BF's mom throws a fit when his GF refuses to stop signing for deaf mother. AITA?
"AITA for using ASL when my bf mother was talking during dinner at a restaurant? And charging her for the meal?"
I (20F) and my bf (23) have been seeing each other for 4 months. We’ve been hitting it off really well and though I had reservations about meeting his family so soon, I managed to get along with his two younger sisters and his dad but his mom doesn’t really like me.
I met them for the first time over dinner at his parents' place and though everything was fine the mom let me know about the type of expectations she had for the gf of her only son.
She was plenty friendly over the meal but when she started crying and freaking out about the daddy long leg spider in the corner of the room it was really weird. My own mother and my roommate are similar about their uncomfortableness abound bugs but the weird part was how nobody else reacted to her doing that.
Spiders, especially daddy long legs, are not aggressive: since this particular spider isn’t venomous and how I’m not afraid of insects I quickly grabbed it with my hands, tossed it, washed my hands and sat back down at the table.
After an awkward silence his mom was upset at me for touching it and told me that it’s up to the men to do dirty work like that following up with “if you come and visit more often maybe we could help you with that”.
I responded with a sarcastic “I’m sure you would” to which one of the sisters giggled. His mom then said that if I have a problem I should handle it like an adult.
After that interaction I haven’t been to his parents place since. But kind of abruptly, my parents that live two towns over were passing through my town for work. I told my bf this and said that if he’s interested and able we can have a sit down with them for dinner.
He was excited and suggested we go to a local restaurant. I came to the place with my parents since he told me he would meet me there later and I was shocked to see that he had also brought his mother and one of his sisters.
Fortunately my parents were pleasantly surprised about this but I was not, I privately asked my bf why he brought his mom and sister without telling me he said that he was too nervous to meet them alone and his mom happened to run into him after picking up his sister from practice and it slipped out.
I introduced my parents to my bf, his mother and sister, my mother is deaf as a result of an accident when I was little. Though she is good at lip reading, I also sign while I talk just to be helpful.
My bf’s mother was initially confused of the hand movements and once I explained to her that it was to help communicate to my deaf mother she thought that it was funny and neat.
Once seated I continued to sign to my mom about what everyone was saying. This included what the waiter said and things she missed because she wasn’t looking. My bf said that his mom was wondering if I have to really throw my arms around when I’m signing to my mother as it was distracting and was making a scene at such a nice location.
I think my brain went stop. Hold. Rebooting. For me to come out with a “what..?” My mom was seated across the table from me next to his sister in order for her to see me directly. I gave him and his mom the benefit of the doubt and thought ‘oh she must just be concerned that I’m gonna knock something over and then make a small scene’ I told him that she doesn’t need to worry about it.
Already hearing my response she whispered to my bf who in turn leaned to me saying that she wasn't talking about the movements in general, she doesn’t care about small ones but the big ones are a bit much.
Some signs you do require additional movement such as leaning and faster and bigger hand and arm movement and if you don’t do it like that it could have a different meaning. I said no I won’t do that since it’s not fair to my mom.
I saw his mother leaning to him to say something to which I yanked him away from her and just said “why are you leaning to him? I’m right here” she said “I’m whispering to avoid making your mother uncomfortable”, “she’s deaf she can’t hear you”.
She again asked me if I could not do my movements so big and I tried to explain to her that signing is precise and could be confusing if it isn’t done not properly. “I thought you said she could read lips?” “She can but it can be hard still so I sign, like when you put subtitles on for a movie”.
I could see she still wasn’t satisfied with my response and only wanted to hear me agree to not do it anymore. Fortunately his sister was taking my side and trying to explain to her that it’s just how it is, starting a argument between them that turned into a yelling match.
I asked my bf if he could just ask his mother to leave since this was originally meant for us and my parents. Which he was upset about but did, when his mom asked why she had to leave I said it was because she was making a big scene at such a nice place.
After she left I continued the dinner with my parents and my bf (sister went with mom) and we had a really nice time. When the bill showed up it was expensive and though my bf and I shared a meal since I wasn’t that hungry and my parents did the same it was due to bf’s extra company. My bf payed for his mother himself and sister while I payed for myself and my parents.
On our (bf and me) way back to my place he talked to me about what happened during dinner and apologized for not sticking up for me more and how he’ll talk to his mom later. I said that that would be great and jokingly said also ask her to pay for her food. When he called her I could hear him getting angry and upset.
After what seemed like half an hour he came into the bedroom looking drained. He told me after she and his sister left she called the rest of his family and told them that I was purposefully making her uncomfortable and because I don’t like her I turned her son against her.
I initially laughed because I was stupefied at what she was doing but he continued to say that his mom also blames me for the now huge rift between her and the sister that was with us and demands that I apologize to her for embarrassing her in the restaurant and to talk to the daughter.
I told him I need a break from his mother for a while and said “so that’s a no on her paying you back for the dinner?” My bf was a little upset at my joke and said I don’t make this easy either and that I’m not completely innocent in this situation.
I told him that was bs since he was the one that brought her in the first place without telling me and she was the one that escalated things with me and his sister. He ultimately agrees that his mom is acting immature but says I’m an a**hole for instigating and having her leave instead of finishing the dinner with her and just planning a different dinner with my parents. So am I the a**%ole?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
No way , all you were doing was helping your mother. You couldn’t have handled the situation better.
His mother is actively discriminating against someone with a disability.... its messed up.And he's defending her. Are you sure he's the type of man you want to stay with? He was okay with making you stop, effectively cutting off your mothers lifeline to the conversation. Did his mom yell at the waiter too? Seems like she likes power.
OP, think long, and hard if this man is worth the drama your life will have with him, and his mom in it. He didn't defend you, he defended her for discrimination against your mom.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. First and foremost, you have a BF problem. He surprised you in a bad way by bringing his mom. He allowed her to be an AH toward you including trying to get you to stop signing to your mom.
That would be like asking someone whose mom doesn't speak English to stop translating for her. The point of the meal, originally, was for you and your BF to have dinner with your parents.
Your BF was tacitly supporting his mother's efforts to exclude your mother from the conversation. At a meal that his mother wasn't invited to attend. You need a much better BF. This one doesn't deserve you.