German woman argues with Pakistani MIL over baby name, reveals deeper issues.
On the surface, this story sounds like many you would see shared online.
A mom is arguing with her husband's family over the name for their child. We have all seen those headlines before. But, as you will see if you read on, this story is much more complicated. We hear from a very upset mother who feels that she has nowhere to turn in order to have any agency in her life, or that of her daughter. Reddit shows surprising emotional and legal support that may just allow this mother to give her daughter the better life that she so desperately wants for her.
AITA bcs i don't want to change my daughter's name, even if my husband and in-laws want me to change it?
Husband and In-laws want to change my daughter's name
For context, I (31f) married into a family in South Asia. My partner is still there bcs he is not able to do his language course. I am living in Europe So when i was there on vocation, I got pregnant and found out when I came back home.
Two months into my pregnancy we looked for baby names and decided on Lila (original name is different). We were happy with the name.
Then my daughter was born and I gave her the name Lila just like we decided. Out of emotions I asked my husband if I can give her a second name, I wanted to call her like my grandma. He was fine with it so I put the name on the birth certificate.
Just two months after that his family and him made problems bcs of the names. They wanted me to change it to his mum wishes. I was totally against it It felt like changing the identity of the baby girl.
And they haven't stopped with it. My daughter is now 1 year and 1 month old. Now they telling my father to make me change the name and so on.
I am really angry about this situation. My husband and I chose those names. We were both fine with it and now he plays the victim and is saying I chose all the name by myself (I have whats app screenshot proofs from that time when we discussed the baby names and the second name, which i send him every time he starts with this subject.
I feel betrayed and lost. I get absolutely no support from him. Neither emotionally nor financially.
And maybe that's important to know too. I had paid his stuff. Like clothes, phone bills, language schools. Everything. And I had stopped with that after I gave birth bcs i wasn't working anymore and had less money for me and my daughter to live on.
I do all by myself. And I am right now just very angry with the whole situation. I don't know what to do.
He stopped his language school. Saying he can't do it. I should live with him in his country. But I declined. First of all my daughter is not getting a visa for that country bcs of diplomatic problems it will take a long time. Second. I cant live there.
I made that clear from the beginning I was a fulltime working woman. I have my own home, bills, food. I was independent. There in his country I was not even allowed to leave the house. Bcs ppl will talk (yea wtf??) and yea all that came by surprise. First they told me nothing like this. And than all the issues with this family and him started.
Well. I don't know what to do in future. For me its a big deal that they want to change a girl's name whom they, till today, never of any kind supported. So AITA for being angry? Sorry for my bad English.
Here are the top comments from the initial post:
You know you’ve been had, unfortunately. If you’re in a country where it is safe to do so, get a divorce.
There’s a lady at work who is in this predicament; westernised, stuck in an arranged marriage with some medieval goat farmer (for context, discussed this with friend from same country and he joked about them all being backwards goat shaggers…) but now having to keep it civil for the sake of the children.
Her parents agree they should not have arranged the marriage and are apologetic about it. Husband does medieval patriarchy stuff all day whilst she runs herself ragged. Bail, bail now!
NTA and do not go to his country ever. Seek asylum and citizenship in the country your daughter was born in and never return to your husbands village.
This is all about control on his families part, not sure why you married this man, maybe young infatuation but you are not benefiting from this marriage and likely never were if you were living abroad sending him money. Stop being his cash cow and look into hire to divorce him without traveling to his country.
NTA You feel how most people would. I’m not sure how custody works when in different countries, but I’d get him to relinquish his parental rights. Doesn’t sound like he’ll be any sort of worthwhile father.
NTA and this marriage is weird and not healthy for you. Not sure how you even ended up marrying this guy without knowing the info you mentioned and the problems that arouse, but what's done is done. You should give it a lot of thinking now tho, for the sake of your child, if nothing else.
NTA. Please find a good attorney that specializes in family law and start proceedings to end this sham of a marriage.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update and responses to reader's questions:
Thank you all for your answers I can't answer right know everyone bcs I can only read and write when my daughter sleeps. But for all of you, yes I will definitely not go there with her. I will have no rights as a mother there bcs of the system there.
And I want to get divorced. It's just very problematic with my family as well. My mum is on my side, but she too like my father and brother have the opinion to let him come here and give him a chance. When he is here he can provide and all that. But I know this guy.
He does not want to work in Pakistan. When he is here he will not work as well. I will not fall for this trap. And my first priority is my girl. Even if my world burns. If her world can be beautiful I will do everything to achieve that.
I went back to work fulltime Monday to Friday 8 hr a day. I wanted to stay at home in her first three years, but my husband brought big financial problems in my life, in the last year. So I have no choice but to work. My girl is in that time with my mum.
Its hard but I am trying to get out of it. Thank you all <3
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's update:
NTA. I’m glad to read that he doesn’t have legal standing to insist that you share custody. I don’t often advocate for cutting contact with a minor’s parent, but in this case….I would never take that child to visit her father’s family in their home country.
You are NTA. You do not have a marriage that is worth anything at all. And you husband is clearly taking advantage of you to pay for his life of laziness. It feels like he thinks of your as little more than a breeding mare.
Stay where you are, get a divorce, and make sure you get full custody. And never allow anyone who isn't fully on your side have sole visitation with your daughter because people still kidnap kids and take them to the South Asian country you're talking about, and you won't be able to get her back.
NTA 'I get absolutely no support from him. Neither emotionally nor financially.'
What do you get out of this marriage?
The OP says:
Right know? Stress. A lot of stress.