Mom says daughter 'emotionally cheated,' she will never accept her husband. AITA?
Marriage is a complicated commitment between two growing and changing people.
One mother was heartbroken for her daughter when her marriage fell apart. She supported her daughter and knew that she was not happy in her relationship. When her daughter found a new partner, she was excited for this next chapter in her life. However, she learned. from one of her granddaughter's friend that the relationship with her daughter's newest partner may have begun long before the divorice. Her daughter says that she is not being fair, but her mother, the OP, insists that cheating is cheating, in any form.
'AITA for telling my daughter that I’m disappointed in her?'
Hello all.
It’s been rough with my only daughter as of late. My husband and I (both of us are 55) have one daughter (30F). We have been married coming up on 32 years soon.
My daughter was in a long relationship and married for approximately 9 years, and for a long time I thought that is was a good relationship, when out of nowhere around 3 years ago, she decided to divorce her ex-husband.
We were told it was a mutual decision, but that ultimately, he wasn’t the greatest partner, and there were many things that she was not satisfied with in their relationship. So she wanted to leave. We supported her decision.
About a year after the divorce, she introduced us to her new boyfriend. And while my husband and I thought it may be a bit early to date, we decided to continue to support her and meet him. He was, and is a very charming man who treats our daughter wonderfully, and you can tell she is extremely happy.
Now to the argument. Recently, we were talking with one of our daughters friends who was visiting our town, and were discussing our daughters job and her wonderful boyfriend. Her friend in the conversation made a comment about how they were lucky to be in the same orientation together when they started work.
As soon as she saw our confused faces, she gave us the full story, as she realized we hadn’t been given it. Our daughter had told us while her and her boyfriend worked for the same employer, they didn’t meet until after the divorce.
We pressed the friend for more information, and she begrudgingly told us that our daughter and her boyfriend had met during orientation at work while our daughter was going through her marital issues. This led to them becoming closer and her filing for divorce from her ex husband about a year later.
So later that day, I asked to have a conversation with my daughter and brought up what her friend had told us. She turned white as snow, and basically confirmed her friends story. But reiterated that there was no physical cheating.
I told her that physical cheating was not the only way that you could hurt someone. And that it appeared that she had emotionally cheated on her ex husband. He may not have been the greatest person, but it didn’t excuse her actions.
I told her that I was disappointed in her, and while I supported her leaving a bad marriage, that I couldn’t look at her and her boyfriend the same in this new light in regards to cheating.
I still love her and will treat her boyfriend with respect, but it is definitely something I have a hard time looking past.
She got angry with me for not continuing to support her in her journey beyond divorce. AITA?
Here are the hightest rated comments from readers:
YTA. It is extraordinarily inappropriate and rude for you to think you have the right to decide whether or not your daughters divorce was justified.
Wow... just, wow. YTA.
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You think dating someone new a year after a divorce is somehow 'too soon.' What?
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You admit that you know that your daughter had 'martial issues' before she met this new guy, yet you've drawn the conclusion that he was somehow a part of her filing for divorce because she was 'emotionally' cheating on her husband. Again, what?
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You concede her husband was a bad partner (while omitting any information on why/how he was a bad partner), but then said it didn't 'excuse' her actions. What actions does she need to excuse, OP? Talking to a new friend who happens to be male?
You claim you support her choice to leave a bad marriage. Did it not occur to you, OP, that your daughter filed for divorce when she met a man who - as a friend - treated her with the respect and care that she had always wanted from her husband but hadn't ever gotten?
Did it occur to you that maybe meeting him showed her that she didn't have to settle for what she had been living with? She clearly lied to you about it because she knew this is how you'd react. Are you even disappointed with your daughter, OP? Are you sure the disappointment isn't with yourself?
YTA she divorced him for a reason. It’s not like she strung her ex along she left him. And then a whole year later she got with her current bf.
YTA. It must be nice living on high and judging other people for their lives when it has no impact on you whatsoever.
YTA. It's not your business, she isn't 20 years old.
I'm 42 and don't really give a damn about my mother's opinion. Keep heading in that direction won't you.
Based on how judgmental you come across in this post, it's no wonder your daughter doesn't open up and talk to you about most things. It sounds like she never truly confided in you with her marital issues, especially since you were shocked when she went to get a divorce...
'out of nowhere around 3 years ago, she decided to divorce her ex-husband'
That being said, you have no idea how bad things were for her or what she was really going through leading up to that and if she had a co-worker that she could confide in and that supported her, that's great, she deserves to have someone there who she could.
Marriages end long before the divorce is even requested most of the time and if that friendship and support turned into something more after, then good for her.
You're her mother, you can be disappointed and think you know better all you want, but pulling your support from her and talking down to a grown adult woman? YTA - she may be your child but she isn't a child anymore. It's her life and she deserves to be happy.