Daughter gets into elite school, father says 'go to community college.' AITA?
Applying to colleges can be a very stressful time.
You're technically an adult, but you still know nothing about the world. Having the support of your parents is huge for the transitional period out of the nest. One daughter was elated when she found out that she got into Cambridge University.
Her father had helped her brother financially with college, so she knew they had the means. So, she was shocked when her father told her he thought it was a waste of money.
'AITA for not wanting to pay for my daughter's education only under certain conditions?'
I 52(M) have two kids, a son (26M) and a daughter (19F).
When my son went to college, I thought college would open up opportunities and he was supposed to major in computer science but failed a bunch of classes and changed his major to something less lucrative. He went out of state and I now realize that this was a poor investment.
I didn't want to make the same mistakes with my daughter. She also wants to do computer science and last year she got into a foreign university in the UK which she says is like Stanford over there (Cambridge).
I didn't want the same thing to happen so I told her I can't help her pay for that and to go to a local state university or community college than transfer.
She ended up not going and deferred her admission to see if this year she can get a loan (which I'm not for, but it is her life) or if she can get a scholarship for a better American college.
She seems a little annoyed at me since effectively her brother got more money but that was before I knew better. I can afford the same for her but it would be tighter now and I don't want the same thing to happen especially if it would be for a foreign degree.
I suspect the same could happen to her since her brother was typically the brighter one while she just pushed herself the last years of school. AITA here?
Here is the verdict that Reddit rendered:
You made her give up Cambridge when you could've given her the money as you did with her brother ?! And you're even asking if YTA ? Ofc YTA !! And even saying your older kid was the brighter one and she doesn't deserve the same amount of money because it's sure she's gonna fail... omg what an ah !
YTA. Gee, my female kid wants to go to one of the top universities in the world, but she's the dumb one and since my male child couldn't hack it, clearly she won't either. Good luck maintaining that relationship...
NTA - why would you want to pay for your kid(s) to go be indoctrinated. The indoctrination will be even easier if you pay for it. They develop an 'entitled' attitude, and then the colleges re-enforce this attitude.
By you making her pay for herself, you're teaching her responsibility and making her own decisions, which will hopefully help her learn to think for herself and not let the school indoctrinate her into their ludicrous ideologies.
YTA. A 'foreign degree'? Let's talk about that because incredibly, you seem to not know what Cambridge is. Cambridge University, UK. WORLD RANKING? #2. Just after MIT.
You are punishing your daughter for what you view as you son's mistakes when you should be over the moon that she got into Cambridge. Give her at least as much as you gave your son. And while you're at it, maybe give her a cake saying 'Congratulations'.
Such a YTA So you’re punishing her because of his poor choices? Also, you’re essentially saying she’s the dumber one? I’m guessing she’s more than “a little annoyed” with you. Lastly, people who push themselves frequently fair better than those born “brighter”.
NTA! College is a financial drain and I think it’s definitely worth seeing how dedicated you are before you drop a ton of money. State colleges are less expensive, if she’s closer you may also not have to pay for her living expenses if she stays at home. And a lot of state schools aren’t bad at all.
I wouldn't say you're the a$$hole yet but I just wanna provide a bit of context here. I'm from the UK and Cambridge is an incredibly prestigious university that only takes the smartest of the smartest.
I've seen my very intelligent friends with top grades get rejected from there. If your daughter is smart and motivated enough to get into Cambridge then I don't see why she would throw that all away.
Maybe talk to her about whether she is sure that she is happy with the degree subject she has chosen. If she is sure that she wants to do whatever degree she chose, then YWBTA for denying her this very good opportunity. She doesn't deserve to get punished for what her brother did.
After all of these responses, the OP actually returned and showed that they were trying to listen to the advice readers gave:
Genuinely thanks for calling me out and making me do more research on Cambridge, I think I understand better now. I knew about it but maybe I underestimated it for being foreign. I'll definitely reconsider, she still has managed to defer her admission and I will see what I can do to help. The visa application needs proof of funds I think.