Husband with OCD refuses to let family anywhere near their newborn baby, wife says 'this isn't healthy.' UPDATE
"My (35f) husband (36m) wants to keep everyone away once our baby is born, including my mother."
TAnotanincubator
Even before I got pregnant, my husband has always been very concerned with the safety of our children. We've had conflict over the year about it, mostly due to how he chooses to handle the conversations about such decisions.
He will, from my perspective, come out of the blue with a hard line statement (e.g. "We're not doing X with the baby ever," or "I don't want Y to happen until they're such-and-such age"), and then he characterizes any questioning on my end as fighting him.
I want to be on the same page with parenting choices, so it feels wrong not to even ask his reasons or to provide counterpoints when it seems like he's being a bit extreme and not really considering the whole picture.
His opinions in this area usually involve something that I have to do differently, and he will misrepresent any resistance as unwillingness to sacrifice for our child the way he would.
I am currently 35 weeks pregnant, and last night when we were watching TV my husband just randomly stated that he didn't want anyone visiting the baby until she is six weeks old. I asked if that included my mother, and he said it did.
When I asked his reasons, he mentioned germs and safety, so I looked up some advice from doctors online (which just advised caution with out of town guests, and to set boundaries for contact) and he said I was only doing that to prove him wrong.
I said I'd like to ask our midwife, and he said that I was just using that to stall and get my own way since the appointment isn't until next week. I asked him why safety is a concern once the baby is born, but he's apparently fine with my mom being in the room during the birth itself, and apparently this is just...different?
The conversation eventually came to a standstill and we paused it for the night. He left the room and texted me a lot of negative things, but nothing was really out of line until he said that he'd do anything for our child so why am I not willing to just do what he asks?
This is something I've called him out for more than once, presenting himself as some martyr and me as a villain who won't put her child first. This is completely and verifiably untrue, but he doesn't care when he's been questioned. I spent a long time after we went to bed trying to empathize with his feelings and think about a middle ground.
We picked up where we left off this afternoon, and he explained he handled it badly because he didn't realize how little margin he had last night, but he didn't change his opinion at all.
I offered to compromise by keeping the baby isolated for the entirety of his time off (2.5 weeks PTO, since he doesn't get paternity leave), and when he goes back to work I'll have my mom come by now and then to help me out.
She won't stay the night and she will respect whatever boundaries we set, even to the point of keeping a change of clothes for her at the apartment so she doesn't bring in outside germs. I asked him not to choose, just to take time to consider it.
He rejected this immediately and said I was trying to force his hand when he only wanted to keep the baby safe. I reminded him that not only did I not find any information supporting his view on complete isolation, but my mom especially is very respectful of boundaries and rules regarding other people's children.
He brought up several issues with my family that mostly were due to him not actually stating a boundary but expecting them to follow it. I also reminded him that I've bent over backwards to make sure he felt acknowledged as an equal parent and that I don't just tell him how things are going to be. He didn't have much to say to that.
The conversation kind of went around and around, he started getting dismissive and a bit mean, I started raising my voice, etc. We both left the room, but when he returned, he said he was tired of the conflict and just agreed to the compromise on the condition of my mom not kissing the baby, which I had already reassured him of.
This would be fine, except that I know this will come up again, and he is going to complain about being railroaded and that he just gets beaten down when all he wants is what is best for the baby. It may be pride on my part, but I have next to no tolerance for people trying to manipulate me by twisting a situation like that.
I'm not some monster that forced his hand, I actually spent time thinking about his feelings and tried to prioritize him as a father. Anyway, I was angry, so I was a bit spiteful and just told him either actually spend time thinking on the compromise or we will just do whatever he wants because I'm over the argument. He doubled down on being a victim and went to work, and I'm just angry and over it.
A few bits for clarity that I couldn't fit in:
TAnotanincubator
This is a low risk pregnancy, no issues with the baby thus far, and no reason to suspect premature birth. So the safety concerns are not for a baby that is any more at risk than the average.
He keeps the same energy with his own family, including his mom. He doesn't want ANYONE outside of us to be around the baby for that time, and he clarified that he isn't keeping my mom away out of fairness either.
I told him while I understand the desire for safety, I really need my mom for emotional support. I am already showing signs of perinatal depression and anxiety. It is not to a level of real concern yet, but I have no idea how birth will affect me, and a big part of why my symptoms aren't as bad right now is because my mom is around so often.
He basically spent the rest of the conversation saying he already knew that, but now he can't rely on me or trust me because I don't know how I'll handle things mentally. He also said he didn't understand why I needed her there because he would already do everything even while he's working, and implied that I don't really have to do much because he'd be there.
I don't think he means that last part the way he said it, but it was still uncalled for. My husband and my mom get along quite well. The worst thing he's ever said about my mom is just that she didn't seem to want to chat with him one morning. There has never been any conflict between them, so I don't think its about my mom at all.
A lot of issues like this come up due to his OCD. I am flexible enough as a person to handle the intricacies of the disorder, but I really struggle with being both sympathetic and also not a doormat when it comes to how he chooses to communicate and handle his feelings.
He can't help how he feels about this, but I think it's reasonable to expect him to be respectful when he communicates with me about those feelings.
A lot of his safety/wellness concerns come from his own past. He and his brother were born prematurely and have lasting health problems due to his father being a source of stress and abusive towards his mother.
Many of the things he wants to do for our child are a direct correlation to things his parents didn't do for him, or things he didn't get that a child deserves to have. That's why this issue is so delicate.
This is not an everyday issue. He is usually very supportive of me and does care about my feelings. It's just when he gets something in his mind that bothers him, he puts me to the side and refuses to reconsider because he's now correlated his own issue to the safety of the baby and it's nonnegotiable.
I genuinely feel at a loss. Am I being unreasonable here? I don't think it would be right for me as a parent to not ask questions when he makes a decision that affects the family. I want him to care about what is best for me as well as what is best for the baby, and not essentially tell me to get over it and to make sacrifices like him, but I feel like I'm already doing that.
How can I be respectful of his feelings as an active father but also not leave myself without extra support? How can I help him understand that the health of the mother affects the health of the baby?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this first post:
rthrouw1234
He needs therapy, badly. Maybe this is due to OCD but it's manifesting as abusive control and emotional manipulation.
Edit: this, specifically, is chilling to me:
"I told him while I understand the desire for safety, I really need my mom for emotional support. I am already showing signs of perinatal depression and anxiety."
"It is not to a level of real concern yet, but I have no idea how birth will affect me, and a big part of why my symptoms aren't as bad right now is because my mom is around so often."
"He basically spent the rest of the conversation saying he already knew that, but now he can't rely on me or trust me because I don't know how I'll handle things mentally."
AuntyVenom
What's he doing to manage his OCD outside of being unreasonable with you, when you will be post-partum and in dire need of emotional support? Of course you're focused on this one incident, but consider how this is going to play out as your child gets older.
What kind of emotional damage is he going to do to your child as they start growing up and taking the natural risks that go along with it?
>> said I'd like to ask our midwife, and he said that I was just using that to stall and get my own way since the appointment isn't until next week.
He needs to be at this appointment so the midwife can set him straight. His argument here is nonsensical.
The OP responded here:
TAnotanincubator
He's come a long way from when we met as far as handling his OCD, mostly due to me confronting him about it in the past. But outside of me giving him alternative methods to cope, he's not gotten significant help for it.
This is a concern I've brought up to him before, that he'd damage his child emotionally while trying to protect them physically. I know it's serious, and it is something I obviously need to address again. I plan to push individual therapy for both of us.
trishsf
I strongly suggest you two go to couples therapy with a family therapist. It’s not okay that he expects you to blindly fall in line with every random rule he sets up. This isn’t going to end with just this expectation. I get being cautious but kids and babies need to be exposed to germs. It develops their immune system.
I really think you need to get help now. If not and you give in it sets a very bad precedent. You absolutely need your mother there. Seriously. They hand you a human and off you go. And. Congratulations!
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: My (35f) husband (36m) wants to keep everyone away once our baby is born, including my mother"
TAnotanincubator
I want to thank everyone who commented for their support and advice. It was really important for me to think on how I needed to step up for my child and address my husband's problematic behaviors before they go too far. I want them to have the best of both parents, and that can't happen without me being proactive when he gets panicked and controlling.
I took some time away with my mom after posting here the other day, and I shared our conversation with her. She was understandably angry and worried for me. She assured me that she and my father will always be there to step in if he doesn't get himself together.
I ended up showing her my post and the comments, and she was glad that other people recognized how unhealthy this situation is. She did say I seem a lot more demure in my writing than I am in real life.
So I wanted to clarify that though I was conflicted about how to handle things with my husband, I was coming from a place of feeling guilty for possibly being selfish rather than actually considering just doing ridiculous things simply because he demands it.
I am not conflict-averse, but I like to compromise when I can to avoid the trouble. This is obviously one of those areas where compromise cannot be made in favor of his fear. I understand that now, and I thought very hard on how to approach our resolution to this issue.
He asked to resolve things yesterday. He began by explaining that his demand had come from a place of being absolutely overwhelmed, but that wasn't an excuse to act the way he did. He backed off of the ultimatum completely.
He said he wants what is best for the baby and for me, and that he would just like people visiting to observe basic boundaries that I had already reassured him would be followed to the letter. He apologized unreservedly for his behavior, and said he was so worried because he knew if anything bad happened to his child, it would just break him.
I was really affected by a lot of the comments and I tried to keep your advice in mind when I responded. When he was finished, I told him I understood that he was coming ultimately from a place of concern, but he needs to consider how this attitude will affect his child in the future. It won't just magically disappear, it will continue unless he decides to get help.
I told him he needs to weigh the importance of his child's mental health at least as equal to their physical health, and I asked him how different he thought his own life would be now if both of his parents had gotten therapy.
I also told him his father probably felt a similarly concerned about him and his brother, but that made him miserable and vindictive, and they've been fully NC because of that for decades now. I think that part really got to him, honestly.
He said he doesn't want to be anything like his father, so I told him the solution is therapy for him and reminded him that I am also planning to go to therapy so I can give our child the best of myself.
He waffled a bit about it, saying he had already planned to go again but had put it on the back burner for the sake of taking care of medical needs so he could continue to provide. Normally I would have let this go, but I pressed him and said our child deserves for him to prioritize this sooner rather than later, and he needs to go in the next month or so.
He agreed to this, and I felt that he was too stressed to handle me rehashing every detail where he messed up, so I prioritized the necessary information.
I believe this made an impression on him, and I will be continuing to push him to get help and to learn better ways of handling his OCD. I don't think he will, but if he regresses, at least I have my family close by to support me and they will intervene if needed. Thank you again for all of your help.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update from the OP:
camebacklate
This is a great update. I would press that he needs to ver back into therapy ASAP. If he doesn't, it will be easy to continue to push it because of things going on in your lives. He definitely needs to be in therapy before the baby comes at the very least. I would also recommend couple's counseling. It will allow you two to be better at communicating and for the counselor to not let things get pushed to the side.
The OP responded here:
TAnotanincubator
We had some meaningful success with couples counseling a few years ago, but at the time we couldn't afford to pay the therapist what she was worth. We have definitely considered going back to her though.
UKNZ007Tubbs
All I can say is I hope and pray that nothing happens during that period of time (I am on OPs side, I think her husband needs serious therapy, and that his reactions are not healthy) because regardless of what it is, he will bring it back to his (completely irrational) ultimatum and make your life miserable for it.
alohell
I have OCD. I just want to make sure you and he are open to medication if his therapist thinks he should be referred to a psychiatrist. Medication has been an incredible help for some of my OCD issues. Good luck, and I’m so glad for you that he is willing to get help!
mr-rochester-h8-acct
Person with OCD here—this is all well and good, but your husband needs to take proactive steps to get his disorder under control before the baby is here. In an ideal scenario, he would have been in therapy since before you guys decided to have a baby, but anything is better than nothing. You need to set a hard deadline here—ex. “You’re going to find a therapist before the week is out.”
Why do I say this? Because in five weeks, your lives are going to be blown apart. Having a baby is pretty much the most major change a person can go through, no matter how welcome and wonderful it might be. And OCD, as a rule, does not do well with big changes.
So if he doesn’t get it under control now, he’s gonna backslide hard when the baby’s actually here. It is so, so easy to embrace unhealthy coping mechanisms when you feel out of control. For everyone’s sake—his, yours, the baby’s—he needs to get help. It is totally OK for you to be firm about that.