Marine biologist angry husband introduces her as a 'turtle tour guide.'
'AITA for asking my husband to use my correct job title?'
I (F36) have been married to my husband (M38) for 10 years, and have recently had a massive career change. My first degree at university was nursing, but I have been really struggling over the past few years with everything that happened, so I have gone back and done a degree in marine biology.
Marine biology has always always interested me, and I was so pleased to finally start enjoying my job again. I have started working for a turtle rehabilitation centre, and I could not be more fulfilled.
The challenge comes in that my husband continuously introduces me as a tour guide in an aquarium. He thinks it is very funny, and says that it is easier to explain to people.
No disrespect to those that work in aquariums, but I worked so hard to go back to school and have a job that I love. I was doing the degree part time while still working as a nurse, and my husband saw how much I struggled.
When I was nursing, my husband never used to do this. I was always introduced as a nurse, but now he just can't/won't get it right. People always look at me with such pity when he says, 'She was a nurse, but now she works at [local aquarium].'
I have started correcting him when he introduces me to new people, which he says undermines him and makes him look like a fool in front of others. I have said he wouldn't look like a fool if he told people what I actually do, but he says he can't remember all the details and the fake job title is funny.
Recently I refused to go to an event with him unless he promised to introduce me correctly, and he said that I was massively overreacting. I didn't end up going, and my husband was really frustrated especially when people who knew me at the event asked him why I hadn't gone.
I am at an impasse, but he insists I am the one making a mountain out of a molehill. Am I being an AH by asking him to use my actual job title? Am I overreacting to a joke? Edit: to add as I've seen the question asked a few times: My husband is an engineer.
Here's what people had to say to the OP:
Absolutely not. Give him a brief summary of the job to use for elaboration. Just a sentence or two. He can always refer people to you for elaboration. It's one thing to be self deprecating about your position and quite another to have someone, anyone, else do it.
Nurse = feminine career = OK! Marine Biologist = male dominated career, more power and prestige than husband, also just more interesting generally = NOT OK! Yay for PATRIARCHY 🙄
NTA, imo he's trying to be funny and thinks he's funny, but is actually attempting to disguise his insecurities. Good for you though for pursuing your dream and getting a very cool degree and job!!!
I get the feeling your husband would pull the same stunt if you had become a Physicians Assistant or a Physician. Nursing is a bad ass profession and doesn’t get nearly the credit it deserves.
It’s still seen in general as “less than” or “a woman’s place in the hospital” or “the doctors helper” (which is absolutely untrue, I come from a family full of medical professionals).
A Marine Biologist is known for being “the boss” not the helper. It is a fundamental change in the dynamics of your life. Good for you!!! But I can tell you from experience that some people have a very very hard time accepting you bettering yourself or becoming more successful.
It can cause them to doubt their own place in life. This can cause massive insecurity about your dynamic and how you see them. NTA all the way. I totally recommend getting some counseling because it sounds like there is something deeper happening with him right now that needs to be worked through.
I'd start by telling people your husband works in tech support because it’s too hard to remember. Suspect you being a tour guide will end real quick.
NTA. He says it undermines him?? He’s undermining you, and making himself look like an idiot being caught in a lie. He’s showing great disrespect and I suspect it’s because he secretly denigrates nursing, and saw you as a comfortable level below him. He wants to keep you at perceived “level”.
10 years, eh? I would lay a bet he’s been showing you his disrespect in many ways over the decade.
The OP responded to these comments almost immediately to explain more about why she was so frustrated.
Thank you for your comments! Just for clarity, he doesn't start the conversation with 'This is my wife, and she is a tour guide.' It is just that it is an inevitable question when making small talk with people.
Often the question will be directed at me once I have been introduced, but he always jumps in with the tour guide story which frustrates me. It isn't even just that he has the tour guide shtick, it is also that he stops me from answering the question myself.
My job has nothing to do with people at all, which is why I get so frustrated. It honestly could not be further from the truth. Even if he doesn't want to talk about the turtle rehabilitation centre, he could just say that I am a marine biologist.
He said that he will always support my dreams when I brought up the idea, and he would help more around the house so I had time for classes. He was also quite proud when I graduated, but now it seems to have flipped a bit.
He doesn't seem to like my job very much and has told me that I should have focussed more on helping people instead of helping the fish. I didn't include all of that in my post because I was worried about characters, apologies if it wasn't clear.
Redditers responded to the update:
OP it sounds like your husband is threatened by your new career being more exciting than his. You're getting attention and he's jealous. He goes out of his way to interrupt from YOU answering questions about your own career...with a joke that will downplay what you do.
With that being said he can't claim not to know what you do, then deliberately rehearse his joke about your job every single time someone is interested in your work. He was never threatened by you being a nurse because there are thousands of nurses.
But guess what, it's not everyday that you meet a marine biologist. Which points back to your husband whining that he thinks that you need to go back to nursing. When you didn't attend the event, he saw that people were still interested in what you do...even when you weren't there.
What he's doing is no different than a man trying to keep his wife barefoot and pregnant so that she remains underneath him. OP your husband is manipulating you on purpose.
NTA - I'd be introducing the crap out of my marine biologist partner. Like wow.
Introduce him as your roommate until he learns to respect you. Definitely NTA