Husband leaves VERY pregnant wife home for Holidays because of 'FOMO.' + FINAL UPDATE
"AITA for asking my fiance to skip this year's Christmas family vacation because our baby is due?"
Prize-Ad3917
Context: I have gone to Florida with his family for the past 5 years for at least part of Christmas. Every other year, I returned before him to spend Christmas day with my family. This year is the first time in a long time that all the other siblings are able to overlap dates.
My fiancé has major FOMO, which is why this is a sensitive subject. His parents have always been weird about keeping their family close. They've never said it outright but little things suggest they don't consider me completely part of their family yet since we aren't married.
Also, my parents are away overseas dealing with a grandparent emergency. My mom has been kept in the loop though and is trying to come back as soon as she can.**
My fiance and I (31M and 31F) are expecting our first baby due December 30th. His family has a vacation home in Florida and they have gone every year during the holidays for about a month until after New Year.
He agreed not to go this year because of the baby but his family is insisting that he go and come back on the 28th which is "ample time before the baby is due". So he bought a ticket for December 15th-28th. His reasoning is that his parents really want him there and his siblings will also be going.
This is bothering me alot more than I thought because I know pregnancies are unpredictable, especially in the last trimester and if anything happens leading up to the due date, I need him there.
My parents are away until December 26th and my friends have their families so I will be completely alone. The other reason...and I guess it's more selfish, is that I will be spending Christmas by myself.
It's not the main reason why I'm bothered but it's a small part of it. He's been spending Christmas every year in Florida since he was 15 and there will be many more trips after the baby is born. I don't know why he has to go THIS YEAR.
Any time I bring it up, it results in a very uncomfortable fight about my expectations to put me first rather than his parents. I don't even bring it up anymore. His parents have always been kind to me but they also don't see any problem so I think I'm going crazy? AITA here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
GoodRepresentative33
NTA- Your husband is a fool if he goes. This is your first baby, you do not know if the baby will be here early, on time or late. His family is you and the baby. If his family can't see that, that another issue. None of them have a crystal ball and know when that baby is coming. Personally, I would also be pointing out how quickly things can go wrong for Mum or bubs during labour.
I am actually disgusted with him for thinking this is okay to leave his vulnerable wife during that time... You just don't know whats going to happen. And whats with not wanting to spend Christmas with you? Leaving you completely alone. Not cool. I am furious for you. Where are you? I will come and take care of you.
The_Bad_Agent
"Your husband is a fool."
Thankfully, it's her fiance. No paperwork involved yet. I'd be looking for a lawyer to handle child support and a parenting arrangement. I'm sure she can make a few calls while he's away.
haleorshine
Hate to be all Reddit about this, but this would be a reason for me to dump him immediately. He's going to leave his heavily pregnant partner alone at Christmas because his family really wants him to be at their yearly holiday?
He's such an Ah, and a terrible partner and father to boot, for even suggesting this, let alone fighting her on this. He's going to be hard to co-parent with, but maybe he won't even fight for custody?
The_Bad_Agent
Oh he's going to fight for at least partial custody. How else can he cart the kid around to his family events, and play the sorry single father? This is so unforgivable. Even the fighting leading up to the trip is enough IMO.
loverlyone
Are you kidding me? They are all leaving a pregnant woman alone…on the holidays…at the absolute end of her pregnancy??? This is not appropriate behavior for your FIANCÉ. Your PARTNER. The father of this child. FFS. NTA. ETA: OMG I’m so ticked off for you. This is not loving, caring behavior.
AngelofSol80
NTA. He is showing you where his priorities lie, and sadly they are not with you. Believe him. Right now he should be putting you and his unborn child well before his parents. While his parents have always been kind look at what they are doing now with insisting he come. You are not his priority, nor are they looking out for your health and well being as you carry their grandchild.
Make your plans now on how you will get to the hospital/birthing center if the baby comes early. That should be your first priority. After that's done please evaluate your relationship and seriously decide if this is what you want your future to be, and the future of your child.
If you decide it isn't then start to figure out your exit, even if he does make it back before the baby comes. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this right now. The stress of it all has got to be immense and not something you should be subjected to right now.
LillyLovegood82
Come on now. I know you don't actually think you're the crazy one. Please tell your friends and mother this and see what they have to say. Also your MIL is asking her son to be away from his very pregnant wife. Ask your MIL about her births and tell her you're scared of being alone see what she says. Then you will have a better understanding of how "kind" they are.
If she brushes your fears aside. You don't want your baby around that family, if she tells you she didn't ask her son to go, then you know your man is lying. Also a whole family can take a month off work?
The OP returned to extend a 'thank you' to all the readers for their input:
Prize-Ad3917
Wow, I wasn't expecting this many responses and I can't personally thank all of you but THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH ❤️ All your support and responses mean alot and I definitely plan on showing this thread to him.
Five days later, the OP returned with a full update.
"UPDATE"
Prize-Ad3917
I'm sorry for not updating sooner. Everything has been overwhelming and I'm trying to deal with a lot. The good news is that my mom arrived home yesterday! When I had explained everything to her, her sister (who is a retired nurse) insisted she come too.
I'm so thankful to have them here. It's hard to get my feelings across as there's a bit of a cultural barrier. My mom is from Hong Kong and without getting into details, the grandparent situation was very much an emergency. But she has siblings and my dad who is staying there at the moment.
As for my fiance...I scheduled a virtual appointment with him and my OBGYN to update her and told her this whole situation. Like all of you, she was appalled and strongly recommended he not travel during this time.
Her words were, "In my professional opinion, I'm going to VERY STRONGLY recommend you reconsider your plans. In my personal opinion, I'm going to insist it." It was probably on me for not alerting her sooner re. his travel plans.
After that, he is still going, but adjusting his dates so he will be back on the 22nd. There will be one day overlap with his siblings. His mom isn't too happy he won't be there for Christmas.
She suggested he fly back later on the 25th instead so he can spend a part of Christmas day with them but he said no. It's still not ideal for me, my mom and aunt have insisted on speaking with his parents so we've scheduled a call with them later today.
I reached out to my best friend too about this after I read some of your responses and PMs. She was livid and informed her husband that she doesn't care if it's on Christmas day, if I go into labor, she will drop everything and be there. She's also been kept up to date about who will be with me while he is away and will be visiting.
I know there were alot of questions regarding the family but I can't address all of them, it's too much to write out. Yes, I know they don't treat me completely as family. There have always been small passive aggressive things that bothered me (not invited to Mother's/Father's Day events, left out of family Secret Santa, not being allowed to sleep in the same room when we visit etc.).
-Yes, I know that his mother must be aware that he shouldn't be leaving me at 37 weeks. She's not dumb and I update her after all my appointments so I know she knows this too. I don't know why she's saying it's ok, but I have an idea why. My mom has made it clear she will be addressing all of this in the call.
-Some of you wondered how they can afford to go to Florida for a month. His parents are retired and snowbird there. His siblings and SIL all have 9 to 5 jobs that are partly remote so they are lucky enough to take their work to Florida and work there. My fiance is a gig worker so he dictates his own schedule. Obviously, their schedules don't always align.
-I haven't shown him this thread yet. At the moment, it's just one more thing I don't want to deal with with him. I may in the future but I have suggested we go to therapy before we set a wedding date...he agreed. I am also seeking counseling for myself.
Lastly, I am incredibly grateful to all of you who took time to respond, offer to visit me and bring me food...I have never posted on Reddit before but I appreciate the support you've all shown me.
Once again, thank you all so much. I'll try to update again after the baby comes. It might be a while but please know that I am safe and have lot of love surrounding me. Please have a safe and happy holidays!! Also, I am expecting a girl 🥰
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
BellaSantiago1975
I want to know how the call between the parents went.
ravynwave
I hope her mom reamed out his mom. I know the parents shouldn’t be brought into this but screw it. I’d want my mom to go mama bear all up on them if I were her.
riflow
I sincerely hope she cursed her six ways to Sunday, leaving a pregnant woman alone until two, now revised to seven days, before the due date? Utterly mad. I'm so glad all the other people in OP's life are showing up for her but it is deeply problematic that the most important person, her would be husband and father of her child, is still know towing to his parents and siblings for everything...
I do not like the sound of how oop & baby will likely be forced to do Christmas again as his family expect. Feels like historical 'justnomil' posts where they reveal they haven't even once had Christmas with their own side of the family.
murphy2345678
He shouldn’t get a phone call if she goes into labor while he is gone. He is one of the most selfish people I have read about on here. The OP needs to wake up and realize he isn’t going to be there for her and the baby. I personally would have told my husband don’t come back.
peter095837
Nope, that there is just major red flags. I am tickled off on the fact that the husband and family wanted to leave OP alone for the holidays when she is at the end of her pregnancy. Like are you fucking serious? This family is trash and the husband too. I have a feeling things are going to get worse.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with another update.
"AITA for asking my fiance to skip this year's Christmas family vacation because our baby is due?"
Prize-Ad3917
Happy Holidays everyone! I know some of you were asking for an update so here it goes. Baby girl was born on Dec. 20th at 6lbs 10oz at 9:42PM! My mom, aunt and best friend were there during labor, my mom was present during birth. She's healthy and we're all exhausted but I'm so grateful for my support system.
My (ex) fiance did not make it for the birth. During the video call with his mother, my mom told her that he needs to come back immediately otherwise she will be taking me home and they will not be welcome to visit the baby.
It was a very heated call but the outcome was that my mom and aunt packed up my things and we went back to my parents' house where I currently am still residing. So...you can guess what happened there.
It hurt a lot, I had a very upsetting phone call with him about his priorities now that we were literally down to the wire and the conversation ended without much resolution. He hung up on me. I messaged him after our daughter was born to let him know I had given birth and that she was healthy. He tried to video call a lot after that but I didn't pick up.
He returned home on the 22nd as planned; of course I wasn't at the condo. I think they all thought my mom was bluffing. He tried to come by my parents' house many times and at one point sat outside in his car for hours when my mom and aunt wouldn't let him in. Finally on Christmas day, we let him see his daughter and he and I discussed our future.
My mom and aunt have been very vocal about breaking off the engagement and I agreed that after the call with his parents, I didn't want to be involved with a family who was so selfish.
He told me his mother was very insistent he go on this trip to show his family that he wanted to mend his relationships with them and that his SIL had been saying some awful things about me to him and his parents. I had told her some things in confidence a couple years ago about some issues I was having with him and she turned it around on me.
This was the nail in the coffin. I can't possibly marry into a family this toxic. So as it stands now, I have broken off the engagement and will live at my parents' house. We have scheduled couples therapy and our first session is tomorrow.
He has apologized profusely and asked to stay with me to help with his daughter. My mom doesn't want him sleeping here so he's been coming by in the morning to help with her and then leaving in the evening. His parents have told him that they would like to see our daughter as soon as they come back and he has video chatted with them once to show our daughter to them.
That's basically where we stand now. Undoubtedly the situation will get more complicated once his parents come back but I can't think about that right now. My baby girl is healthy and has a nursery set up in my childhood bedroom. She's surrounded by people who would give her the world. My aunt who I haven't seen since I was 10 is here. Those are the positive things I'm focusing on.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
knittedjedi
"he has apologized profusely"
"the situation will get more complicated once his parents come back"
"we have scheduled couples therapy and our first session is tomorrow"
I'm concerned.
The OP responded here:
LucyAriaRose
I'm really hoping that couple's therapy is more along the lines of "how do we co-parent"
MyPussyWasTheMoon
It's unbelievable that he missed the birth of his own child, continues to make excuses, and hasn't returned right away. Since they didn't think she was valuable enough to justify her own father being present for the birth, that family had better not have access to her.
8Bells
OP just needs to re read her original posts whenever she gets a warm fuzzy that her ex fiance admits and cares for his child on a part time basis.
Literally everyone with a sense of normalcy advised him not to leave her while she was that heavily pregnant, and when she gave birth, he didn't even move his return up. He wasn't excited to meet his own progeny. He was too wrapped up in his own desiccated umbilical cord.
The ex fiancé's family expects OP/her family to cave. Or for their son to eventually get half custody and to insinuate themselves in this baby's life via that means. I mean normally thats what shared custody is about. Giving a child a chance at having two families care and raise them. But I cant help but feel in this case this baby would be better off.
If I were OP, I'd hold onto that evidence of the SIL drama and see if her family can move the next time these guys "winter" away from home. Try to establish residency in another state/country before they notice and file for custody.
tsukiii
Ooooooooooooo I am so mad at him and his family for her! I can feel my blood pressure rising… his behavior is unforgivable. I’m pregnant right now and everyone knows that the last month or so is a crapshoot, the baby can come anytime. I hope he doesn’t weasel his way back into OP’s heart, he doesn’t deserve her.