she was just upset that I upset my parents and sister. The only other person who was on my side and didn’t see a problem with my outfit was my brother.
The rest of the reception my brother and boyfriend were playing defense keeping my parents and sister away from me the rest of the night. There’s a whole other back story behind why I have a strained relationship with my family but I’ll probably make an update on that one at some point.
I do want to discuss things with my family I am just not sure how to start I don’t know if I should go in guns blazing or gently bring it up so they don’t feel like I am attacking them. I just want my voice to be heard.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA. And, yay, you!!!
NTA Look them dead in the eye & ask, "why have you been obsessed with your daughter's breasts for 25 years" and say literally nothing else raising my voice each time they stopped. If people don't understand what causing a scene is, show them. It's gross that they are doing this.
I’m large chested and have been since high school too. It’s a pain, literally and emotionally. The lears, the accidental bumps are bad enough but to have them carry on is disgusting. They need to have some empathy.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
On Saturday I contacted my brother and sister to talk about what happened a few months ago at the wedding. My sister was hesitant but agreed and my brother was all in and said he’d be there. We met up at my sisters place and sat down.
I started off the conversation that I love my family and would never insult them in anyway but for a 41 year old woman to be reprimanded over a dress that wasn’t even too revealing was ridiculous.
My sister tried defending her self and my parents but my brother put a stop to it right there. He mentioned all the times mom dad and her would always nitpick my outfits growing up never allowing me the freedom to have my own personality or style.
It wasn’t about her it was about me and how I feel That shut her up. lol All I wanted was for her to see how it feels for me. Always being knocked down when I have something good going on in my life.
Always feeling like a second class citizen in the family. Never living up to their expectations. Not wanting to be the dutiful daughter anymore and wanting to make my own choices and living the life that I want.
And it doesn’t include covering myself up from the neck down. My boobs were no longer up for discussion. If they can’t be happy that I am still willing to be apart of the family than so be it. And that went for her as well.
I laid it all out if she can’t support me against my parents then I would have to cut her out too. I also mentioned how being cut out of Christmas because of my “stunt” at the wedding was uncalled for.
I told her if she wants to side with mom and dad that’s fine but I will no longer accept toxic behavior. We are all grown ups and should act that way. No more involving people into family drama. She agreed. She said she would talk to mom and dad on my behalf because as of right now I am blocked by them.
My brother on the other hand decided to be petty he’s planning a family Easter get together and is going to invite everyone except my parents. He might go over there in the morning to see them and talk some sense into them but he’s not holding his breath on them realizing their mistakes.
So as of right now I have both siblings on my side but we will see for how long that lasts. If I have a blow out with my parents in the future I will update. But as of right now I guess this is all I can give.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s first update:
Mmmm… don’t be so sure about your sister. She may tell her parents what’s going on. Or give into them. Best to have a plan ready in case they rock up at Easter.
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and reclaiming your dignity from your bully parents and, by extension, your siblings. They have treated you horribly, and now it's time for them to pay the piper.
Here's a suggestion for you going forward. For your brother's Easter celebration, instead of not inviting your parents go ahead and invite them. Then, when they get there, give them the silent treatment they have been giving you. That way, they can't target you to blame for not inviting them. They can be mad at all 3 of you for treating them the way they deserve to be treated. Good luck to you.
I say invite them to Easter but wear the deepest cut top you’re comfortable in, let the girls come out and play! Congrats on the weight-loss!! and setting boundaries, your parents need to stop smothering you and treating you like a child. Updateme!
Three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
I’m done with my parents. For real I.. AM.. DONE! I was hoping to have an update for you guys after Easter and well it happened sooner then expected. I’m shaking while I write this for you lovely potato’s get the vodka shots, tea, or whatever you need to get through this drama with me.
My parents have gone off the deep end. They are trying to convince me to move into a facility for mentally and physically disabled people. ( on top of the PCOs diagnoses I got at 13 I was also born with spina bifida I didn’t mention it in my previous post because I didn’t think it was relevant but apparently it is).
They came over to my apartment yesterday under the guise of wanting to work out things from the wedding 8 months ago. It went as well as you’d expect they ackowledged that what they asked of me at the wedding was out of line and I thought that was the end of it.
WRONG! Towards the end of their visit they pulled out some documents for me to read. On the top it was a form to make them my medical proxy and in the event of their deaths my sister would become my medical proxy.
When I flipped the page to read more of the document I saw a pamphlet for a group home facility tucked neatly in the middle I picked up the pamphlet and read it out loud to them. They looked at me expected me to agree right away.
They forget I am no longer their dutiful daughter,I chuckled and flung the pamphlet across the table. How dare they! I was so angry I told them to take their paper work and leave. They looked as though I stabbed them in the back repeatedly.
They tried explaining to me that once they are gone I won’t have anyone to take care of me. I told them I have my boyfriend of 5 years and my brother and sister if I needed help. I don’t need a facility. I’ve been living on my own for 20 years.
I don’t need help. I’ve done a pretty good job of living on my own and doing things for myself. I pay my bills on time and never once been evicted. The only medical emergency I’ve had in the last 20 years is when I had a gull bladder attack and I called 911.
They just kept saying we are looking out for you. How long do you expect your “boyfriend” to stay once he realizes how much it takes to take care of you. They down played my relationship like it was just a phase in my life.
To be clear it is not a phase he asked me to move in with him at the end of April. Which my parents have no idea about because well, we haven’t been on speaking terms in 8 months. I told them firmly to leave or I would be calling the cops on them for trespassing.
They were no longer my parents and to leave immediately. My mom was crying my dad looked like he wanted to bury me 8 feet under my floor. They left without another word but left the paper work on my table.
In a fit of rage I tore up the papers and threw them in the trash, I was blaring music and throwing things into boxes when my brother and sister came into my apartment, I guess They got frantic calls from our parents saying I lost my mind and they were afraid I might do something stupid.
I guess my parents didn’t shut my front door all the way so when they showed up and heard the music blaring they honestly thought I was doing something dumb. I didn’t see them coming in so when I noticed my brother and sister standing at my bedroom door I screamed like a banshee and threw a book at my brothers head.
After realizing it was just my siblings I walked over to them and hugged them both tightly. After the hugs my brother asked me what was wrong. Without any words I walked over to the trash can and pulled out the paper work I threw out and showed him.The first words spoken were from my sister.
She said she knew they were controlling but this was a whole new level. My brother ever the rock to us siblings who I will refer to as Zeus turned me towards him and told me we will fight this together. What started as a debate over a damn dress had now escalated to this disaster.
My sister who i will call Athena stood strong beside me and was giving me reassuring shoulder squeezes. My brother advised me to speak to a lawyer just incase my parents escalate in sending the cops or adult protective services to my home, I wouldn’t be worried if I didn’t think my parents weren’t capable but I’m not so sure anymore.
Athena in the mean time told me to get all my medical records updated to show that my spina bifida hasn’t worsened to a significant degree. We also came up with a plan to get my therapist to write a note saying I am of sound mind and I am not a risk to myself or others.
My siblings also advised me to move in with my boyfriend sooner than planned. So the plan is to move in this weekend with my boyfriend. To say my boyfriend was pissed not about me moving in with him sooner but what my parents tried to pull, I had to spend 30 minutes on the phone with him so he wouldn’t go on a rampage.
He was so pissed when I mentioned how my parents described our relationship. I could tell he was on the verge of exploding. He also gave me an idea to get an IQ TEST done so I can prove I’m not as disabled as my parents will try and claim I am to put me into a facility.
After a few hours and making lists of all the things I needed to get in order my brother decided it would be best if he stayed the night to protect me in case officials showed up at my door.
And to all who is wondering my brother is no longer inviting my parents to Easter at his house. As of this morning he and I both cut our parents off. He had a long drawn out conversation with them on speaker so I can hear when he confronted them about what they did to me.
Let’s just say my parents think they are in the right and that I just don’t understand their concern. I understand completely. They want me to be locked away so they can portray the perfect image which I apparently do not fit into.
As for my sister I’m not asking my sister to cut my parents off,that will be her decision but I am no longer comfortable being in their presence. As of now I am still invited to Easter with my brother and his kids and maybe some cousins and aunts and uncles but, it’s still up in the air if I will attend. Because knowing my parents they will most likely crash the party and make a scene.
Update: not even 24 hours from this post more has happened I didn’t feel like making yet another freaking post but, apparently my parents are calling all the aunts and uncles and telling them a distorted form of events that happened from the other night.
They are telling people in the family that they believe I am in the middle of a psychotic break and need to be locked away for my safety. My aunt the one from the wedding called my brother and asked if he had spoken to me in recent days. He said yes and that he spent the night at my place.
She asked if I was ok “ mentally wise” he was confused but quickly realized what was happening. He told her the whole story and not some skewed view of what happened. It made me realize this is a pattern with my parents.
When I stood up to them at the wedding they took it as an act of rebellion to their rule “ like they are the king and queen of the world.” Like I said before I used to be weak willed and shy a recovering people pleasure if you will.
So I just went along with whatever my parents said so it didnt end up being a bigger deal than it had to be. Now that they are cut off by two of their children they want to go scorched earth and try and get family on their side yet again.
Now that she got the full picture of the control issues of my parents she decided to make a group chat thread of all the relatives that have been witness to this behavior. I’ve been fielding messages left and right all morning of cousins and aunts and uncles asking me how long this has been going on and I had to admit it’s been happening my whole life.
Showing examples of how they would tell me I could go on field trips out of state then at last minute I was grounded for whatever and wasn’t allowed to go, how I couldn’t dress how I wanted, how I wasn’t allowed to talk about any of my accomplishments in life, how whenever I gave a little push back and made decisions for myself it was the end of the world.
And the kicker was when I finally moved out of their house. I saved for 6 months and moved in with my friends. Their argument “ do you honestly think they will want to take on your medical baggage”.
To say my aunts and uncles and cousins were appalled was an understatement. My uncle who never gets involved in drama spoke the loudest in the group chat and said he always noticed how tightly wrapped they had me as a kid but never knew the full extent and now he’s livid with us sister (‘my mother).
I understand keeping me safe but now it’s become an obsession with control and now that it is slipping away they are going the worst possible route. They don’t see me as a human they see me as a possession. And I am beyond pissed off.
I have decided that this is it. If they want to try and portray me as a feeble minded useless person I’m going to fight it every step of the way. I know now that they will never stop trying to paint me as the one tearing the family apart. IM DONE. I guess I have to add Defamation lawsuit to the list of things I have to do.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s final update:
I am so sorry. They are insane. If it’s not on the list, change your phone number. Also, when you do a change of address, do it to a PO Box so they won’t know where you live. If they continue to try and harass you, talk to an attorney.
I just don’t understand. Like what reality are her parents living in, because it’s not ours. I specifically loved the part of:
"How long do you expect your “boyfriend” to stay once he realizes how much it takes to take care of you."
Ummm. They’ve been together for 5 years. If he hasn’t figured that out by now, then I’m not sure he ever will. And what exactly do they mean when they say “how much it takes to take care of you”.
They’re talking about OP like she’s non verbal, in a wheelchair full time, and doesn’t have use of her arms or legs. Call me crazy, but OP seems like a pretty self sufficient, grown ass woman. This whole thing is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Why are they so obsessed with having a disabled/defective daughter?
That went from boob shaming to full on insanity. Also i am not convinced the golden sister is fully on OP's side, i recommend still being careful around her. OP needs to fill out paperwork for POA/medical proxy to be her BF or someone not the parents/sister. And explicitly barring her parents. And if they forge something then get the law involved.
Also not sure how it works where OP is but around here you can't sign away your rights in that manner. First if you are not competent then you can't sign your rights away at all (the court decides guardianship based on capacity assessments by a third party if it ever got to that.)
Second, if you are competent and conscious then no one can overrule your right to make medical decisions even if you sign paperwork. The only way this would work for the parents is if the OP was unconscious and never regained consciousness.