Man refuses to help ex with mentally handicapped son; 'I told you I never wanted a child.' AITA?
"AITAH for refusing to help with 'my' child?"
Competitive_Yard_863
Years ago when I was a freshman in college, I got my then girlfriend pregnant accidentally. Typically we used a combination of the pill and condoms, but that night we decided to go without the condom and unfortunately, her hormonal birth control failed. She didn't realize she was pregnant until it was too late for plan b.
I assumed there would be a termination, as we had discussed the possibility of exactly this scenario before in our relationship and both agreed at the time it would be what we wanted.
Unfortunately, when push came to shove, she decided to go back on that and press forward with the pregnancy. I was not onboard and let her know that. Later, testing showed that the child would be disabled.
At that point, I told her very frankly, yet again, that I absolutely did not want this burden. I reminded her that we had agreed on a termination even had the child been healthy, and I said, in no uncertain terms, that if she decided to press forward with this, I would live up to my bare minimum legal obligations and do no more than that.
I advised her that being an effectively single mother to a heavily disabled child requiring lifelong care would be far more difficult than she seemed to realize, and that in no version of reality would this ever lead to the two of us building the happy family I think she was imagining.
She disregarded that entirely and brought the baby to term. I saw him exactly once. In the end, her parents legally adopted the child. My rights and also obligations were terminated at that time. I lost touch with her, but went on to graduate and have the life I wanted now.
I recently heard from her for the first time since the adoption after she found me on Facebook. Since then, she hasn't done as well for herself.
Unfortunately, both of her parents have passed. Her father died of covid a few years back and sadly her mother passed in a car accident a few weeks ago. She is now responsible for her son/adoptive brother, and doesn't have the resources to handle him.
Apparently the care of her son was extremely costly even with insurance, and they weren't able to leave much. He's completely incapable of any degree of independence. He's profoundly mentally disabled, and can't even feed himself or use a toilet.
I told her that I would not be getting involved under any circumstances and advised her to look into any government assistance or charity that her parents may have overlooked, and to see if having him put in some kind of facility would be feasible. I was very firm about her not contacting me again, and I blocked her.
My wife agrees with me wholeheartedly about not burdening ourselves with this, but she suggested we might have an ethical obligation to send some money to help with the situation.
I disagree, and I'm afraid that giving anything at all will be like feeding seagulls. I want nothing to do with it at all. This isn't a serious conflict between us, but I just want to know if her point has merit.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Carrie56
NTA. You might be the biological father - but the boy was formally adopted by his grandparents, and that meant that they were his legal parents - as you say your rights and legal obligations were terminated at that time, and therefore you aren’t required to step up now after all these years.
Maybe offer to help find appropriate care for the boy (it sounds like his physical needs are greater than what his mother/ sister can handle alone, never mind the financial headaches), but you arent under any obligation to help out, and I have a feeling that if you gave money, she would keep coming back for more.
It’s sad, but your ex was aware of your position, and what the child’s future was likely to be, and she still chose to keep the baby. Without her parents practical and financial assistance any more, she needs to get her brother into a home where he can receive the help he needs.
SincerelyCynical
Your ex should also receive social security payments since the son/brother was legally the son of now-deceased parents.
yeahyeahyeah6661
Nta. You had a choice just as much as she does. Legally she doesn't even have an obligation to the child either
EndZealousideal4757
Don't feed the seagulls. The seagulls will get lawyers and try to prove that your assistance constitutes a desire to resume fatherly responsibilities. No feed for seagulls, ever.
skeptic37
In the US, It’s also possible mom can get paid by the state to be her son’s full-time caregiver. And the son will qualify for SSI and Medicaid as well.
Ecstatic_Sandwich_38
One of those situations where I absolutely thought OP would be TA, but OP, I’m now nodding my head in full agreement with you. It was her body carrying the child, and her choice to bring a profoundly disabled person into the world. Not a whole lot you could say about that at the time. But it was the choice of her parents to adopt him themselves, thus absolving you of legal responsibility.
This is a tough situation, but you also predicted a lot of what actually did come true. You knew that raising this kid would be a monumental feat, you never wanted that burden yourself, and you opted out when you could. I don’t blame you one bit, and you’re NTA.