'AITA for stealing back a baby shower gift?' UPDATED
"AITA for stealing back a baby shower gift?"
Sufficient_Top7942
This is all still fresh and now I guess I am having second thoughts. My (26f) friend (26f) and I have known each other since nursery. When she got dumped for the first time, I was the one she called. When her father passed away, I helped her with the legal side of the funeral.
When an ex stole from her I took her to the police station and convinced my parents to let her stay with us until a new door was installed (he kicked it in). I was also the one that turned up on her door at 2 a.m when she spontaneously lost her child late term, despite the lockdowns.
I helped her clean up the after. Her then bf (now husband) was abroad and couldn't come home immediately due to Covid restrictions. I also stayed with her after she was released from hospital until he arrived.
We were always close, or so I thought. After Covid she started a new job and hung out with a crowd that I don't have anything in common with. They are more of a going out and drinking and less going out and climbing type. So I met her every other weekend which then turned into every third weekend and in the end it became a once a month thing.
I didn't mind. People grow and get new interests, but she always said that I would be her best friend no matter who else entered her life. So naturally I was maid of honor at her wedding.
"Shocked" doesn't cover it when I found out she was pregnant and I was the last to know, she told me at the five month mark, and only because I asked her due to weight gain. However, I thought the trauma and the fact that I was there last time made her have some negative feelings about telling me so I put it behind me.
I called a few of her new friends when she was 7 months to arrange a baby shower for her as she had, over the years, shared exactly what she had envisioned for it. A number of them replied and said she didn't want a baby shower and that people were going to drop of gifts at her place on Thursday evening (this week gone). She is 8 months.
I phoned her and asked if she really didn't want a baby shower and she confirmed as much. She told me to just drop off the gifts. She asked me if I was still good for paying for the crib and accessories for it as we had agreed upon for her first pregnancy. I said yes.
Thursday I dropped off the crib and other stuff, but her mother answered. Telling me not to contact her before next week as she wasn't going to be in. I found it odd as, at this point, she was in her 8th month and should have been resting.
Some friends texted me what I was doing Friday evening. Some of them I hadn't been in touch with for a while. On a hunch, I went to her place on Friday evening, under the guise of giving her a small gift I had forgotten to give her.
Her front door was decorated and there was music playing at her house. I had to bang on the door before someone finally came and opened it. It was her mother again and she looked bothered by my presence. She asked me what I was doing there and told me my friend was out.
I pushed past her and found her sitting in her living room surrounded by her new friend groups and some of our mutual friends too. I turned to her mother who had followed me and said she is here to which this dumb witch replied, "oh she must have just popped back in!" Like WTF! So, I left.
Yesterday, I went by her house and she allowed me in and tried to explain that the baby shower was not really my scene and she was trying to spare me from coming to it. It was all for my own good. I didn't buy it and kept pushing her. In the end, she confessed that her new friends weren't very fond of me and they didn't want me to be there.
I told her to f off and told her that I hoped she would lose this baby too and then get her new friends to clean up after. I then packed the crib and other stuff into my car and drove off.
She has been texting me about it since yesterday. A few of our mutual friends that were present at the baby shower have phoned me too, but I didn't answer their calls.
My brothers found it funny, but my parents told me I was being petty for taking back the gift as, in our culture and religion, you never take back gifts, even if you no longer want to be friends with that person.
My mother even went as far as saying that I shamed myself by my behaviour as she has now most likely told all our friend group. If I am indeed the AH, I will go back with the gift and apologize.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
DifficultHeat1803
I have a feeling your “alleged friend” was smack talking you to her new friends. Saying you hope her baby dies is terrible. Apologize or not. Just stop communicating with her and be honest with your mutual friends. I highly recommend you have zero contact in the future with your false friend.
TenderCactus410
I agree. Apologize…or not. To me that’s the only thing you did wrong. Sorry she and your other “friends” treated you like that.
Adventurous_Basis280
You weren’t the asshole until you said you hoped she lost the baby. They you moved into ESH territory. It sucks when friends let you down, but wishing that on someone is never ok.
Fit_Marionberry_3878
ESH for your comment about the baby dying. That’s pretty bad. I’d probably forget the friendship after that comment. Miscarriage is traumatic and you went to a no go zone.
She’s the asshole for being a user and not just saying she outgrew your friendship. I’d not return the gift and just move out from your old friend group. Try to make some new friends because they all duped you.
Murky_Action7415
ESH. She clearly was hiding the party from you without being an adult and discussing. She sucked for lying and not being mature. You sucked when you told her you hoped she’s lose the baby.
But, I would take back the gift if I were you. She was clearly only wanting that from you and that tells a lot (“are you still good to grab the crib for me?”). She knew you’d pay, and she knew she didn’t have to invite you and it still worked out to her benefit.
6 days later, the OP returned with an update:
Sufficient_Top7942
A number of people wanted an update on my situation and I can't get back to that many individually. I contacted two of the mutual friends who were invited and had a long talk with them, as they left voice and chat messages for me wanting to talk. I got good advice from readers and it seems some of you caught something I was being naive to. I was being used. These two mutual friends confirmed as much.
The reason the mutual friends had contacted me wondering about my plans was for me to catch on that something was happening without directly telling me because then they would have to break their word to her. They admitted it was a childish way to go about it instead of talking to me directly.
Her new group of friends held it against me that she had canceled plans to go out with them at the last minute to hang out with me when their friendship was new. After the first few times, she always chose them over me as they have more in common.
They also seem to be rather immature according to our mutual friends, but they hang out with them as they are ok to be around if you want to have a good time. She is more of a party girl than me, and our mutual friends said she wanted me to stick around so she could call in favors.
She had confessed as much to them, calling me the reliable homely aunt for her soon to be born baby. She even said that once the baby was older she could leave this or other babies with me so she could have more time to travel, have "her time" and enjoy date nights.
Not wanting to believe them blindly, I did phone her to apologize, but she was more concerned about the crib and other gifts than wanting to mutually apologize for her behavior.
She said she was hurt and would only forgive me if I pre agreed to babysit for her once she was able to have fun. I asked her why she wouldn't rely on her new group for that, since she clearly preferred them.
She said "silly" they are not the reliable motherly types. She told me if I didn't agree then she would be very cross with me. That ticked me off as it felt like she was scolding me like a child. I hung up.
I did ask her about her mother in the beginning of the conversation, wondering why I was being treated that way when I helped her during her husband's (my friend's father) funeral.
She said that her mother was hurt by my rejection of her brother and she agreed that I could do no better than her brother. She said she was hurt that I didn't want to be her "friend in law". She was hoping that I would be closer to her family if I married into her family, but instead I had turned him down and he still held a flame for me.
She said we are both outdoor types, so she felt insulted that I turned him down because that meant I thought he was ugly. She has since left me a few messages wondering when I will come back with the crib but I blocked her last night.
I guess that is it. I have booked an appointment with a therapist to figure out who I am as after some self reflection I seem to get drawn to people who abuse my kindness and I take it on the chin.
I have also cut off contact with other mutual friends that did attend and never contacted me. The two that did I might cut off too. But I have to think it through to see if it would be beneficial for me long term.
I need to start thinking of myself and my future. To think I dumped a decent guy a few years back because she put ideas about him in my head and was very needy during that time, so I had very little time for developing my own relationships.
My mother apologised and she says that, despite feeling bad about what people might say, she understood it hurt me to not be supported by her. My older brother says not to be too hard on her due to our culture, but to not let others walk all over me.
As he says, I have people pleasing tendencies. He said I should have put my foot down with my friend years ago and that he tried to hint as much but I was not ready to hear it.
Crib and some clothes has already been given away, although I still have some of the newborn stuff. One of our mutual friends that did go to the party suggested I donate it to the hospital as there are probably new mothers who would appreciate the help.
For all of you who kept having a go at me for my words.....I didn't actually want her to lose her baby. It came out all wrong due to my emotional state....maybe you do have the moral high ground and always watch what you say, but I doubt it. Take care all.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
OceanBreeze_123
OP as painful as it was to find out who she really was (what an awful person!) it’s a great thing you got the answer. She thinks after she has the baby her new party friends will still be hanging out with her the next few years… boy is she in for a shock lol.
Your comment to her was in the heat of moment, of course you didn’t wish ill harm. Not buying her “you rejected my brother” excuse. She gave a twisted version to her mother solely so you wouldn’t be invited. The two friends who reached out to you sound like good friends. As well as your family supporting you now. Best of luck in your future OP!
matchamagpie
OP's friend is a user but the rest of them don't seem much better. She needs new friends.
notaninterestingcat
I always want to know what culture people are referring to when they say stuff like "in my culture"... Because, it's usually something like letting people walk all over you.
Also, OP was TA for saying what she did.
Mobile_Prune_3207
I have to be honest that I wouldn't trust your mutual friends either. They went along with it, remember. They might have given you an extremely cryptic clue (so they claim), but that was it.
Sufficient_Top7942 OP responded:
I haven't forgiven them yet. Just thinking to clear my head in therapy so I don't make a mistake I will regret. They could have acted better, but I could have acted better too. At the moment I am keeping them at a distance.
pronthrowaway12734
It can be disheartening to feel so betrayed by someone you thought you knew. Hopefully she sees this as losing a leech, not losing a friend. Also, hot damn she said some out of pocket stuff. Understandably, but JESUS.