Teen snaps on 17th birthday, 'I don't want to share birthdays with my dead twin anymore.'

It can be hard to draw the line between keeping someone alive in your memory, and refusing to accept that they've died.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a teen asked if she was wrong for not wanting to share her birthday with her dead twin anymore. She wrote:

"AITA for not wanting to share my birthday with my dead twin anymore?"

(16F) here, soon to be 17 in 3 days. I was a twin. My brother died hours after birth. He was 5 minutes older than me. I was told my mother went into deep depression, but with help got better over time. I've watched videos of my birthdays from 1-6 year old, and me sharing my birthday with my brother has started at my 1st birthday.

There's always that 5 minutes of remembrance in honor of him, and instead of having one candle on my cake there will be an extra or extras for him. For example, if I was 1 year, there will be 1 for him or if I was 2, then they would add another 2, and so on. As a kid, I didn't really understand or minded, because I got to blow out extra candles.

When I was 8, I did question it and they told me it was in remembrance for my brother since we share the same birthday. This carried on until my 16th, that I didn't get to celebrate, because I ended up in the hospital. My grandpa showed up at the hospital while I was recovering with a gift and wished me and only me a happy birthday. After he left, I realized, I loved that he only acknowledged me.

I realized I didn't want to keep sharing my birthday with my brother. But then I felt guilty. I did try and speak to my parents about me just me celebrating my birthday this year. But I was brushed off. Now we come to what happened 4 days ago and my grandpa, who is the official cake maker in my family, asked what type of cake did I want? I told him and added firmly with only 17 candles please.

My parents were in the next room and immediately they came in demanding to know what I was doing? That I should know that the other 17 candles were for my brother and I ended up crying and told them, that he's not even here and I am.

I can't remember everything that was said but there was a lot of shouting with me and my parents and grandpa and me getting told that I'm selfish and I need to stop being self-centered. Grandpa left with me. I've been at his house since the big fight. I've been crying a lot and Grandpa has been here for me, but I feel so guilty and to need to ask AITA?

People jumped on with all of their thoughts.

Independent-Length54 wrote:

NTA. Your parents need to find another way to grieve their lost child. Your birthday should be your celebration, not their occasion to memorialize their grief. They need to be able to celebrate you -- their living child -- and find another way to memorialize your brother a different way.

DblAytch wrote:

NTA. Your parents haven’t gotten over the tragic death, and they can’t put you on the spot EVERY YEAR OF YOUR EXISTENCE…this borders on unhinged. What will they do at your graduation? Your wedding? They need therapy and I’m glad your grandfather has given you a safe space. A happy 17th birthday to you!

Crafty-Skill9453 wrote:

NTA, my friend lost 1 of her twin boys to SIDS, it is absolutely devastating HOWEVER even 7 years later she celebrates the boys' birthday with a visit to the cemetery and then a party for the living child. As a parent you can’t discount 1 twin just because the other can’t celebrate.

bangtothetantothejm wrote:

NTA. Advanced happy birthday to you, OP. I would not want to know the pain of losing one's child. But your parents should not put their grief upon you. You should also be celebrated on your own.

OP is NTA here at all, her parents need to learn to separate her from the memory of her twin.