Scared of operating rooms, man refuses to be with his wife before C-section. AITA?
AITA for not staying with my wife during her c-section even after she asked?
I don't like the operating room and, at some points of my life, hospital. When my ex-wife had her c-section, she had a complication and hovered between life and death for a long time. It was a horrible experience to feel so helpless.
Currently, I deal with this in therapy, several things have improved, but going into an operating room is a big no-no for me. When my ex had our second child, I was very nervous and she asked me to wait outside the operating room.
When my current wife and I decided to try to have children, I made it very clear that I didn't care what her choice of delivery was, but c-section I would not enter, but that I would stay by her side at all times except for operation. She agreed and eventually became pregnant.
She decided in the middle of the pregnancy that it would be a c-section and I said that was fine, but I remembered my limitation. She understood and invited her mother to take my place.
On the day of the surgery, before she had an c-section, she asked me to come in with her, because she wanted a moment of our own.
I apologized, but that this was my limit and that I couldn't. She said 'Fine, I'll go with my mother then' and had a crying face. I tried talking to her but to no avail and my MIL kept looking at me disguting.
Anyway, I don't think I would have been a help, because I was very nervous and it definitely wouldn't have helped at all inside the operating room.
Everything went well and our daughter was born beautiful and healthy. I was already at the exit of the operating room waiting for them and I didn't leave their side.
Later, when we were alone, my wife said that I abandoned her at a vulnerable time and left her alone when she needed me most. I tried talking to her, but she said that now we need to focus on our daughter, but that she was disappointed in me as a partner.
Apparently my MIL told family members what I did and I'm being criticized.
My wife and I have only talked about the baby and this has been going on for a week now.
AITA?
Extra: In the case of my ex, it was a c-section in parts mandatory (the first no, the second yes) and my wife's elective. Yes, in my country, c-section can be a choice, as long as the pregnant woman is aware of the risks.
Here's a selection of comments from the discussion.
YTA. So many teenage incels posting about “boundaries.” She’s your wife, you made vows “in sickness and in health.” Guess what, this falls under the former category. Childbirth is scary. Perfectly healthy women can die. I know athletes in their 20s who ended up in the ICU from childbirth complications.
I guarantee that none of the NTA fools has experienced genital tearing from giving birth vaginally. You wife made a medical decision when faced with a really tough choice.
You didn’t support her when she was facing major surgery. In sickness. You’re the AH for not keeping your vows. Shouldn’t have married her knowing that your love would be trumped by your fears.
Absolutely YTA. So your scared wife wants a moment with you (that is NOT DURING THE OPERATION), and you put your feeling over hers. I certainly hope if you have children, they want have to have an operation and you abandon them too.
NAH. You’ve gotten help for these issues, so you are doing your best to deal with them. You told her you would not be in there well in advance. She made arrangements to have someone else with her.
For your wife this is a very emotional time so her suddenly asking and hoping you would go in regardless of how you felt is not unusual or wrong.
For the people calling you terrible and heartless, please ignore them. I don’t understand this obsession with forcing people to attend the birth process if they don’t want to and they have clearly communicated that up front.
We don’t give the pregnant party any s^%$ for setting boundaries of who they do or don’t want in there.
It would have been very unhelpful for you to force yourself to attend and then suddenly have a panic attack. Better to allow the doctors focus on keeping wife and baby safe.
YTA not cause you couldn't handle being there while the c-section was happening (tho I warn you to get that under control cause your kids will need you in future)
But because she didn't ask you to stay for the whole process, you said she asked you to come in so you two could have a moment together. That's it, not 'hey honey watch them slice me up' just come in for a moment before it started.
NTA. I'm sorry OP, that your wife couldn't handle the outcome of her own decision when she originally said she was okay with you not being there if she chose a c-section.
She has no right to be mad at you when her c-section was completely elective, and not medically needed. She knew before you even became pregnant that you would not be in the operating room.
She was okay with it then, and even okay with it halfway through the pregnancy when she electively chose the c-section. You again reminded her you wouldn't be in there and she was okay with it. She has no right to be mad at you!
I really struggled with this judgement. I totally get your predicament and that your past trauma makes this difficult for you. I get that you told her about this beforehand and she agreed, but… YTA
Neither of your wives had a choice. They couldn’t just step out of the room while your child was being born because they didn’t want to go through the pain and trauma of child birth. I sympathize, with you.
I really do, but at the end of the day, the the message you sent to your wife, even when you were explaining how you wouldn’t go in well beforehand, was that she’s in this alone. That you were going to use your “I'm the man so I don’t have to be part of the pregnancy for reasons” card (imo, the reasons ultimately don’t matter).
It really sucks that women have to bear the brunt of all the crapiness that goes along with pregnancy and child birth and you guys get to choose how much you want to endure.
I say this as someone who has chosen not to have children. A big reason is because I don’t want to go through pregnancy and child birth.