Dad tries to help with daughter's obesity problem, wife says to, 'leave her alone.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my wife she's unrealistic in her plan to deal with our daughter's obesity?"
ThrowRAonit
Right now, the situation that my wife and I are facing is that, our daughter Dana (17F) weighed in at 233lb (5'9) when she was at her last doctor's appointment. She hated the whole process of getting weighed, people seeing the number, and hearing from her doctor that she was too heavy.
Since the appointment, I've tried to slowly implement healthy changes. I've been doing things like asking her to cook with me, offering to go on walks, looking for other activities she might have interest in. My wife has discouraged this, simply telling me Dana isn't interested and I should drop it.
I asked her what her solution was. Her solution is to just wait until Dana decides she's ready to change. My case has been that the weight loss struggle is hard enough and it will be much harder if her epiphany doesnt come for another 50-100 pounds.
I told my wife that her plan was not a plan that would lead to success and that it was unrealistic. She argued that my plan will only cause rebellion. To my wife, asking Dana on walks is pointless, as is seeing if she wants to cook because she doesn't like exercise or most healthy food.
My wife's idea is to keep things as they are. She wants to let Dana have as many unhealthy snacks as she wants. She wants to just go buy her bigger and bigger pants and shirts as she outgrows what she has (an issue we've faced a lot over the past few years especially.) My wife told me it was very upsetting when I told her that her ideas were unrealistic. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
RemyTheMagnificent
NTA. Assuming, of course, that you're asking Dana if she wants to participate in these activities with you. Forcing her is a recipe for disaster in the long run, but asking her to do things with you is a positive way to help her.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRAonit
correct, I'm asking.
raginghappy
Info - Is your daughter ever saying yes to these asks? Could you stand to lose a couple of extra pounds too? So that you two can do this journey together? Instead of her being singled out? Could it be a family affair? With your wife also if she wants to join?
KyotoDreamsTea
INFO: Have you guys tried getting help from an expert from her pediatrician like a nutritionist? What about talking to your daughter? Like is there a root cause (i.e. depression?)? And what led to this point in terms of your parenting?
The OP again responded:
ThrowRAonit
my daughter treats this like an overreaction, not a big deal.
CreatorGodTN
NTA. You’re doing what a parent is supposed to do: guide and warn. Good on you and ignore the naysayers here. If your daughter starts to give significant pushback, then ease off.
Again, the OP responded:
ThrowRAonit
its not really pushback, its just she's playing everything off as a joke.
Lunar-Eclipse0204
ESH - Why have you both as parents waited so long to get Dana accustomed to healthier food options? To being more active. It sounds like your wife is still wanting to let your child run the show. While your approach is better - either way you have an uphill battle to come.
Ingemar26
She's 17 so not really a child anymore.
Cashewsftwamirite
This! You should have started to introduced these healthy habits 5-15 years ago. Now she’s extra insecure already after that appointment, so then you all of a sudden just now bringing all this up at once and trying to make her lose weight is probably weighing on her as well (pun intended).
I agree with the comments that you guys should work with professionals to get advice and address the underlying cause of her need for food first. These things don’t happen in a vacuum, and it’s always more of a mental game rather than physical.
If she’s not been receptive to your attempted help at this point, back off a little, give her some space, and think about a therapist(AND DONT TELL HER THE THERAPIST IS BC YOU WANT HER TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD).
People need to work inside out, and I hope a number on the scale is not more important than her long term mental well being.
-signed someone recovering from eating disorders that now weighs that exact amount because of it