'AITA for refusing to let my BF's kids in my room? They're disrespecting my space.'
"AITA for refusing to let my boyfriends kids in my room?"
Excellent_Hornet_388
Been with my BF for 3 years. Was introduced to his 3 children 6 months or so ago. Great kids but all of them lack boundaries and it's obviously a parental issue more so than their issue. They are 13(male), 12(female) and 8(male). The 2 younger ones have ADHD as well and are off the walls 24/7.
We started doing weekend sleepovers 2 months ago and it's honestly been hell. For no other reason outside of the fact that I literally have zero space to decompress because the kids follow you everywhere you go.
They have no clue how to entertain themselves. Given that they are literal children, I don't blame them. But my one hard limit is the kids being in my room. I don't like anyone in my bedroom. That's my private space.
But there have been multiple times when I have been in the bedroom and one or all of the kids will come in and just take over my bed completely. Laying down with their tablets.
Or if I'm watching TV in there, more often than not they will come in and take over my TV or just talk 24/7 so I can't focus on anything other than them and their questions. Despite the fact that usually when I do watch TV in my room. It's because they have taken over the TV in the living room and there's no place to sit.
I've told my BF I don't want anyone in my room and that it makes me uncomfortable but it's almost as if he thinks it doesn't apply to his children because just days after telling him this, him and I were watching a movie around 7pm (when the kids have their downtime and had a movie on for themselves in the living room).
All of his kids came in to my room and immediately climbed in to my bed so I was stuck in a 2ft square in my own space because I couldn't move otherwise. That and they bring their tablets with them.
So I'm trying to watch a movie and all 3 of them have their tablets on my bed with the volume up and I have never been so overstimulated in my life. And it happens all the time. If we are in my room, they are too. If we are in the kitchen, they follow us. If we go outside, they are right behind us (but we can't get them to go outdoors by themselves).
Yesterday I had a terrible day (family stuff). My BF had his kids over and I was just needing space away from their chaos. I said I was going to my bedroom to get time alone. BF comes in maybe 20 minutes later to check on me and not even 2 minutes following that, his kids are in my room and on my bed.
The youngest doing flips and moving the bed from the wall. I told them to get out 6 times before they actually listened. My BF said they just want to be around us and I said I don't care. My bedroom is off limits from this point forward.
He said he doesn't think he can do that because he enjoys having his kids near him and doesn't want to shut them out and asked me to reconsider or "make a schedule" of when they could be in my room with us. I refuse. He says I'm being unreasonable and that by being with a single parent, I need to learn compromise.
ETA: I'm 30. He's 32. The only issue I have is with the kids being in my bedroom. I don't hide away in there or anything like that (kinda sounded like that in the post due to poor wording). I usually only slip away to my bedroom between 6-7pm but they almost immediately follow me because their dad does.
Admittedly, if they would just sit down and not do flips or jump on my bed or shift the bed away from the wall or even wipe their feet before getting in to my bed, I would probably be willing to compromise.
However, they've been told several times that my bed is not a jungle gym and to stop jumping/doing front flips. The youngest does not listen at all because of the overwhelming amount of energy he has.
He is constantly doing flips over everything- not just my bed. Not a single one of them wipe their feet so there's constantly dirt and when I remind them, it's met with a "sorry, I forgot" and then still don't wipe their feet.
They're great kids. I get along with them really well. But it doesn't change the fact that my space is disrespected and they have no business being in my bedroom. We do not live together. This is happening at my home. He has been bringing the kids to my house every other weekend because we have been tiptoeing around the idea of moving in together.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
SailorCentauri
NTA. You've literally set one boundary when dealing with your BF's kids. And he's just refused to respect it which has resulted in his kids not respecting it.
spillyourbeansboy
You've been with your boyfriend for 3 years and only met his children 6 months ago? What?
ChanceAd3606
ESH. Them for not respecting your boundaries. You for dating a man with 3 young kids and expecting to not have to deal with those 3 young kids. If you don't want to deal with kids, don't date a guy with 3 of them. I am not talking about just the bedroom situation. Your post makes it very clear how you feel about them in general.
_wildr_
NTA - my parents never wanted us (5 kids) in their room growing up. It’s beyond reasonable to have a boundary around your privacy; have you talked to the kids about it? I’m sure they wouldn’t want you interfering with their privacy either.
The OP responded here:
Excellent_Hornet_388
I have talked to the kids about it but it doesn't really lead anywhere honestly. They enjoy people being in their space so they don't understand why others don't feel the same way. It's not even their fault. They are just "Velcro" kids but so is their dad. I mean, he's very much so a golden retriever BF and follows me everywhere too so the kids get it from him.
EbonyDoe
NTA dump him and his spoiled kids. You're entitled to your privacy and space not being invaded by undisciplined kids.
jrm1102
ESH (you and your bf) - I mean yes, you can set that boundary and you should have time/space to yourself. But you are dating someone with three kids and you clearly and not prepared for that.
But I also think the BF shouldnt be bringing his kids to your house for extended visits when its not suitable for kids really Seeing that you left your age out I’m going to guess youre a bit younger than this guy.
The OP again responded:
Excellent_Hornet_388
I'm 30. He's 32. The only issue I have is them being in my bedroom. Its not appropriate (for me). My ex also had 2 children, whom I helped raise and still see often. But they never acted like this so I will admit that I am not used to this.
It overwhelms me and quite frankly, pisses me off that I have to constantly push my bed back where it belongs because they are doing flips and jumping on it or having to vacuum off my bed before sleeping because of all the dirt.
apathy_or_empathy
Uh... 8, 12, and 13 years old? Acting this out like this, afraid to go outside? ADHD isn't an excuse, I've been tired for years of hearing about this being the problem with kids that act out. Parent them ffs. They're literally being raised by tablets. I digress.
Moving in together is not going to work, nor is this relationship. The kids have no respect for you and I doubt they ever will, they treat you like a sibling or play thing. "Thanks but no thanks" and a clean break. I sincerely doubt you are willing to parent them. You're not the asshole for not being willing to compromise.
However, YTA for dating for 3 years and just now bothering to get to know the kids. In spite of how frustrating this story is to read for you, I feel bad for dad here. I don't think you were on board to begin with.