'I’m having doubts my daughter is biologically mine and want a paternity test.' UPDATED
"I’m having doubts on if my daughter is biologically mine and don’t know if I should take a paternity test and risk my marriage.."
I need an outside perspective. Me and my wife of 3 years have a baby girl she’s 2. They’re my world and honestly I’ve been beating myself up even having these thoughts but recently I’ve doubted if she’s really my biological daughter.
We have similarities but there are certain things that have me second guessing. My wife and I both have green eyes I’m mixed and she’s Italian and American. My baby has brown eyes I know it’s a possible for two green eyed parents to have a brown eyed baby but I’ve read it’s rare.
A few years back I had to travel for work and I had my suspicions of my wife cheating but the thought alone brought me to tears. I discussed it with her and she assured me she was loyal to me. She has cheated in her previous relationship but I didn’t want to judge based on that because she was in high school and we’ve all done dumb sh*t we regret as kids.
I have discussed my concerns with her and to say I caused an argument would be an understatement. She got extremely upset and asked me how I could insinuate that she would ever cheat on me or that my baby isn’t mine. I’ve spoken to her in the past ab my doubts and she told me she would never cheat.
I brought it up again and said I had my doubts but I’ll drop it and apologized. She got very defensive and started crying saying “I guess you want a paternity test since you don’t believe me”. I said no but after speaking with my family about it I think I may want one just to clear my mind.
If she’s mine I’ll hate myself for ever being doubtful but if she’s not I still haven’t thought about the consequences that can bring. She is my daughter and I love her no matter what but what will that do to my marriage.
This has caused me so much internal conflict and I’ve spent nights crying thinking I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation from mine or my wife’s perspective it would be greatly appreciated.
Here is what readers had to say:
Okay, my advice? Take 3 steps back! I understand your doubts, the might be valid but when focusing on just eye color you have about a 25% change of that happening (a lot of other factors come in but it's a ballpark) that's the same as flipping heads twice in a row... Happens all the time!
Before you do anything decide what you would do if the child isn't yours. Are you actually leaving? Or would you stay regardless?
Honestly my suggestion is to decide what you want regardless of what a paternity test would show, because this is such a messy situation involving a young child it's so important to plan for both scenarios.
If you really can’t live without knowing and you can’t find middle ground on this test, your relationship is already over. You will either resent yourself for not pushing, your partner for not agreeing or she will resent you for doing it anyway. Resentment is a top indicator for a failing relationship. Realize NOW if you really need that resentment in your life and act accordingly.
Resentment will kill a relationship silently and sometimes slowly. Better to acknowledge it now and deal with it with the help of a therapist or walk away. I don’t think I could forgive my husband for something like this.
I’d definitely do the test because I wouldn’t want him to be living with that anxiety. But I’d be done. You can’t walk back once you see how your partner really sees you (and it’s not in a good light). Especially if you didn’t do what they are accusing. Having to prove yourself innocent just makes it that much worse.
Green eyes are a mutation and do not pass down generationally the way other eye color does. Get the test and just keep your mouth shut.
Get the test. You’ll wonder forever if you don’t. And more than that, there are stories of babies getting swapped in hospitals. The baby might not even be hers. It’s unlikely, but so we’re the brown eyes. Paternity tests should be mandatory in my opinion, but until that happens you should trust yourself. She’s trying to guilt you into not doing it which may mean it’s possible.
After a huge outpouring of comments, everyone was waiting to hear what the OP decided. The next day, he returned:
UPDATE: I’m having doubts on if my daughter is biologically mine and don’t know if I should do a paternity test and risk my marriage.
I don’t know if this is the right way to make an update post i did make an edit on my original post as well. I wasn’t expecting to make this update especially the day after.
This conversation with my wife isn’t new. But from the point where I made the comment she’s been very cold and threatening our marriage saying I better not get the test done behind her back and she also would not allow it to happen at all.
I read comments from a lot of women saying they’d be pissed too either way if the test positive or negative from mistrust, so I thought that was the case. We did have a long conversation this morning. She looked through my phone last night and found the post. That’s what sparked the conversation again. She said she was hurt I would keep bringing this up and I should trust her and leave my insecurities behind.
It was long conversation, a lot of tears and words were said. I offered marriage counseling and dropped the topic of the dna test. She refused and said it’s ridiculous and doesn’t want to involve anyone else in our marriage.
I read a lot of comments and stories saying sometimes the guilt will get to them and they’ll just confess without needing to do a test… I didn’t think that would happen in my case but it did. She told me that she didn’t want this to happen but she did cheat on me and my daughter is not mine.
She said she wanted me to be the father and loved me and thought this would be her best option. She didn’t want me to take a test and find out on my own which I wish she would’ve come clean way before.
I didn’t know how to respond but asked who the father was because my mind already is making a million assumptions. She didn’t tell me and began crying more telling me to not hate her and not end the marriage. I didn’t say anything again waiting for an answer. This happened early this morning and I didn’t get an answer until this afternoon.
I had to leave for work this morning so when I came back she had calmed down a bit and was ready to tell me. Her answer was probably the last thing I was expecting. She cried while saying this but said a few years back when I went on a business trip, she slept with my father who she “ran into on a drunk night.”
I don’t believe it. My father passed away in December from a colon cancer when he was 45. He did meet my daughter, half sister, his daughter idk.. but never said anything clearly. She said they both decided it was a dumb mistake (a major understatement) and it’d be best to erase it and play me as being the father.
Me and my father never had the best relationship I grew up with my single mom but he was present in my life and when he passed it hurt my family a lot. So hearing this broke me. I am currently staying with my brother. I haven’t spoken about what I’ve learned with anyone even him. I don’t think I’ve fully processed so coming here to write this felt like a good place to get my thoughts out.
I didn’t say anything after she told me that and just left after she finished explaining. I don’t know where I even go from here. I don’t want to abandon my child while she’s technically my half sister but do need time to process this. I don’t think any amount of marriage therapy will fix this so divorce is my next step. I am going to seek a therapist for myself and help myself so I can be there for my daughter.
Here are the top responses after the update:
The DNA test is definitely needed now. You have no idea what is real now and the test results would be a good base point to work from.
I’d say get the test done anyway because for all you know, she’s pinning it on your father because you can’t do anything to him about it, and she wants to protect the real father.
Bro I read your original post and I really hoped you were just deep in your thoughts but I knew it wouldn’t be the case. My heart dropped reading this dude. I’m really sorry to hear this. My inbox is open. Please talk with someone.
I am so very sorry. That's chilling. Your disappointment must run deep in both your late father and your wife. Your father was morally broken and your wife is morally broken to do that. Her daughter should not be unloved nor isolated ever.
I think seeing a counselor for yourself is an excellent first step followed by a lawyer's appointment. Please consider moving elsewhere, both short-term just to get away from your damaged wife, and long term for a future where a good woman can love you.
Sir, don't abandon yourself. Men with trauma like these have chances of a sad, tragic outcome. Get yourself some psychological healing help from a professional. Do not let your sadness and anger take over. You've gotta keep yourself level until you've got some help.
I think it's right to divorce, and as for the child... I wouldn't blame you for staying in their life or choosing to leave. It's up to you how you handle it, what you can handle, and if you can sign up for a life whichever direction you choose.
Hang in there my guy, the world hasn't ended, tomorrow will keep coming and present new opportunities. You'll find your footing and you will get through this.