Teen snaps at family for not getting her birthday cake for the 15th year in a row.

Toxic family dynamics can be incredibly hard to fully see and call out.

Much like a frog being gradually boiled, it can be hard to recognize how bad things have gotten when you've accustomed yourself to the discomfort of family dynamics. Sometimes it takes the insight of a complete outsider or a drastic moment to snap you awake to the fact that your feelings are valid, and this is not okay.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a teen asked if she's wrong for yelling at her family for not getting her a birthday cake she likes, after years of them ignoring her request.

She wrote:

AITA for yelling at my family for getting me a birthday cake I don't want for the 15th year in a row?

Unfortunately, I(18F) was born a day after my cousin(20F). Ever since I was little, my needs for my birthday were always outshined by hers. We always did family events to celebrate our birthdays since we're the oldest kids in our family, so we kind of just shared a birthday.

We had the same cake(my family either never wrote my name on it, or would messily scribble it on at the last minute), party decorations and games catered to her taste, and mostly all gifts would be for her. I just usually ended up getting a $10 gift card for Walmart or something, while she always got dolls, games for her Nintendo DS, and even a puppy one time!

I always felt like that I didn't matter for my birthday. Even my quinceañera fell flat, since my family went all out making my cousin feel like the most special girl in the world. But my cousin was always nice to me, and she would give me some of her gifts just to put a smile on my face.

This year was my 18th birthday, and all my relatives were gathered in one place to celebrate me and my cousin's birthdays. My mother had promised me my own separate cake, and that it'll be an OREO ice cream cake (my favorite cake). So I was excited. When my abuela gathered the family together to blow out the candles and sing happy birthday, my cousin and I got in our respective spots.

They started singing while my mother brought a cake to the table and placed it in front of my cousin. It was a strawberry cheesecake. After we got done singing, my cousin blew out her candles and everybody clapped. My aunt started to cut the cake, and I would audibly ask about my cake. My entire family looks confused, and they all say 'This cake is for the both of you.'

My cousin spoke up, saying 'But it only has my name on it.' I looked to my mom, who had a 'What?' expression on her face. I asked about the cake, and she told me, 'You don't need the extra sugar.' At that point, I just lost it, screaming at my family members and calling them all AHs.

I cried about how this is the fifteenth year in a row that they've left me out and forgot about me, and how they ruined my birthday by always prioritizing my cousin. My cousin and little brother also jumped in and defended me, saying that I'm always never thought of. My abuela had the audacity to deliberately interrupt me, telling me to sit down and stop yelling.

Through anger, I yelled that I never wanted to see any of them again and stormed off. My cousin and brother followed me, all comforting me while I cried my eyes out. This happened a few days ago, and I've been receiving angry messages from my family members calling me an ungrateful b****.

I'm at my cousin's apartment right now writing this, all while texting my little brother to vent. Reddit, AITA for yelling at my family for not giving me the cake that I've wanted for nearly my entire lifetime?

The comment section soon filled up with lively debate.

nackle09 wrote:

NTA, this was years of resentment piled up. This family put stress on not only you but also your cousin. It's good that you two seem to have a good relationship and can stick by each other. Along with your brother.

EnergyThat1518 wrote:

NTA. Apart from your cousin and little brother, your family is horrible. Your mother knew this was an issue for you, made a promise, broke it, and expected you to just shut up and stay quiet about it like you did the previous 14 years. This isn't really about the cake, it's about the fact that you're The Lost Child in your family, and no one cares except your cousin and brother.

I mean, if they wanted to plead ignorance, they should be sending messages of concern or confusion, but instead, all you're getting are insults for daring to not want to stay in your assigned role of misery. They knew they were ignoring you, they just didn't care and are trying to guilt trip you into staying in their horrible world of dysfunction.

When your brother is old enough to be independent, you and him should ditch these people and heal from whatever damage this dysfunction has done to you, your cousin may be forced by them to choose too eventually, but it sounds like she's a good person who will choose you without a second thought because unlike them, she actually likes to see you happy.

kumachaaan wrote:

NTA. Your cousin and brother sound like the only other reasonable people in the family. Maybe you could go out and get some Oreo cake, just the 3 of you?

kidneysareunderrated wrote:

NTA. Reading this story, this is more than just about some cake. It's about having countless birthdays ruined because your special day just didn't feel like your special day. I disagree with the comments telling you to either apologize or get over it. To be honest, the birthday situation just feels like the tip of the iceberg for something worse.

RealbadtheBandit wrote:

OP, surely it isn't the cake itself that has upset you. The cake they didn't give you is symbolic of their lack of interest in you. They seem to favor your cousin. All the grownups in the story are the AHs.

I don't see what you can do about this until you're up and on your own, not dependent on them for bed and board. Then you can go very LC with them, which they will hate and thoroughly deserve. NTA.

After receiving lots of support and feedback, OP jumped on with an update.

Edit: After reading the replies, my cousin and I have made the tough decision to block all of the toxic family members and go non-contact. I’ll be living at my cousin’s apartment now, and we’re working on finding me a job.

It sounds like OP and her cousin are taking the steps needed to lead a less stressful and emotionally healthier life.