Man breaks in and steals 18lbs of cheese from neighbor who owes him money. UPDATE
The Great Cheese Heist: or How OP's Friend Flouts the Law and Ax-Wielding Neighbors in a Small English Village
'Original post: Friend acquires a lot of cheese. What to do with it?'
For complicated / irrelevant reasons a friend has suddenly acquired 18 pounds of Red Leicester cheese. It is good quality. However (again, complicated reasons) the cheese must be moved, used or transformed into something else within the next 72 hours or so.
My friend lives mostly on his own, so can't have a cheese party, and does not want the neighbors finding out about this cheese anyway so cannot invite them. He can't eat it all in this time for health reasons (18 pounds).
There are no food banks nearby he can donate to, and moving the cheese is problematic anyway (though not impossible). He can cook, though not to a great extent. It would be a shame for this cheese to just be disposed of; what else could he do with it?
Are there recipes that can use up 18 pounds of cheese and transform it into (preferably) foodstuff that are not cheese-centric?
Aside from clamoring for more information, the comments suggest donating the cheese, requesting to have the cheese donated, freezing it, dumping it outside of someone’s door or portioning it up and taking 6lbs with them every time they leave the apartment.
Also, tips for abusing flat rate mailing envelopes, fancy cheese sculptures, arranging for it to be found on the Appalachian Trail, and more. Check out the thread for many excellent cooking suggestions.
The OP returned with an update:
I've sent the mods a much longer explanation, as a confirmation that this isn't some made-up hokey but is real. I have seen 18 pounds of quality Red Leicester cheese and I've even run my finger all along one edge of it and believe me, it is real. Oh, yes. I have seen the promised land.
One other point - it really is a friend, and is not me talking in the third person or some odd writing thing like that.
I will do a full explanation at some point on here later in the month, unless there's any legal or ethical impediment.
Currently I don't know how this (frankly ridiculous and avoidable) situation will play itself out, especially as there are several people involved who are perhaps not the most pleasant, or the most sensible, of people. (probably including me for getting involved in this)
True to their word, the OP returned with a very unusual update:
Okay.
I felt like the easiest way to explain this was to share the dialog between myself (Me) and my friend (Fred - not his real name) when I visited, pretty much word for word as I can remember it.
I wrote this down soon afterwards to cover myself if things went badly wrong and I had to speak to the police, and also to send to the other police (the MetaFilter mods) as an explanation.
This post has been edited for profanity.
Wordshore writes:
We are sitting in his kitchen (this is important).
Fred:
Hey, great news! You remember that problem with the shared bill that Neighbor A (hereafter: Andy - not his real name) refused to pay despite being told he had to? It’s sorted!
Me:
That’s good. I’m surprised he paid up as he’s always angry and righteous about everything and never believes he is or can be in the wrong. Did he pay the full amount, or did you agree on a figure?
Fred:
Uh ... it’s not like that.
Me:
??
Fred:
Payment was in cheese. A lot of cheese! Come take a look (walks off).
Me:
{follows friend into his room} That ... is a lot of cheese. Good God. {confused about everything} Why is it all stacked up in your wardrobe in your bedroom? It’s warm there - surely you need to put it in the fridge or freezer?
Fred:
Uh ... yeah. Problem or two.
Me:
{remembering past incidents} What’s happened now? Why did Andy pay you with a large quantity of cheese?
Fred:
He didn’t quite pay me. You remember he’s away for a few days because [reason not put here because of legal stuff].
Me:
{Dawning dread} Yes. Go on.
Fred:
I kinda had a drink or five at the pub and thought right I’m going to sort this now so I went round and he’d left his door unlocked so I went in and thought right I’m going to finish this because it’s the principle of the matter so I had a look around and found all this cheese and I took it and now we are even and the matter is closed.
Me:
Let me get this right. You effectively burgled your neighbor, the one who is permanently angry and is obsessed with collecting axes and was thrown out of the re-enactment society because he took it too literally and chopped down a teepee during a re-enactment. Everyone else around here crosses the street to avoid him and when he was running for a bus that one time several locals panicked and dialed the police?
Fred:
Yes, but it’s the principle of ...
Me:
Stop saying that. Have you ever heard the phrase “This will not end well.”? Look, just put it back exactly how you found it and never mention this to anyone.
Fred:
Can’t. The door locked behind me.
Me:
FFS. Also, why in God’s name has Andy got so much cheese? Or rather, had so much cheese BECAUSE YOU STOLE IT.
Fred:
I have no idea. Perhaps he [reason not put here because of legal stuff]?
Me:
Plausible. So it’s less likely he’ll go to the police. Actually because of [reason not put here because of legal stuff] there’s no way he’ll go to the police to report your crime anyway.
Fred:
What should I do?
Me:
First thing is to put it in the fridge, obviously.
Fred:
Can’t. Neighbor B (hereafter: Bob - not his real name) is in and looking at things through his binoculars.
Now, for the added drama.
This is where Bob, one of the neighbors, comes in. Bob spends nearly all his home time watching other people through his binoculars. Bob is also the gossip in that part of the village, happily telling anyone who will listen what he has seen everyone else do, through his binoculars.
Fred's house sits below that of neighbors Andy and Bob. They can both easily see into the kitchen of Fred through various windows. Bob has, on several occasions, told Fred variations of “I saw you put a really nice looking leg of lamb in your fridge. Was it good?” [real example]
The Joining-The-Dots Paragraph: Even if Andy doesn’t see it first, then should Bob see Fred either put, or remove, a large quantity of Red Leicester cheese (which is distinctive because of its color) in or out of the fridge, there is a high probability he will happily inform everyone he meets. Including Andy, the axe collecting angry previous possessor of said cheese.
Back to the conversation:
Me:
Oh hell, him with the binoculars. {thinks} Oh double hell; did Bob see you go into Andy’s place, or move the cheese?
Fred:
No, he was still in the pub when I left.
Me:
Okay, that’s something and means you aren’t 100 percent certain to get in trouble when he blabs to Andy.
Fred:
But he owed me the money and it’s the principle of the mat....
Me:
STOP SAYING THAT. IT IS A PHRASE PEOPLE USE TO JUSTIFY THEIR ACTIONS WHEN THEY HAVE LOST PERSPECTIVE. LIKE YOU. HERE. NOW. THIS. {waves arms in direction of cheese} THIS CHEESE.
Fred:
I don’t know what to do.
Me:
Neither do I. Could you just move, now, like I’ve advised you to many times, because of your neighbors?
Fred:
Maybe. Perhaps I should just give Andy the cheese back?
Me:
He will possibly freak out on you. As in, literally, go nuts.
Fred:
True. Even though I took it because of the princi...
Me:
*GLARES WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS*
Fred:
Okay, okay. Sorry. What do I do though?
Me:
This is an ongoing evolving situation. Split it into what needs to be done in the next hour, day, week, month, then year. Prioritize accordingly. Avoid escalating the situation into a path which is unsafe or limits your options.
Fred:
Where did you learn that?
Me:
Library school, where they teach people the skills that are needed to stop civilization collapsing.
Fred:
Oh God stop with the library evangelizing. What’s the priority for the next hour, or day, then? {jokey} Hey, perhaps you could feed the cheese to that noisy owl you were complaining kept you awake?
Me:
{annoyed, stressed, not finding anything funny any more} Or maybe I should just tell Andy where the cheese is and watch the spectacle of him smash down your front door with his axes?
Fred:
{frightened} Sorry.
Me:
You need to put the cheese in the coolest part of the room and rig up your fan to circulate colder air around it.
Fred:
Okay. Then what?
Me:
Unsure. But other immediate priorities involve stopping getting drunk and making situations worse...
Fred:
But he...
Me:
SERIOUSLY SHUT THE F*CKING F*CK UP. Also, do not interact with either Andy or Bob unless you have to. And find alternative accommodation, as advised before, NOW, because it’s just one incident after another and life is too short for this sh*t.
Fred:
But what about the cheese?
Me:
Don’t know. Will think. Can’t you just throw it away?
Fred:
I think Bob goes through my bins at night.
Me:
Plausible. {thinks} Extremely plausible. And you can’t take it away as Bob will see it and tell everyone that you were taking something large out of your apartment and he is wondering what it is, and Andy will guess. Ah! Unless you do it at night.
Fred:
There’s a problem. I’ve thought of that but Bob was saying in the pub he was going to install webcams, so guess he’s into 24/7 watching now.
Me:
FFS. You really need to move. Now. I need to think.
Me:
Ah. I think I know a place which may have a solution.
Fred:
Really?
Me:
Yes. Might take a day or two. I’ll be back then.
Fred:
Okay. Take some cheese with y...
Me:
{utters obscenities}
Fred:
Okay okay. Sorry sorry sorry okay maybe not.
FAQ
1. People are still going to wonder what 'lives mostly alone' means.
Because of the large amount of cat hair in the apartment due to one of Fred’s hobbies, he has a cleaner come in once a week. There’s a (probably small) danger that news of the cheese acquisition may leak out through this route.
2. Why you are friends with this person, who is an idiot?
He is okay and decent when he is sober. But, if I’m going to unfriend everyone who has said or done something regretful when under the influence of alcohol or something else (and I’m guilty of this myself), I’m not going to have many friends left :)
3. If Bob is binocularring to an extent that the cheese can't be moved to the fridge without spotting, then surely cooking something using 18lbs of anything would likewise draw attention, yes? Or does your friend not do this cooking near the place where the fridge is at?
Yes, the cooker and oven are in a part of the kitchen which cannot be observed from outside. Hence the line of thought about possibly cooking up all the cheese into disguised food, or something.
However, on reflect, the cheese still has to be moved to that part of the kitchen, and there’s just too high a risk of it still being visible, or Bob speculating to everyone about the large amount of cooking that Fred is undertaking.
4. Mefi generally prefers to see names instead of letters because it's easier to follow, so just make stuff up, like Fred and Andy and Bob instead of F and A and B.
Done; to stress, these are not real names.
5. People, present company included, are going to want to know what kind of shady left out for legal reasons dealings someone might be into that would lead to acquiring 18lbs of cheese in the first place.
Like was it a deal on an axe trade gone bad? Or, bet you can't chop 18lbs of cheese with an axe competition, winner take all? I don’t know for sure, and the best I can do is informed speculation i.e. a guess based on previous incidents, gossip, and things read in the local newspaper.
My guess is something the mods would have a problem in me putting on here so I can’t, and it may also cause other problems in the real world. I'd rather move on from all this.
6. What is the current status of the cheese?
The cheese was moved (removed via the window of Fred's room at night) and given to a soup kitchen - a suggestion (by Iris Gambol) off AskMeFi, so thank you - who used it gladly.
They do evening outdoor soup handouts for the homeless. It turns out that soup kitchens really like donations of cheese as it’s a prime source of protein, fat and calories which is very good for homeless people (especially those with alcohol problems), it can be easily added to many soups.
It bulks out soup that is too thin or weak, and also uncooked cheese can be given away with bread. I learnt something new there and bought a load of additional cheese to add to it at the same time so they had a great big cauldron of cheesey soup. Grating a small mountain of cheese as a social group exercise turned out to be fun too.
Giving it to a soup kitchen also has the advantage that if there is or was any come-back, it can be pointed out that the cheese ended up in a good cause and was not used for personal gain or profit. It's also worth it just to see so much cheese melt.
7. What happened to Fred?
He found alternative accommodation and moved out quickly. I’ve waited until he is fully moved out before posting this answer.
8. Did Andy find out what happened?
No idea - I don’t think he did at the time due to the lack of axes embedded in Fred's apartment, or Fred himself. I’m not going back there to ask him!
9. Why was the suggestion of putting the cheese on his doorstep and running away highlighted as the first good answer?
I thought for a while that actually could be a good idea. Andy is going to discover the cheese is missing at some point anyway, but him finding it may calm him a bit, and/or confuse him enough so he won’t get super-angry. It may just look like a burglary gone wrong.
10. Do you know where the cheese originally came from?
Not for sure. It was wrapped and labelled (professionally) but with no identifying ownership or source on it.
11. Sorry, in the answer to question one, what is Fred’s hobby that generates so much cat hair?
I gave him a book on crafting with cat hair as a joke present. He took it seriously and brushed random cats in his neighborhood to collect hair for a project. He was talking about making a miniature donkey using just cat hair; I think he has a long way to go though, in terms of collecting viable cat hair.
12. What is it like to be in the presence of 18 pounds of cheese?
You know the scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent Vega opens the briefcase and looks inside...
13. I assume 'put cheese on doorstep, run away' plan was discarded because there was no way to be certain that none of Andy, Bob, or Bob's cameras would see it and then axe time?
Yes, exactly. Though putting it there before Andy returned was an attractive option, part of the dissuasion was the high risk of Bob seeing it being moved there.
14. Why not do X/Y/Z to the fridge?
Because even if the cheese could be put into the fridge, disguised and/or unseen, Bob could ... no, *would* still see when the door opens and makes a point of observing what is in the fridge and what is taken out. The leg of lamb comment quoted was, by far, not the only such comment.
15. Can we have updates on everyone involved, please?
Bob's last comment/conversation to Fred, when Fred moved out, was 'I heard you flush the toilet a lot last night. Are your bowels loose?'
I'm out of touch since then, but I have heard indirectly that there has been an incident where Andy attacked Bob's property. However, I don't know the details, and when you hear neighborhood gossip third- or fourth- hand there's always got to be question marks over the accuracy.
Fred himself, I haven't heard from as he moved in the opposite direction and he doesn't go online. The last time he spoke he has joined a new church which has a cat, so he's probably happily collecting hair and edging towards his goal of the miniature donkey made of cat hair.
Which, so long as it doesn't annoy the cat, is fine; we all have our hobbies and interests. He's promised me a picture of the completed donkey but suspect this will take a long time.
Speaking of which; Me: I took a few pictures of the cheese, but knowing how things persist online am not uploading them. I have however got hard copies through one of those crappy photo printing machines in Boots, and have stuck them in my baggage. If/when I turn up at an IRL MeFite meetup I'll bring them with me.
UPDATE
A minor update (though, a few months on, it's extremely unlikely anyone will ever read this).
Fred has completed the miniature donkey made out of the hair of many cats! I have seen it and ... it doesn't, in my opinion, um, look anything like a donkey. I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying, after he put so much effort in (and been clawed by several surprised cats), but it looks strangely like that contender for a certain presidential election next month.
Fred says I can borrow it when I next travel to the USA so - assuming me and it both get through immigration - I'll bring Donald the Donkey (and the photos of cheese) with me to a MetaFilter meetup.
UPDATE
Oh the cheese heist mention reminds me; I can answer one of the remaining questions now due to a recent conversation with a somewhat indiscreet doctor's surgery receptionist. Namely:
Why did 'Andy' have eighteen pounds of Red Leicester cheese?
So. Back some time before the cheese AskMe, Andy bought a regular block of cheese from the supermarket. He got home, ate some of it, and was ill afterwards.
Andy took the cheese back to the supermarket, confronted the manager, and threatened all manner of things e.g. legal damages. The manager - ex-army type - stood his ground and dared him to try any of the things he threatened. Andy backed off.
Andy, with his anger issues, seeked retribution and visited the supermarket over a period of time, stealing blocks of cheese as he went. When he returned to his base, adding to whatever, his 'cheese vengeance trophy collection' or whatever his angry mind thought it was.
The odd thing was; Andy kept trying to eat some of the cheese but it kept making him ill. After a visit to the doctor it turned out he had milk or cheese allergy or intolerance or something. The cheese was perfectly fine. But he kept stealing it because ... I don't know why. It's the kind of thing angry/vengeful people do?
Eventually he was suspected of the continuing anomalies in the stock levels of cheese at the supermarket and banned from the store on sight. Why was he suspected?
Because the doctor's receptionist and the store manager are a couple (in small isolated English communities and valleys, everyone eventually mates with everyone else*) and they had a conversation and joined the dots.
And, like Rogue One to A New Hope (but with cheese instead of death star data files), that's the prequel for how we arrived at the start of the cheese heist rural English village farce.
Andy has now moved far away thankfully so my concern about having an axe embedded in my front door has abated. He apparently now spends much of his day, in his place in the north of England, being very angry on Reddit as he is under some kind of curfew.
Here were the top rated comments after this 7 year saga:
This is both hilarious and utterly British. Anyone who has ever spent time in a village can testify that we're prone to being bonkers. My childhood best friend nearly drove an elderly neighbour into insanity by pilfering her garden gnomes after dark, and then relocating them all over the place.
But anyone who devotes their entire front garden to dozens of gnome figures probably didn't have to travel all that far, honestly.
I am so glad I got to read this.
This needs to be dramatized and produced starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.
I was right there with OP the third time Fred started to say, 'It's the principle of the matter.' I wanted to punch him in the face.
This is a very enjoyable and hilarious read. No one got axed, the stolen goods were donated to a good cause, and the vengeance-inspired cheese thefts have stopped.
Pity we don't know why Andy tried to axe Bob's property. Or where Andy lurks in Reddit...