Man snaps at GF over messy house, 'depression doesn't give you an excuse to be a slob.'

Depression is an awful disease that can infiltrate every single aspect of your life.

From sapping you of the energy for basic hygiene to corroding your ability to maintain a job or relationships, depression is an invisible illness that can wreak havoc on your life.

Supporting a partner struggling with depression can be complicated, since it's harder to pinpoint progress than a more physically visible disease. Figuring out boundaries while dating someone in the trenches of depression is its own project, and there's no one-size-fits-all answer for how to do it.

Unfortunately, bottling up complicated feelings until they spill out in hurtful ways isn't often a recipe for success.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for telling his girlfriend depression isn't an excuse to be messy.

He wrote:

AITA for telling my girlfriend that her having depression isn't an excuse to be a slob?

Recently my GF moved in with me a couple of months ago into my home due to her being on bad terms with her parents. Living with her has been a little bit of a struggle because she's a very messy person. She leaves her clothes everywhere on the floor and on the bed.

Can't be bothered to fold or hang up her clothes in the closet. I swear she uses our bed as a closet. She sometimes brings food into the room and doesn't throw it away. even worse she sometimes puts the garbage under the bed so I don't complain about it.

I don't even want to get started on what the bathroom looks like, I had to start using the guest bathroom I understand that having depression can make it harder for someone to take care of themselves and their environment. But I feel like there is a limit to where you're just using it as an excuse to just do whatever and not care.

Especially when you're living in someone's else home. I keep telling her to clean up after herself and that I'm tired of cleaning up after a grown woman and she always responds with that she has depression and ADHD. I don't see how that's an excuse. You have depression, sure.

How does that make you leave garbage everywhere and be a slob? I don't get it. You're an adult. Act like it. She got angry and accused me of not giving a f**k about what she is going through and called me an unsympathetic moron.

Apparently, I'm not being supportive and understanding of her mental health because I have a problem with her treating my house like it's a garbage dump. Am I the a**hole here? I feel like I was overly harsh because I probably could've addressed this issue in a friendlier way, but after many attempts of trying to get her to be more clean and pick up after herself, I just had enough.

Unsurprisingly, this post inspired a lot of responses.

Acceptable-Damage274 wrote:

NAH. I also have ADHD and depression and I have the same struggle when it comes to cleaning. I used to live with an ex-partner and we had the same exact problem, only that he was incredibly patient, and not pushy at all.

But still, nothing ever changed, so after 2 years, he broke up with me because he couldn't take it anymore. And I get it. It was for the better. So I understand how hard it is for your girlfriend. I assure you she's not trying to make an excuse; it's legitimately almost impossible a lot of the time to get s**t done.

The only thing that's helping me with it is a service where a sort of therapist comes to my house once a week and helps me do everything I need to. Not sure where you're from, if that's an option and affordable, but I'm just dropping it here.

Anyway, since I used to have a partner who was in your shoes, I understand your struggle as well, and I don't think you're an a**hole. I think you're insensitive and harsh, but you're very frustrated, and I get that. Here's the thing: The messiness of your girlfriend is not going to change anytime soon. It is possible for her to learn to deal with it and become better at picking up after herself.

But most people with ADHD struggle with keeping a space clean, and when you have depression on top of that, there's honestly a lot of things a person usually has to deal with first, before they feel ready to tackle the cleanliness problem. So honestly, I don't think living together is working for either of you. It's making you very frustrated and resentful, and it's increasing her anxiety and depression.

TL;DR: Neither of you is an **shole. You're understandably very frustrated, and you need things to change in order to feel comfortable. She's struggling with things that are very difficult and take a long time to learn to deal with.

The situation is unhealthy for both of you. If you want to try to make it work, I recommend looking up ways to help with someone who has ADHD/depression. There's a lot of great resources on the internet.

Abject_Main4674 wrote:

NTA. You both DO NOT NEED TO LIVE TOGETHER. This is a recipe for disaster. She needs help that you can't give her, and you have EVERY RIGHT to want to live in a clean home. You all will end up resenting each other if this living arrangement continues. You are both justified in how you feel, unfortunately, your feelings are conflicting.

She needs to go back to her parents' home or go elsewhere if she can't respect your home. Also, you can't handle her symptoms at this time.

CobraPuts wrote:

NAH. Mental illness is complicated man. Depression is the cause of all of those things you’re talking about. It can even cause issues with what is called executive function - in practice it’s more helpful to think of depression as a disability than a mental illness, because depressed people straight up CAN’T function, going well beyond not wanting to. What she’s doing is not rooted in disrespect for you.

But it doesn’t absolve an individual from all personal accountability either. And they can bring the negative traits they had before they were depressed and they become amplified. How does one judge that? You have a choice to accept her as she is and support her. You also have a choice not to. Neither would make you an a**hole.

AGirlHasNoName2018 wrote:

First- NAH.

Second - Executive dysfunction and task exhaustion.

For me, I know I need to wash the dishes. I know that I will regret not washing the dishes if I don’t do them now but I physically cannot engage in the task of washing the dishes. My brain is overwhelmed and refuses the new task.

I feel like a defective lazy slob and fight with my living mates later when they’re upset about the dishes. I work with my psych to find meds that allow me to do the dishes and my therapist for coping mechanisms and ways to hack my neurodivergent brain.

ADHD and depression is an explanation, not an excuse. It isn’t her fault she struggles with these but it is her responsibility to manage them so they do not negatively impact those around her. It requires empathy, understanding and compromise from all involved. She needs to get herself to a psychiatrist and therapist and start working on a treatment plan to help manage her disorders.

ayesh00 wrote:

NAH. Her mental illness makes what seems like simple tasks to you insurmountable tasks to her. But she needs to understand that her mental illness does not mean she gets to disrespect her partner by making his living space unwelcoming and inhospitable for you!

Over time this will lead to massive resentment between the two of you, her because she will feel overwhelmed and guilty all the time, and you because living in a dirty home sounds like a deal breaker for you. Think long and hard about the road forward, the clutter only gets worse with time and it may be that the 2 of you are just not compatible to be living together right now.

For ADHD people with depression, less is more. Try to get rid of unneeded and unused stuff. Having a dedicated space for every single thing also helps. If she cannot take out uneaten food from the bedroom then no more eating in the bedroom. Meals and snacks can only be eaten in the kitchen or dining room.

Again, putting methods into place to help her cope changes the dynamic of the relationship to one of caretaker, which can ruin the relationship.

This is one of those rare situations where there's not a clear AH, just a complicated situation two people have to navigate together if they want any chance of making it as a couple.