Woman considers leaving boyfriend because she doesn't want kids. CONCLUDED
"I'm think I'm going to have to end things with the man I love because I don't want kids."
This might be long cause I'm overwhelmed and can ramble so I added a TLDR at the bottom. I'm sorry!
My (30f) boyfriend (34m) and I have been together for the last four years. Our first date was basically our whole life stories and just talking about everything and anything whether it be deep or not. I would say most of our relationship has been this way.
Even when we fight (which has maybe happened a couple of times), we will take a break & regroup once emotions settle. When we disagree, we talk it through. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful person he's ever seen.
He constantly tells me how lucky he is to have me and how I deserve the world. We both love to cook/clean for the other person so we always have different games set up and the loser gets to relax while the winner gets to pamper the loser. I know it sounds weird but it works for us.
I love this man so much and I know he loves me just as much. Now here's the problem:
A couple months into us dating kids got brought up. Communication is super important to me (and him) so I told him I didn't want kids. He thought I was joking because all my friends/siblings have kids at this point and I'm the fun tia (auntie).
I even put together parties for the kids and fun 'themed' days when I'm having one on one time with them. I do love kids. But I don't want any of my own. I explained that and he said 'well maybe you haven't met the right guy'.
I had to sit him down and explain that while I do believe people can change, he cannot be with me expecting my opinion about kids to change. He needs to take my not wanting kids at face value instead of hoping that I will change my mind because what if I don't change my mind?
I asked him to think it through for a week or two and then we can circle back to the topic because at this point we are thinking about being official. But if kids were that important to him, then we needed to stop now before it gets much harder down the line. He told me later that kids are not that important to him and that he can see a future without kids in it.
Fast forward to a month ago: His parents and some extended family were visiting for my boyfriend's brother's wedding (we are in the US and his family is from eastern Europe). I've always gotten along with his parents & his brother + brother's now wife. His parents will visit a couple times a year and have always been so kind/thoughtful.
At the wedding reception, I was being introduced to all of the family. Eventually someone asked when my boyfriend and I were getting married and my boyfriend just winked at the question because he knew I already knew that he was planning to propose soon.
He just asked way too many ring related questions since he knows I hate diamonds but wasn't sure the direction he should go in since I barely wear rings (he could propose to me with a ring pop for all I care).
Later at one point, one of his cousins asked how I would feel about my future kid learning their native language to which I responded 'oh I don't want kids but I'm actually learning the language myself'.
There were a few members of the family around including my boyfriend's parents (no boyfriend though) and they all gave me the 'what the hell are you saying' look.
I didn't understand why I was getting that look so I just awkwardly laughed and asked everyone not to tell my boyfriend I was learning the language because I wanted to surprise him (I thought it would be cute to respond to his proposal in his native language).
I went looking for my boyfriend and found his brother & the bride instead. We were talking and eventually I asked 'hey is it weird in your culture to not have kids? cause I got weird looks from your parents when I said I don't want kids'.
His brother proceeds to tell me that it's not weird but that my boyfriend has always wanted to have kids so it probably shocked their parents to hear that I didn't want kids.
Apparently my boyfriend always wanted at least three kids and he had always been super excited about the idea of having kids.
I think his brother noticed the look on my face and backtracked a bit saying something like 'wait f*#k it's not a big deal! he changed his mind because he loves you more than the idea of having kids'.
On the ride back home with my boyfriend, I asked my boyfriend if he really is okay about not having kids.
He sighed cause apparently he had heard from his parents about what I said. He apologized about it and said that he did stop talking about kids since we have been together but that his parents always assumed we would have kids.
He also sometimes wonders if I will change my mind but he doesn't think I ever will. He said that when we talked about this while we were dating, he could imagine a future without kids because he couldn't imagine a future without me.
It's been a month since the wedding. But I've started to notice little things with my boyfriend. A lot of our friends have kids and I am always letting my friends know that they can bring their kids over instead of having to find a babysitter.
I've noticed that my boyfriend looks slightly envious when he sees our friends interact with their kids. Or sometimes I see him look slightly dejected when he sees a family with a bunch of kids.
Maybe this is in my head now that I know that he's always wanted to be a dad until he met me. Maybe it's not in my head. I truly want him to be happy but I know I don't want to be a mom.
I wish I felt different and I wish I could compromise this for him but I would never want to bring kids into this world knowing I don't want them. That's not fair to the kid. And if him being happy means he finds someone else to have kids with, I will have to live with that.
He knows something is wrong cause he said I feel far away lately. I think he knows why. I know I have to sit down with him and fully talk this out. Part of me feels like this conversation will lead to us breaking up because he really truly does want kids. I'm also worried that if he stays with me, he might resent me for not wanting kids like him. I just feel terrible.
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
The kid/no kid issue is very real and can cause incompatibility. I think you really need to press your bf on this issue. Maybe take a 2-3 week break from him so he can experience life without you to judge for himself should he stay with you or move on and find someone who wants children.
In the end though you can only listen to his words, watch his actions and probe his emotions after he sees other children or families. If he reassures you and you still have doubts then a break up may be the best option.
I’m sorry girl but this is a huge issue, better to work on it now before marriage. You hear all these horror stories on here about situations similar to yours.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
'UPDATE I'm think I'm going to have to end things with the man I love because I don't want kids'
Two days after my original post, my boyfriend and I sat down to talk finally. As I suspected, he knew exactly what had been bugging me but he didn't want to push me to have the conversation before I was ready. He started it off with why he is okay with not having kids.
He grew up with his parents and brother. He saw the joy that his parents got from raising the two of them but he also saw how unhappy they were in their marriage. Yes, they are still together but they are more like co-parents/roommates than an actual couple.
My boyfriend was very cynical when it came to relationships growing up because he felt like he never saw enough happy couples. His parents weren't happy. His friends were in and out of relationships. He was in and out of relationships.
In his head, kids would bring him & his partner happiness and purpose in a relationship. Yes, he admitted to the absolute insanity that was his thinking but when we started dating, he realized this and started going to therapy to help him work these feelings out (he's been in therapy ever since).
He said when he met me, I changed everything for him and that he knew on our second date that he was going to marry me.
So when months later I mentioned I didn't want kids, he was disappointed but the main reason was because the idea of having little versions of me running around was something he had thought about for the months we were dating.
And yes he meant it when he said that he could see a future without kids but couldn't see a future without me. It's why he had been super supportive about me looking into surgeries to prevent kids being a possibility for me. It's why he never even brings up the possibility of either one of us changing our minds.
I asked if he was jealous of our friends with kids and he laughed. He said that when he sees a family or sees our friends with their kids, he can see that the relationship between a parent and child is special but the freedom that we have in our relationship along with the extra funds we have for ourselves far outweigh his past feelings about being a dad.
He said that I was his family and if I didn't want to increase the size of our family that he has no problems with that because he's already so happy. He finally found the love of his life (which he never thought would happen) so he doesn't want to mess with something that is perfect.
He just never brought it up with his family and was slightly concerned that they would try to pressure us (kids are a big thing in his family). His brother already knew and obviously had no problems with it.
He said he had a talk with his parents and the relatives he was closest to about it. His parents are not exactly happy but my boyfriend admitted to me that he lied to them and said he was the one who didn't want kids first. He just wasn't sure what their reaction would be and didn't want me to deal with any negative backlash.
He said if I ever feel pressured about anything ever (whether it be by him or his family or even my family) to let him know because we are partners & we work through these things together. He isn't afraid of going NC with anyone who makes a big deal about something that isn't any of their business.
I told him that my main concern was that he was putting my happiness over his because he has a tendency to do that with people he loves. And I didn't want him to regret anything later down the line.
He said he understood my concern but that he swore up and down that these four years have been the happiest of his life. And the fact that I was so stressed about whether he was happy or not is further proof that we are meant for each other because I also have a tendency to put his happiness over my own lol
He then proposed to me with the original ring he bought the first year we were together. I didn't even know he had bought a ring before. He said he would've done it that first year but I had made a comment that I wanted to wait at least three years before getting engaged & now he is making significantly more money so he has been looking to go all out on a new ring.
But I really love the ring he originally bought. It isn't big or flashy but it is a very unique design that is subtle & beautiful. The color is also the same color as my boyfriend's eyes and I'm always gushing about them (he has the kindest eyes). So I told him there's no point in looking for another ring because this one was already perfect.
Thanks to everyone who reached out and all the advice! This community really helped!
Here were the top rated comments after this heartwarming update:
Congrats! I love hearing about fellow couples who say they are perfectly happy without kids. Or that they don't need kids to be fulfilled in life, they are great just being together.
Sounds like he thought good relationships didn't exist so kids gave relationships purpose?
You'd be surprised how many people are taught this.
I honestly loved that he lied to his parents and told them that he was the one who didn't want kids. He really does love OP so much and is so considerate of how his family might treat her.
Although I'm still unsure about the whole staying together despite having different stances on having kids, but they seem to have a healthy relationship all around so I'm sure they can handle it.
Besides, if having kids really was that important and a deal breaker for him, he wouldn't have stayed with OP all these years and he wouldn't have been so supportive and helpful with OP's surgeries that ensure she won't ever have kids.
It reminds me of the scene in GOT where Cersei tells Tyrion that if he wants to make Sansa happy he should give her a child, because motherhood is the only true love and joy a woman can know.